Friday, August 26, 2016

(250) Boopocalypse + links

By Sati. Friday, August 26, 2016
  •  250th issue. For almost 5 years you guys have been killing your IQs just by viewing this shit.
  • Let's get to the bad stuff first - Gustav has 85% narrowed spot in his trachea which means he is gonna have a surgery in 2 weeks. There are no words to express how badly I am freaking out. The worst part is that the thing they are gonna insert in there may not take in which case he will have to go through invasive surgery. But happy thoughts only now.
  • I'll get to that BLATANT PORN you're seeing above in a moment (yes, those are my gifs. Yes, when I tried uploading them, tumblr gave me an upload error. I restarted PC and the Internet died. Yes, that is a true story and yes, I blame Jared for all of this. I also blame him for the fact this bullet point took me a minute to write because I kept scrolling up).
  • I have made my phone unusable with its new desktop. It distracts me for good 15 minutes whenever I just check the time.
  • Very disturbing thing happened - and I mean more so than my recent tweets and posts - once the news of Jared joining Blade Runner 2 hit I did not think of the most obvious thing there is. What the hell is wrong with me?!
  • Well there are several answers to that question, but let's just move on.
  • I am so sick and tired of websites going like "ooh Jared Leto is gonna ruin Blade Runner now!". Shut your whore mouth. He is a great actor. These people misjudge him on 7 minute performance that consists or the studio shortening every single one of his scenes to secure teenage audience. And the gifts? Please tell me how does it personally affect anyone that Jared Leto sent some condoms (which were just unpacked, not used!) to people? Go watch Dallas Buyers Club, Requiem for a Dream, Mr. Nobody or Lord of War, haters.
  • I mean the guy is just perfect for a replicant (no way he is playing any other character!). If someone told me he is a replicant in  real life I wouldn't question it, let alone on the movie screen.  
  • Let us take a moment and realize what Harrison Ford and Jared Leto being in one movie together means other than me 1. having to drink less so I am actually alive in 14 months from now to see it 2. having to write a will before I see this film 3. having someone accompany me to cinema to call the ambulance. It also means Jared and Harrison will promote the move together. I fear for him. I mean look at this
  • As written before the ad showed up: The massive threat to ovaries is coming - Jared is the new face of Gucci. There are already pics out there. And you just know some sexy video ad is about to follow. 
  • As written after the ad showed up: NOPE MY GOD.
  • As written after the video was taken down because apparently the Russians leaked it early: FUCK, now next few bullet points won't make sense! 
  • Well to give you a picture other than sniffing the wrist, also this happened:
  • Am I dead now? 
  • Is that model who is there with him dead now? 
  • Are we all dead?
  • That fragrance has a very accurate name (Guilty). 
  • That whole ad is such a train wreck tho. I wish you got to see it. These girls there look like they escaped from some Mormon village (what is this dancing?), there appears to be fake lashes thrown into a glass (why?), there is no story (please tell me what leads to getting your wrists sniffed by boo so I can engage in that starting point), my God. The only explanation is that the second Jared took his shirt off everyone lost their minds and didn't know what to do there.
  • At that point I am convinced he doesn't actually exist and we are all hallucinating him. This is just too much, it's not possible.
  • He got even hotter. There is a little bit of grey in his beard in recent snapchats.. Jared uploaded that picture on instagram with black and white filter. It seemed to me he is doing that to mask those gorgeous grey hair. So naturally I had to (HAD TO) drop a comment of how lovely it looks on his instagram, among all those girls writing stuff like "wanna see my boobs?" all over his dash. When even I deem something inappropriate, then it means it's seriously inappropriate.
  • Jared. Boo boo. You have fangirls who are in their 20s or even older and who can appreciate a man your age. Yep, some of us are old enough to drive (though I don't because so many would die if I did) and have serious jobs (seriously fuck my job, look what happened again this week! that one intern I mentioned on twitter? Month in and he quit this bullshit) etc. and still worship you. There are many women who don't consider eyeliner sexy but this silver fox stuff? Oh, hell yes!
  • I mean I find that beard thing and him having to wear reading glasses to read the lyrics (apparently this happened during Camp Mars cue in *awww!*) that were lying on stage super  adorable ergo hot.
  • Yes, I did drunk livetweet one of his movies again:
  • The typos above are sponsored by Jack Daniels.
  • The film was awful. I swear it made Alexander look like Schindler's List. But Jared kept being shirtless and grabbing his dick, so all in all evening well spent.
  • Tonight? 1997's Switchback. The reasons for seeing it are important. Look out for my pervy tweets in about 23h from now.
