Friday, February 19, 2016

(223) Moanin' and crawlin' + links

By sati (harlequinade) Friday, February 19, 2016
  • The Witch's VOD release was pulled, so I ain't gonna be seeing it for a while. It doesn't even have a cinematic release set here and under current political regime I won't be surprised if it never gets one. I mean I am just shocked they actually released Spotlight.
  • So A24 is fucking me and the movie over again. First they completely botched Dark Places release. And now they put The Witch in wide release. You may be thinking 'but why is it a bad thing? So many people will get to see the film!". Let's face it - the general public are popcorn devouring morons. Just go ahead and check the imdb board for the movie where the people are already reporting others laughing during this. This is an art house horror flick which is sophisticated and quite difficult. What could possibly go wrong, yeah? At least moneywise the film is doing great.
  • And obviously it is getting downright glowing reviews so I am both thrilled and I suffer as I read them. I have read every single review for this movie (and again it is astonishing what passes for reviews on Rotten Tomatoes at times) which has not happened since Black Swan. I am sure I am gonna love it. This ain't moanin' and crawlin' in some fucking forest, no, this is witches in a horror movie which is creepy and set in Middle Ages. The only thing that would make it more of my jam would be if it featured Harrison Ford somewhere.
  • And again just because I can put it in a post to shamelessly stare at it, here is the picture of Harrison from What Lies Beneath:
  • Woof.
  • I saw Regarding Henry which was really depressing but he was so lovely in it. And he looked fantastic too. I don't even know what I see today. Air Force One again? The Frisco Kid for the first time? Sabrina again? What Lies Beneath again? God, I love Fridays.
  • The end is nigh. Tom Hopper is making Cats, the movie. Imagine Eddie Redmayne meowing like an idiot in a cat costume and dutch angles everywhere. No, really. Imagine it for a second. Whiskers and tail and everything. And you just know that fucker is gonna get Academy Award nominated for it. 
  • The only hope is that he goes full on Simple Jack on us and even the Academy won't be able to spin it as a good performance
  • Or that 5 black actors give more acclaimed performances, the Academy nominates 4 of them and Redmayne and OscarsSoWhite people stone him while he is still meowing.
  • Though seriously, the possibilities. Maybe he is gonna walk the streets and live with actual stray cats in preparation for the role. You know, diving into trash cans or something. I can just picture it.
  • Jamie Alexander is pissed off about not being Wonder Woman. I am convinced there must have been Disney shooters pointing a gun to her when she actually said that Marvel characters have more depth than DC.
  • Give me any Batman villain over any Marvel character any time. 
  • We got another Suicide Squad poster this week!
  • Ah yeah, Deadpool. Very fun movie. And funniest bit was actually in the added scenes during end credits. I laughed the most during that and it was the first time that it was actually worth staying for it (I so detest them asking me to spend 10 additional minutes just to watch some lame-ass bonus scenes). I do find Reynolds slightly annoying, not even sure why, so my favorite bits were the ones when he had the mask on. Some of the jokes were too gross (the baby hand one) but some were really funny. Overall, it's a very entertaining movie.
  • SMH at Emily Ratajkowski who is basically famous for showing off her body bragging about how nice it is in her 'essay' 'about 'sexuality' which is just trash and was published on ultimate trash - Lena Dunham's website. This whole essay reads like 'oh gee I'm so pretty and my breasts are big and I was so scared I'll be abused". I'm sure she is the new heroine on tumblr. I don't even have to check. They love this kind of shit over there.
  • It is even funnier that she attached a nude pic to that thing. 
  • This chick is one of the reasons young girls hate their bodies and she is taking a nude pic, writes some bullshit about how everyone told her how special she looks and being traumatized because the teacher made comment on a strap from her bra sticking out. Again, celebrities - they just don't live in the real world, don't they?
  • While we are talking about empty things......
  • I saw The Revenant and it kinda sucked.
  • I had a headache for an entire day after seeing it. In fact it is 5 days after I saw it and I'm still tired at the sheer memory of it. I'm convinced Inarittu and DiCaprio purposefully trolled people with this movie. "People will say it is awesome no matter what shit we put in there, dude". And apparently they were right as this may actually win BP.
  • Also I was there at two cinemas during Valentine's Day and I have never seen such crowds before. I have never been normal but really who the hell wants to see DiCaprio drooling all over the place and crawling for 3h on a freaking Valentine's Day?!
  • At least I have a new joke because of finally suffering through this movie:
  • I am sure some of you are actually excited to see just how little this movie gets in my end of the year list which is gonna be published next Wednesday. I don't think I give it a single win other than best special effects in main categories. Hell, I barely nominate Leo.
  •  There is a game where you are Leo and you are running to get an Oscar. There are hysterical bonus rounds too - for the life of me, I just cannot find that black nominee.
  • Kiss cam at the BAFTAs was source of such joy:
  • Leo may have brought me either close to coma or full on laughing like crazy with his The Revenant performance, but damn, the man is a genuine class act.
  • Apparently at one point the camera showed Fassbender and his fake girlfriend Vikander and they didn't even kiss. I imagine Harvey Weinstein yelled at them extensively after that..
  • I mean Jesus, it was so awkward it was cut from the broadcast. 
  • You gotta love Bryan Cranston. Always in for jokes during ceremonies. He is such a good sport!
  • If things don't work out with Leo Kate should just be with Fassy:
  • I still haven't seen the ceremony, or SAG and Critics Choice. I need to see it before Oscars because once the season is over it's all old news and new madness begins.
  • OK this is gonna be amazing!:
  • So Julianne Moore is gonna be a villain in Kingsman sequel. Not a fan of the idea as Julianne as a villain usually screams bad movie.
  • Have you guys seen that Game of Thrones teaser with no actual footage from new season? At least Catelyn was featured #StoneheartHype2016
  • And here is Carice Van Houten making Seth Meyers show funny:
  • I finally caught up with the 2 new episodes of American Crime Story and it's still so good. Not sure about all those scenes with young Kardashians but other than that it is pretty the much the only show I find worth watching nowadays.
  • Brittani, FeelingFuzzier, m.brown, Kevin and Ruth write about Deadpool
  • Andrew shares some news, those awful Cat/Hopper news among them
  • MettelRay reviews The Lobster
  • and finally, Dan reviews The Witch


