Friday, May 27, 2016

(237) The season of returns + links

By Sati. Friday, May 27, 2016
  •  Posting when midnight hits because I'm enjoying glorious 4-day long weekend. Man I needed it. Work has been worse than usual lately. If I haven't been around much lately or didn't respond to e-mails or tweets it's because I'm exhausted. I hope I'll catch up in the next 3 days.
  • Hopefully badass Jaime returns in the next episode and takes the place of this pussified Cersei lackey we had for the last 3 seasons.
  • Sansa just...join the silent sisters and stay there. It's amazing how in the course of one episode they undid all the good they made in episode 4.
  • Bran/Hodor revelation gave me and a lot of people an idea - what if Bran did to the Mad King the same thing he did to Hodor? What if he showed him the White Walkers and that's why the King was so obsessed with Wildfire and kept repeating "Burn them all"? After all there is a shot of season 6 trailer of what looks like Jaime killing the Mad King - maybe Bran being involved in King's madness is the reason why we will see that scene?
  • Next episode also sees the return of plotting, angry Cersei. I am hoping she starts hardcore scheming soon because that kind of Cersei is the best Cersei. There are some rumours floating around that indeed Cersei has certain things in mind and it sounds like we are getting a lot of shocking things in King's Landing in this season's finale.
  • The finale is gonna be the longest episode to date, 69-minutes long. It could all be shit but if they bring me Stoneheart it will be the best episode of the show yet.
  • We will also see another returning character in this week's episode.. All those people returning. And of course Blackfish will show up once we get to the Riverlands which is gonna be in episode 7. I ask for just one to come back. Just one.
  • Brienne is on the way to Riverlands. We are now officially on the course that in the books takes her straight to my favorite character. The LSH hype intensifies. But sadly it means we won't see more of this:
  • Stannis doesn't approve.
  • Peter and Lena showed up as guests for my favorite Conan's regular feature - Clueless Gamer
  • And this (1,2) happened.
  • Kingsmoot, while done skillfully, drew hysterical reaction all around the web:
  • 1.
    y’know maybe the iron islands would be in a better position if their coronation ceremonies didn’t involve giving their kings brain damage due to lack of oxygen
    Yara Greyjoy: I’m naturally talented, very qualified. I’ve learned many things in my working years, standing side by side with my people. I know all of you and worked hard to understand your needs. I intend to plan carefully my moves and reclaim our space in the narrative and …

    Euron Greyjoy: LOL, I have a dick.
    My favorite translation from the book to the show is Euron Greyjoy’s speech honestly In the books he gives this long,eloquent speech and in the show he’s just “I’M GONNA SHOW DAENERYS DEEZ NUTS”
    It’s the Moot, y’all! The Ironborn might not be particularly interesting, but they are stylish as hell. No other race of men could pull of that rotting kelp look with such swagger. And maybe it’s just me, but that priest is the single most irritating person on the show. Cleanliness is literally next to Godliness, homes! It’s the next parking spot over. I doubt the Drowned God is going to dock your pay if you rub a little Biolage into that ropey stankfest you call your hair. Jesus. You’re my least favorite character, pretentious future Jared Leto.

    Anyway, there’s a lot of drama in the Moot. Yara claims the Salt Throne. Some repurposed mall Santa barks that it’s not happening while Balon’s male heir lives. Theon steps up and backs his sister. She looks at him with appreciation and love. I mean, last week she yelled at him for when she went to save him and he was too emotionally destroyed to leave his kennel and so she left him behind, but okay. I love a good brother sister story that doesn’t create Joffreys.

    So fine. Mall Santa backs off, but a new problem arises. Fat Peter Sarsgaard, their uncle, also claims the Salt Throne. He is the Donald Trump of the Iron Isles. He calls Theon “Little Theon” (Little Marco) right off the bat, and then mocks him and Yara every chance he gets. Low blow after low blow. Theon’s use of a polysyllabic word - which indicates intelligence -should be something that people demand in their leader. Fat Peter Sarsgaard derides him for it, mockery which is met with blissful approval by the Ironborn, who are comprised almost exclusively of Non-College Whites. And to top it all off, he’s going to build a wall. Of ships. And he’s going to make Mexico pay for it. That’s what puts asses in seats, people! They grunt their simian approval and Yara is out. Next, they drown Fat Peter Sarsgaard. While the dumb-ass simpletons are doing that, Yara and Theon steal 84 ships. AHAHAHAHAHA. I counted them. How does not one idiot at the drowning ceremony know that their shit is being taken? Fat Peter Sarsgaard wakes up from the drowning and with his first official act, he decides to murder his niece and nephew. Too bad they’re already in international waters, idiot.

