I haven't slept in 30h. I also had about a million alcohol units. This will be a fun post.
Queen Rosamund. Holy mother of God.
Is her waist even human? Damn.
Red carpet thoughts? There was some bullshit nonsense 'ask her more' thing spoken by Reese Witherspoon in her annoying voice. People are saying this year actresses were asked more relevant questions than usual. I don't know what red carpet you watched, but that's just a lie.
Neil Patrick Harris' opening was really fun. Yeah it was singing and dancing, but it was really spectacular and I loved how genuinely joyful and respectful it felt.
The production values of the show this year were absolutely amazing. Also stuff like this.
I really liked NPH throughout the show. Harris's lines "in Zero Dark Thirty she killed Osama bin Laden. In Million Ways to die in the west I pooped in a hat" really made me laugh
Unfortunately there were almost no Gone Girl references which was a wasted opportunity, seeing how Ros's dress was the color of blood. All they needed to do is get her a boxcutter
There was a great moment when Harris talked about how much money American Sniper earned and he said that American Sniper is Oprah - cue to horrified and confused Oprah - cue to Harris 'Because you are rich'. Oprah wasn't digging Harris's style at all and she looked so lost.
Robert Duvall - best poker face
Harris' made a hilarious joke:
Tumblr teenage morons who are always outraged to the point they can't get out words in their mothers' basement and type instead were obviously offended that Harris brought 'a serious issue' to the level of a joke. To that I say go fuck yourselves you humorless, pretentious assholes.
Neil also said this and Cumberbatch's reaction was adorable
Mark was seated so close to Idris. Oh, God
Supporting actor goes predictably. Painfully so as Simmons uses the same joke about his kids he used the whole season long. That's kinda pathetic. During the nominations clips there was an insanely loud cheering for Ruffs. This is the kind of cheering you won't ever get, Eddie Redmayne.
Adam Levine performs Lost Stars to my delight
His performance was announced by 50 shades of my parents are famous and hooked me up with a gig. Seriously, stop pimping out Dakota Johnson. She is famous because of nepotism and showing her tits in a movie based on trash. She's a nobody in spite of coming out of somebody once relevant.
The woman who won for costumes walked to the stage so slowly anything slower than that and she would be crawling.
Fav thing - Oprah being continuously stunned at NPH's lines. She seemed humorless and or sedated.
Ida won foreign film to the joy of my nation. Paweł Pawlikowski is a fucking hero - he was speaking and the orchestra started playing, he just kept talking, the orchestra gave up and he talked some more. This was awesome for a number of reasons but mainly because it is so annoying how someone as famous as McConaughey went on for like 5 mins last year but the unknown people get 30 seconds. Fuck you, an Oscar is an Oscar and everyone should have the same amount of time.
Thanks to Agata Trzebuchowska we know that the Ida actresses were actually in the bathroom when the movie won.This stuff is national news, guys.
NPH and Steve Carell did a hilarious bit together (-What's your name? - STEVE!!!). Tatum in the background only made it funnier.
The performance of the song from Lego Movie was so fucking surreal I legit looked at my drink suspiciously. Also - Lego Oscars.
The stick insect Gwyneth Paltrow appeared looking worse than usual.
Margot Robbie's hotter than fucking sun. I have no more comments, just stating this fact.
and gives the Oscar to Patrica Arquette who gives the phoniest speech of the season and to my grand disappointment Streep and J.Lo take the bait. Not cool. I don' think I'm ever gonna be able to enjoy True Romance again. The levels of pathetic and boring Arquette reached this season are just awful.
also mother of God MEMORIZE. How the fuck do you not remember several lines for Oscars?
IDRIS ELBA shows up with Jessica Chastain to award cinematography to Emmanuel Lubezki. I was basically just barely alive when I saw Elba. So fucking fine.
I loved Carell and Keira being seated so close to each other. "Seeking a Friend...".y'all
Terrence Howard shows up and he is clearly fucked up. He is talking as if he was either climaxing or dying. He keeps talking about how moved he was and in the most awesome plot twist of the night it turns out he is not talking about Selma, but about The Imitation Game
I cannot believe Goldblum was attending and they didn't get him to present, this is Jeff fucking Goldblum are you kidding?!
Common and John Legend sang Glory. Then the crowd gives a standing ovation. While Chris Pine was simply crying David Oleyewo looked like he was about to meet God.
Idina Menzel and John Travolta present best original song together. This is so glorious. Such kudos to Travolta for having a sense of humour about his hilarious fuck up from last year. I'm still laughing.
Desplat won for best music, unfortunately for the wrong movie
Birdman wins original screenplay
The Imitation Game screenplay won in adapted and this happened:
...I'm not crying.
Moore wins and gives a lovely speech. Not happy about it at all, though. Queen Rosamund is the true winner.
Redmayne won. It's so gross. I cannot even talk about it.
Sean Penn makes a terrible joke about green card. Why are people surprised? He beat up and rape Madonna and you are outraged he makes an inappropriate joke? Really? Be glad he didn't take off his pants and shit on that stage
Birdman won but it's not enough for me not to feel sick about Redmayne and Moore both winning for your usual 'play a sick person, collect awards' shtick when Keaton and Pike gave the performances the quality of which is that of all time great. I'm shocked it managed to win. This movie is way too smart for this bunch
Let's wrap it up with my favs of the night:
And Oprah appearing to be running away from Lady Gaga