  • I also livetweeted American Psycho on Sunday. I know that what you are most curious about is what I livetweeted during the murder of his character. Here we go:
  • Also:
  • Grammatical error sponsored by 7 AM. 
  • I am nowadays corrupting people of my board with shit like this
  • Does Will Smith look like he cannot wait to get away from him to anyone else too? 
  • Holy Batfleck, just hit play. This made me cry multiple times (eg. each time I watch it) this week:
  • Between Cooper's bitchface and Farrell looking like he is having violent flashbacks to Alexander this is just amazing. 
  • Also Jared clearly chose ONE joke/anecdote and rolled with it that whole season. I am 50% sure he only waxed again for the Joker to be able to use that again.
  • THAT IS NOT OK!:
  • He is so skinny. You just wanna capture him and feed him.
  • On the other hand even as skinny as he is, I wouldn't break him. 
  • He would break me. 
  • (you know what I mean)
  • I'll stop now *stands in the shame corner going like this:* 
  • So in other news....
  • Amber Heard donated all that dough to charity. Meanwhile I bet Johnny doesn't even know what day it is.
  • Where is he? Are him and his shit mohawk still on Ibiza? Has he cut himself in half with a chainsaw and was so wasted he didn't notice? What is going on there? 
  • Seriously, how good is this guy's PR team? He is one of the biggest stars in the world. He is a mess, cuts off his finger and accuses a fellow actor of banging his wife in blood graffiti. And we don't know what the follow up is? What he is up to? We don't even know where he is? It's absolutely amazing. He could have killed dozen hookers in the last two weeks alone and we wouldn't know.
  • Magic - almost as soon as I wrote those paragraphs we get news. Read it, it's golden. I have no doubt Depp is an alcoholic and is drunk right now. But his alcohol tolerance must be EPIC because what he pulled here is some cunning shit. Amber literally won't see any of that money.
  • Batfleck is set to make a remake of Witness for Prosecution. Batfleck, what the fuck, my boy? You are supposed to be saving that shit show that is DCEU not making unnecessary remakes! And the plot twist here, in a color film, would never work as well as in the original! Stop the madness, Ben! Stop the madness! 
  • Here's Batfleck looking happy along with his his kid and the cast of that Harry Potter play. Margot Robbie is also there, almost right next to Batfleck. 
  • Hmmmmm... 
  • Meanwhile, when Bohemian Rhapsody played on the radio this week I discovered I now have aversion to it due to its association with ShitShow SuicideSquad. The more I think of this, the more it makes me so furious and I need Ben to do exactly this --->
  • Bitch better have my money - Xenu.
  • Justin Bieber is getting his dick insured for $5 million.  Shall I tweet Jared to inform him he should get his insured for 100 billion dollars? I'm just roughly assessing the monetary value here.
  • "Save Children Suffering"
  • Hiddles still thinks he may be Bond. He has as much chance of landing a Bond gig and riding in those fancy cars as I have of riding Jaredconda and surviving to tell the tale. 
  • And him and Tay are fake-fighting nowadays.
  • Also look at this fucking tiny cup. What the hell is that? If he wants to be Bond Hiddleston should surround himself with/hold massive objects like (I swear this is not yet another pic/gif or Jared holding his dick) pictured here
  • Well, that above in brackets? Technically that was not a lie! 
  • It's actually Loki eye rolling that Thor has fangirls but I'd like to think it's Hiddles being ignored in favor of Hemsworth:
  • I love that Hiddles is now the part of quadruple of cringe along with Lohan, Lochte and Gibson (the TV bitch that got fired) of DListed hilarity this week. 
  • Seriously this Lochte guy. Oh my God. How I laughed over all of this and memes this week. Also I legit saw people call it in Dlisted comments section.
  • Meanwhile, looks like Doctor Strange aka Beryl Cumsatchel will show up in the third Thor movie. Every single piece of news about this just makes me sad that Jared turned down that role and is now stuck on DC shit express through Hail Snydra tunnel to reeking dumpster fire and rotten tomatoes at the stop station.
  • STOP greenlighting shit until you figure out how to make decent movies! 
  • So That Justice League Dark thing has Constantine and apparently Colin Farrell is rumored to be the studio's choice. Why can't they just have Keanu back? I thought he was cool in the role and I really liked his Constantine movie. But Farrell would be good too, though I've recently been informed of kabbalah inside Jared's fandom that believes that Jared is not only gay but the love of his life is Colin Farrell (I am legit serious about this, that fraction is out there making fanblogs for that pairing and everything. Do NOT google that shit, trust me). So if they are both in DCEU shit will get messed up all over tumblr so fast. I made a serious mistake of googling this thing. I found this. The picture of him checking his phone behind ScarJo as he is making out with her is priceless.
  • Seriously, though, this is me when reading that post:
  • Baby, you're such a whore. But I don't blame you.
