Tuesday, November 15, 2011

A Guide for Alan Rickman's movie partners.

By Sati. Tuesday, November 15, 2011 ,
It's been a long day for yours truly, so I decided to write something humorous with the special dedication to all Alan Rickman's fan girls out there. I'm sure you are all as baffled as I am, when you watch numerous movies with him and the lucky female he chose to grace with gift of his admiration is an utter and hopeless moron. Here is what these women should do as opposed to what they did do:

If Alan Rickman shows up at your doorstep with flowers you DO NOT ignore him only to get syphilis later on in life and die from your own, demented husband's hand
You go out to him and you fall on your knees, for you are unworthy.
 If Alan Rickman wants to consummate the marriage you DO NOT kick and scream, hoping for Kevin Costner (sic!) to come rescue you and after he succeeds you do not fall into Kevin Costner's arms and kiss him as poor audience is forced to see you two morons kiss in the background while mourning over awesome Sherrif's of Nottingam, whose body lies in the foreground.
You go ahead and you consummate.
If Alan Rickman says "you should take your knickers off, or shall I?" you DO NOT look at him with stupid look on your face. And when he asks you "Don't you love me even one bit?" you DO NOT answer "I love another"
Your knickers fly off on their own and you confess eternal love for him.
If Alan Rickman falls in love with you when you are playing the piano, helps you out when like complete idiot you try to break sugar cane or whatever the hell it is with your bare hands, brings you flowers and all in all is absolutely perfect, you DO NOT fall in love with some guy who helps you out after you fell on your ass on the hill in the rain. Not for the last time in the entire movie, I shall add.
You take him right there on that field.

If you are married to Alan Rickman you DO NOT:
1. cheat on him with your own brother.
2. cheat on him with a woman.
3. yell at him and banish him from "your island"
You thank God every day. And you definetly don't cheat on him with your own brother (seriously, that is what actually happened to his character)
If for some inexplicable reason Alan Rickman loves you in Harry Potter universe (even though you are boring as shit and you prefer some twat like James Potter) and he in fact loves you enough to sacrifice his life to honor your memory and save your dumb ass son you DO NOT marry the twat.
You become Slytherin groupie.
If Alan Rickman tortures you for information you DO NOT act bitchy and insist on not knowing anything.
You tell him everything he wants and you sincerely thank him for spending such lovely time with you.


35 comments:

  1. Great!! hahahaha so funny!!!

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  2. this is the best thing ever

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  3. Too funny! This was cute....

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  4. Ahahahah, very funny!

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  5. I am in legit tears. This is brilliant!

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  6. You are amazing! I would pay money to read you!

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  7. This is the sweetest thing, I've ever reed from Alan's fans :)))))

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  8. We are unworthy. We are unworthy!

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  9. This is amazing. And very true indeed. :)

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  10. That's a BLOODY GOOD one...

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  11. Yup...uh-huh...agree...why is Alan so unloved in his movies?! :(
    You've said what we all think. Truly, Madly, Deeply and Snow Cake could be added to the list too.

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  12. ...that gets me thinking...

    Sense & Sensibility: If Alan Rickman falls in love with your stupid sister who ignores his incredible sweetness completely, just leave her to the idiot that she is after and let the idiot you yourself are after marry his childhood sweetheart. As Alan turns towards you in sadness, fling your arms around him and offer all the comfort he could ever dream of :-)

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  13. LOL! However, I don't know about the last one...I wouldn't mind being tortured by Alan. Which movie did his wife cheat with another woman?

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  14. I love this. But I had to pause half way through so I could laugh. :)

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  15. Except that in An Awfully Big Adventure "knickers girl," aka Stella, ends up being his daughter...eeeewwww! Otherwise, I agree. PS...Poor Severus :(

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  16. "Which movie did his wife cheat with another woman?"

    Blow Dry. Really cute movie!

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  17. Yes, to all of those bits of advice. Why does he always seem to end up involved with such idiots when there are millions of us out here who really appreciate him?

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  18. Oh yeah, and if he goes "I'm going home to mix up a bucket of paint" (as Ed in the January Man)--go with him!

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  19. Haha! Love this! I imagine that there isn't a 'Rickmaniac' out there who doesn't agree with all that you say! But I can definitely confirm that there's no fields of sugarbeet/cane in Devon (or indeed anywhere in the UK) to my knowledge!! I'm guessing that's wheat growing in the field used in S&S :-) And surely Marianne has to be the worst of the lot? - Col. B is sweetness itself (& rich!) :-)

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  20. Hahahhaha, exactly my thoughts. If he ever told me "woman, elope with me", I would gladly comply

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  21. lolz :D

    what's the last movie? torture?!

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    Replies
    1. Closet land, you can watch in on youtube.

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  22. This is so true! All of them! Especially for An Awfully Big Adventure, that annoyed me SO much.

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  23. Oh how I agree.

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  24. A little suggestion on the last one: the more you wait with the answeres the more time can spend with HIM so... no rush!

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  25. I am such a Slytherin groupie!
    Best. Post. Ever!!!! :D

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  26. I completely agree with everything except the last part! I wouldn't mind being tortured by Allan a little longer! XD XD

    - ink

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    Replies
    1. Well that seems to be the general consensus :)

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  27. Need to add the Truly Madly Deeply don't

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  28. They're ALL such gorgeous lessons...! If Alan would still be physically with us, he'd read this and just couldn't stop laughing. And who knows what he'd answer to each "do and don't"... I for one would love to know... wouldn't you?

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