    1. Those "modern adventures of Ben and Han" things crack me up so much.

      "he goes full on Simple Jack on us " - LOL

      I'm looking forward to seeing The Witch. If I could properly bootleg it for you, I would. lol

      Jamie Alexander is salty, damn. I agree with her in that I tend to prefer Marvel characters to DC, but why say Sif is Wonder Woman? Wonder Woman kind of sucks and Sif is a decent supporting player. That doesn't make sense.

      Thanks for the link!

      1. I just hope The Witch has monstrous weekend box office and our dumb distributors bring it here. I freaking hate having to wait for movies that are released in other countries

    2. I think David Schwimmer is just getting better and better on American Crime Story. I am sure the scene where he is at the table warning the kids about the dangers of fame was very meta...if Robert Kardashian was alive now...
      I saw Deadpool and enjoyed it, I am with you though, I find Ryan Reynolds very annoying. And his best scenes were with the mask on.
      Bryan Cranston is such a class act.

      1. Yeah that scene made me feel bad for him, considering how the kids turned out

    3. That whole thing between Adam Driver and Harrison Ford kills me.

      Kate during awards season is great. Leo kissing Maggie Smith. I don't think Fassy is interested in Vikander anymore. I think he wants a shot at Winslet just as long as it's cool with Leo.

      I love that Leo game.

      I'm fucking sick of Eddie Redmayne. Someone posted a rumor about him playing.... David Bowie in a bio-pic. If that was true, I would've lost my shit in complete and utter RAGE! I would kill that motherfucker if he played Bowie. He doesn't even have the humor, the voice, or the charisma to play Bowie.

      And I'm even thinking about writing a musical to just music on Bowie and he is the last person I would even put to sing a song, let alone butcher it. I think I would rather listen to Barbra Streisand's awful cover of "Life on Mars?" than hear him sing Bowie. Yeah, that's how extreme my rage has become.

      1. Oh God no. Not Bowie!

        That would be terrible, he should stick to making crap with Tom Hopper

      2. I know. I'm trying not to fucking explode. I'm already a fucking mess which explains why I haven't written a lot of film reviews lately because of my Bowie project. If that insipid wanker plays him, I would find some way to England and bring him the kind of pain that I'm feeling right now.

      3. I really hope you do, he needs to be taught a lesson :)

    4. Your Harrison Ford posts is making me want to watch Harrison Ford movies - which is a good thing! I credit my viewing of 'Witness' because of your Witness post. The Han and Kylo adventures are quite hilarious. I'm still not sold on Deadpool despite everyone loving it; I think I'm expecting disappointment because Reynolds did a superhero movie before and it was horrible. I think I'll wait for it on DVD.

      1. It's definitely a good thing! I hope you liked Witness!

        Deadpool is definitely much better than previous superhero flicks with Reynolds :)

    5. Ha ha. I read Emily's essay. I wish it was more in-depth. I think I kinda know what she's referring to...about how she was sexualized as a child and it was inappropriate. But then she goes and stars in the Blurred Lines video. I have no problem with nudity, but the blurred lines video was awful. Robin Thicke actually said he wanted to degrade women. That was his purpose. "What a pleasure it is to degrade a woman," he said. So if Emily wants to be taken seriously she has to be choosier.

      I don't know what Jamie Alexander is talking about. I'll take DC villains over Marvel any day of the week. There's no competition. Also...have some brand loyalty. You can't play Lady Sif and Wonder Woman. Admittedly she did allude to that.

      Yeah, I haven't seen Deadpool yet. I plan to. I really don't like Ryan Reynolds. He irritates me for some reason. I'm not sure why.

      1. Yeah she shook her ass in that video and showed her breasts in Gone Girl. That's her career.

        He has a mask on for a lot of the movie so it is not that bad :)

    6. Thanks for the link Margaret! Oooh I love Ford in Regarding Henry, that’s one of my fave dramatic roles of his. I LOVE Sabrina, so I’d watch that one again :D

      Seriously, Cats w/ Hopper & Redmayne again?? Blech!

      Ahah, I don’t care for Reynolds either, so I think this might be my fave role of his BECAUSE he’s in the mask most of the time.

      The BAFTA kiss cam is such a brilliant idea, they should incorporate that at every award show!

      Ahah, all those gifs of Kylo & his daddy is really one of JJ Abrams’ best gifts to humanity!!

      1. You're welcome! He was so lovely in Regarding Henry I just wanted to hug him, but then again I always do :)

    7. Thanks for the link Sati! The Witch looks freakin' awesome. I think it arrives here in a couple of weeks but it'll be probably be pretty limited.

      Agree on your points about The Revenant - gorgeous, but empty. I liked it DiCaprio though, he really gave it all he's got.

      1. You're welcome! DiCaprio did what he could but his character was so badly written :/

    8. I'm hopefully seeing The Witch and Deadpool very soon. Intrigued by both of them, especially The Witch.

      I missed the Cats news...yikes!

      Yay! More Ford and Driver gifs! :)

      1. Yeah and Andrew wrote about that Cats news and I freaked out