  • Look, I don't care about Mary Jane so the news of Zendeywhatever playing her don't bother me. But while reading of Ragnarok I found out that one of my favorite characters, a blonde called Valkyrie is gonna be in the movie. And then I found out this chick is playing her.  I know that representation is important but these are characters people imagined to look the certain way for a long time. It's a bit much.
  • Not sure what is worse - that they made another The Ring sequel or that Vincent D'Onofrio was called a "B actor".
  • Goddess Samantha is 60.
  • Keira Knightley has problems like a lot of girls - her hair started falling out from anorexia dying them and she has been using wigs. Thing is - Keira doesn't really have this many different hair colors in movies. I feel like maybe she is on the breakthrough of realizing, hey, maybe I should eat something?
  • Justin Timberlake is being a little bitch again continuously.
  • Looks like this month's most entertaining feud is over. Sad face. I'm just impressed Vin didn't put some hashtag about Paul Walker in there, unlike Tyrese who did just that previously. I see tons of funny shit each week but that insta post from Tyrese on the left is straight up legendary.
  • "too many heart too hearts"....good Lord, my livetweets of Jared films written while I'm both in heat AND inebriated are straight up intelligent comparing to this. 
  •  “They are playing a huge prank, and it’s all for publicity. The Rock convinced Vin to amp up the drama between them so they could turn it into a WWE match to help promote the April 2017 release of Fast 8.” Well, that's one way to promote a movie...
  • That is just horrific. Also it shows that some people really should be send condoms.
  • My God, could Natalie Portman be more condescending and snobbish?
  • Last week I told Billy Bob and Idris to run. Now it's Vladimir Putin's turn. 
  • This is so not how you're supposed to look when you're on the back of a motorcycle driven by George freaking Clooney
  • You know previously I was just ignoring this Nate Parker scum but now I am furious. "Conspiracy"? How did this POS find someone to breed with him? What kind of scum rapes a woman, drives her to suicide and then instead of having some shame and self awareness still has the audacity to pursue a career in spotlight AND whines about how tough it is for him? 
  • I spent 40h a week working in justice system so I don't even have the heart to ask American readers who are more familiar with the case than I am what kind of fucking logic is it to have 'they had sex before' as an excuse in rape trial. 
  • More in the world is so gross department.  Can we do something, anything? Is there somewhere I can sign a petition to...I don't know...run some tests before people are allowed to use the Internet? Trolls are even on general imdb boards today calling this woman racial slurs etc. I cannot just stand there and do nothing as someone is getting harassed. This is gross. It's like bullies picking on one person in high school except the Internet is that high school now.
  • Before today Scott Eastwood was just bland. Now he is also gross. So yey for him, characteristic gained. I mean who the hell is so desperate and thirsty for media to talk about them that he talks of his ex girlfriend dying a horrific death (I guarantee you without warning her family first) but not in the context of how awful it was for her family, but how awful it was for them? The whole thing is just pathetic. In the summer of celebrity peen this dude could have just whip his out to get people talking but no, he had to use 'my ex girlfriend died X years ago, gee it was sad" story? That just leads to me ask the following:
  • How small is your dick, Scott?
  • And as usual with really dumb people it only got worse. D has a piece on this GQ spread too. And that one is straight up laugh out loud funny.
  • As are as usual the comments:
  •  Damn. There's discipline and then there's "You put the clothes on the wrong cycle, bitch!" *PUNCH!*Clint's such a fucking asshole. 
  •  I don't know about choosing the wrong wash cycle, but Clint would probably punch someone for mixing colors with whites. 
  •  Clint punched Scott and destroyed the two functioning brain cells he had left in his head.
  • I can't with this nightmare. How awful for her! Good God I'd kill to breathe the same air they breathe:
  • (why do you think out of thousands of pics I chose that particular picture of boo from this event? And by making you look again and call for men with straitjackets to deal with me, I leave you for this week.)
  • Ruth shares highlights from Chicago Comic Con
  • m.brown reviews Sausage Party. Breathe a breath of relief - he didn't take his kids to this
  • Brittani, MettelRay and Courtney participate in Against the Crowd blogathon. Courtney's entry messed me up - it's about Practical Magic which I love and has my favorite movie kiss of all time (I'd give my possessions and my soul to do it with you know who atm) but also...where are good, sexy men like Aidan Quinn's character and romantic scenes like that in movies we are getting these days? It's just depressing!
  • Wish Nikhat happy 24 birthday!
  • epileptic.moondancer reviews War Dogs
  • and another one:
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    28 comments:

