y’know maybe the iron islands would be in a better position if their coronation ceremonies didn’t involve giving their kings brain damage due to lack of oxygen
Yara Greyjoy: I’m naturally talented, very qualified. I’ve learned many things in my working years, standing side by side with my people. I know all of you and worked hard to understand your needs. I intend to plan carefully my moves and reclaim our space in the narrative and …
Euron Greyjoy: LOL, I have a dick.
My favorite translation from the book to the show is Euron Greyjoy’s speech honestly In the books he gives this long,eloquent speech and in the show he’s just “I’M GONNA SHOW DAENERYS DEEZ NUTS”
It’s the Moot, y’all! The Ironborn might not be particularly interesting, but they are stylish as hell. No other race of men could pull of that rotting kelp look with such swagger. And maybe it’s just me, but that priest is the single most irritating person on the show. Cleanliness is literally next to Godliness, homes! It’s the next parking spot over. I doubt the Drowned God is going to dock your pay if you rub a little Biolage into that ropey stankfest you call your hair. Jesus. You’re my least favorite character, pretentious future Jared Leto.
Anyway, there’s a lot of drama in the Moot. Yara claims the Salt Throne. Some repurposed mall Santa barks that it’s not happening while Balon’s male heir lives. Theon steps up and backs his sister. She looks at him with appreciation and love. I mean, last week she yelled at him for when she went to save him and he was too emotionally destroyed to leave his kennel and so she left him behind, but okay. I love a good brother sister story that doesn’t create Joffreys.
So fine. Mall Santa backs off, but a new problem arises. Fat Peter Sarsgaard, their uncle, also claims the Salt Throne. He is the Donald Trump of the Iron Isles. He calls Theon “Little Theon” (Little Marco) right off the bat, and then mocks him and Yara every chance he gets. Low blow after low blow. Theon’s use of a polysyllabic word - which indicates intelligence -should be something that people demand in their leader. Fat Peter Sarsgaard derides him for it, mockery which is met with blissful approval by the Ironborn, who are comprised almost exclusively of Non-College Whites. And to top it all off, he’s going to build a wall. Of ships. And he’s going to make Mexico pay for it. That’s what puts asses in seats, people! They grunt their simian approval and Yara is out. Next, they drown Fat Peter Sarsgaard. While the dumb-ass simpletons are doing that, Yara and Theon steal 84 ships. AHAHAHAHAHA. I counted them. How does not one idiot at the drowning ceremony know that their shit is being taken? Fat Peter Sarsgaard wakes up from the drowning and with his first official act, he decides to murder his niece and nephew. Too bad they’re already in international waters, idiot.
He stands there, with the biggest theft in Ironborn history as his backdrop (Shouldn’t it be waterborn? Or maybe filthborn? Where’s the iron? These aren’t miners. These are pirates. It’s all so confusing.) And Fat Peter Sarsgaard is like “check out my kick ass crown! A seven year old made it for craft day and it’s been the pirate symbol of power ever since! I don’t have time to go sit on what I’m assuming is a giant brick of salt that we call a throne, so listen up! All fourteen of you, go back to your houses and cut down every tree on these tiny islands! All twenty three of them that are left. (Because guess what we haven’t seen in any shot of the Iron Isles since season one? A -singular- tree.) Use all that wood to build me A THOUSAND SHIPS! MAKE THEM STARSHIPS! CUT DOWN TREES AND USE THEM TO INVENT A WARP ENGINE! Now that I’m king, every one of you will work like an animal. Your wives will sew. You will shit woodchips you’ll be planing so much fucking wood. But give me a thousand galaxy class starships and I’ll give you the world!” And that’s when Mall Santa realizes he’s made a grave mistake.