    1. I think I have Jared overload, lol. You keep cracking me up with these posts. Love it!

      The Nate Parker thing...ugh. Honestly, I don't mind him pursuing whatever career he wants because he has that right after not being convicted. However, whining about how hard it was for him is just ridiculously terrible. He really needs to be more contrite and sincerely apologetic. It wouldn't change anything that's already happened, but at least it would seem he has really learned and grown. Not so sure he has.

      Johnny Depp, lol.

      The two gifs of Hemsworth and Hiddleston are hilarious.

      Great stuff, as always!

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      1. "Johnny Depp, lol." - is the most accurate comment I've seen in a long time :lol:

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    2. I really dislike Ryan Lochte. The guy is a moron and I'm upset that he gets a slap on the wrist while Hope Solo is suspended for 6 months for her stupid comment about the Swedish soccer team.

      I've seen Highway, awful film. A complete and utter waste of time.

      As for the Crock wanting to fight Vin Diesel at WrestleMania. Fuck that. I nearly had a stroke months earlier watching Shaq be at the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royale at this year's WrestleMania. I wanna go Dae Su on the Crock and then give him a taste of his own medicine as he likes to talk about sticking things up people's ass.

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      1. I just watch this video of the crowd chanting Zika at her during the game, what a mess!

        Oh yeah. But Jared was in it so it wasn't a waste of my time :)

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      2. What about The Thin Red Line? You know he's in it.

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      3. yeah but he dies immediately as I recall :lol:

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    3. all I need in the morning are your posts, I absolutely love it.

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      1. Thank you! Yes, you won't see this kind of madness elsewhere :)

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    4. WOAH! These Friday posts are definitely my go to entertainment on the weekends and I would want to think I've read over half of them at least! Way to go! And when I saw your work picture I thought that my god, you must be super-woman or something because that looks crazy!

      Every drama this year has pretty much gone over my head. During my vacation I haven't evenvisited gossip sites but I got some from here. PS: Hiddles threw his possible career away with that Swift thing.. good for us.

      Thanks for the link! And I agree, Pracitcal Magic is good!!

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      1. It is crazy, I have had so much work lately I am just exhausted. My vacation is still 2 months away so I may legit just collapse one day

        Hiddles also tarnished the only good villain Marvel has :lol:

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    5. Thanks for the link… and for the Sunshine award too, I had so much fun answering your questions :D

      Your fangirling is legendary, Margaret!! Sorry Leto doesn’t do anything for me but seeing your RF is always entertaining!

      Blech, what is up w/ Hiddles rolling his eyes like that. Seriously that is just rude. I mean of course the girls were crazy over Thor, I think Tay’s ruined his personality completely!

      Man, I love Keanu in Constantine too, I don’t see Farrell in that role at all and it’ll probably be sh*t anyway. “… Jared is not only gay but the love of his life is Colin Farrell” Wait what?? That’s the most ludicrous thing I’ve read all day.

      And Scott Eastwood is such an overprivileged celebrity kid who hasn’t got much to recommend him. I mean his look is just average at best and he’s not even tall. He walked right past me before we did the roundtable interview for The Longest Ride (which I refused to even watch), and he’s only a few inches taller than me (and I’m barely 5’3”!)

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      1. I think that was just a scene of Loki eyeroling at Thor :) Hiddles is not mad enough to eye roll like that in public....I guess, at least.

        Seriously, that Leto/Farrell thing is out there :lol: But also good lord is his romantic history absolutely horrifying

        haha :D he is also so bland and uninteresting, they just keep trying to make him happen and I don't think he is gonna happen

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      2. Leto's romantic history is horrifying? Hmmm I don't know if I want to know, ahah. My crush Sam Riley's been happily married for a decade so he seems boring by comparison :) No just kidding, I still think he's a cool guy, nice guys can be cool too :D

        But that Scott Eastwood is extremely bland indeed.

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      3. It's just very very long :)

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      4. You're still talking about Leto's romantic history right… I mean considering some of the Leto's pics you've been posting, you could be talking about something else entirely ;-)

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      5. It could refer to both but in this case I was talking of his romantic conquests :lol:

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    6. I leave you for 5 days and you go full perv lol.

      I just read Johnny Depp donated the money to a charity on behalf of Amber and now she's mad she can't get a tax write off on it lololol.

      Thanks for the link!

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      1. Yeah it's just getting worse and worse :lol:

        These two morons keep on fighting

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    7. Hi Sati! I'm actually really hoping for Jared to do the Interview with the Vampire reboot. I really can't picture anyone else as Lestat.

      Ugh the Nate Parker stuff just gets worse and worse. I wrote a long post about it, but I was so furious that I decided against posting it. I don't even want to give Parker that much attention. Parker and his rape apologist defenders infuriate me. His statement was terrible--all about him.

      He had sex with an unconscious young girl and invited his friends to join in for a gang bang. One of the witnesses declined. His co-writer didn't. That's called rape. How can anyone defend this man?!

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      1. Oh my God yes, it would be so glorious!

        I just can't, I can't believe he has the audacity to spin it as if it was unfair for him and there are people backing him up. Some things are just terrible and you don't come back from them, neither you should and what he did and drove this women to do is simply one of those things

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    8. Poor Hiddles. I like him as an actor and don't have anything against him, but man it sounds like he has made some epic fuck-ups recently

      thanks again for the link love Margaret :D

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      1. He really did, also all of this shows how thirsty for fame he is. It's so embarassing

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      2. Damn. It'll destroy the guy's career. Hope he bounces back somehow, I like him

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      3. He needs to tell us this whole relationship was a performance art or something :P

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    9. "The typos above are sponsored by Jack Daniels." Omg yes.

      Sending love and positive vibrations your way for Gustav! Everything will be okay...don't fret!

      And that Nate Parker debacle. What a joke. Even if he was "innocent"...his recent interviews not only make him sound guilty, but make him sound like a total asshole. I'm finding it very, very difficult to separate art from artist.

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      1. Thank you! :*

        Same here usually I'm good at this but there is just so much around it and everyone just keeps talking and the more this dude says the more guilty and repugnant he looks

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    10. That Gucci ad sounds awesome...ly terrible. But I support fleeing 'Mormon Villages'....hahaha...whatever those are.

      So you like grey in the beard, huh? I also support that, too.

      STAPH. TOUCHING, URSEF sounds like the name of the raddest personal injury firm around. I really hope I get to Mr. Ursef.

      If any film makes 'Alexander look like Schindler's List' then that film needs to be jettisoned directly into the sun immediately. Holy shit.

      Bieber's dick? Really? How is worth five million dollars? Do you add a nickel to every time he touches it and makes a pouty face? 'Cause I think he's low-balling it's value a bit.

      I have so much hope for the next Thor movie...I don't think you even understand. The director is one of my favorite people alive.

      Best RF ever?

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      1. You'll gonna see the awfulness of it this Friday. It's just....indescribable :lol:

        I do :)

        Well Jared was in that at least so it's better than most but my God was that thing awful

        I didn't even read that Bieber article because seeing a tweet from a gossip site about his dick insurance is too much already

        I love Taika! Are you following him on twitter? he is hysterical!

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