    He stands there, with the biggest theft in Ironborn history as his backdrop (Shouldn’t it be waterborn? Or maybe filthborn? Where’s the iron? These aren’t miners. These are pirates. It’s all so confusing.) And Fat Peter Sarsgaard is like “check out my kick ass crown! A seven year old made it for craft day and it’s been the pirate symbol of power ever since! I don’t have time to go sit on what I’m assuming is a giant brick of salt that we call a throne, so listen up! All fourteen of you, go back to your houses and cut down every tree on these tiny islands! All twenty three of them that are left. (Because guess what we haven’t seen in any shot of the Iron Isles since season one? A -singular- tree.) Use all that wood to build me A THOUSAND SHIPS! MAKE THEM STARSHIPS! CUT DOWN TREES AND USE THEM TO INVENT A WARP ENGINE! Now that I’m king, every one of you will work like an animal. Your wives will sew. You will shit woodchips you’ll be planing so much fucking wood. But give me a thousand galaxy class starships and I’ll give you the world!” And that’s when Mall Santa realizes he’s made a grave mistake.
  • The last one is from pajiba and I love it. Seriously, though pajiba GoT's reviews are the highlight of my Tuesdays. I sit there, Tuesday morning, drink my coffee and read it and laugh in my office.;
  • I really need to catch up with Peaky Blinders. Apparently Tommy is about to show up and it's been oo long since I've seen him in something new. His character  in Peaky, Alfie Solomons is my favorite from his characters. I love that beard so damn much. I just wanna crawl in there and live there.
  • Cannes. Cringe city. Xavier Dolan has been acting like a little bitch and they still gave him an award.
  • And then this happened.
  • Anne Hathaway wore a really unfortunate dress for Alice in Wonderland premiere 
  • And surprisingly it's not the worst thing she did this week.
  • True Detective is most likely dead. That sucks. Season 2 wasn't the best but it was very atmospheric and Rachel McAdams's performance there was absolutely outstanding.
  • This week there was all this buzz about female Bond because Gillian Anderson expressed interest in playing 007. And seriously she has more balls than the person that seems to be in consideration.I don't wanna live in the world where Jaime Bell is Bond.
  • We have the first look at Katherine Waterston in Alien: Covenant:
  • Amber Heard is divorcing Johnny Depp, two dies after his mother passed. Well of course. Though there are rumours she actually didn't want to marry Depp to begin with it's fairly evident this was just her using him to get fame and money. Apparently there was no prenup. Will somebody save Depp from himself? First he fucks up his career, now his personal life is collapsing.
  •  Mettel Ray, epilepticmoondancer, Mark and Khalid review High-Rise. Lots of different opinions there but I agree with Mettel. Thought it was a mess not even naked Hiddles could save.
  • Brittani recaps The Door 
  • Alex features the dreamy and super talented Mark Ruffalo in his In Character series 
  • m.brown decided to fuck up his own week - and ours by extension - by watching and then posting about Blackfish and reminding us that animal cruelty is the thing that exist.


    1. I don't know. I thought Anne looked alright. Did you see gif of Mads Mikkelsen reacting to Xavier Dolan's speech? I don't think he likes him very much.

      That red-headed dude from GoF really wants Brienne and she was like "oh fuck... This is what I attract?"

      Amber Heard splits from Johnny Depp.... who didn't see that coming?

      The fact that she filed for divorce 3 days after his mom dies and asking for spousal support just makes her a fucking gold-digging bitch. I don't want to hear anymore of her bullshit.

      You know something. I think Johnny Depp for the past few years is really going through a mid-life crisis. He thinks that "OK, I'm big now in Hollywood. I'll just do whatever I want, make money, and get this blonde hottie and everything will be fine". Well, you can't take him seriously anymore. His films are so bad nowadays that they're already bordering to the lowest common denominator that is the derp-de-derp films that Nic Cage is doing these days. He feels the need to try and be cool when he doesn't need to. Now, he's a fuckin' joke. In all honesty, I think he never should've left Vanessa Paradis. I think she grounded him and kept him in check and probably one the reasons they split was because she didn't want to go to Hollywood preferring to stay in France.

      I'm not surprised by the rumors that Johnny's late mama (R.I.P.), his sister, and his children don't like Amber. After all, mama is always right.

      1. OH MY GOD thank you so much for pointing me towards Mads' reaction this is absolutely glorious!

        Yeah it does seem like Vanessa wanted their life to be the way it was but Johnny just got lazy and used to superstar thing :/ I feel bad for him because he looks like a very fragile and naive person who got taken advantage of here

    2. Hehe I love reading your GoT love/hate bits, even though I have no idea what you are on about, or who Stoneheart is :P Gotta love the passion

      And thanks for the link about Dolan. What a little bitch!! Its obvious that past critical success, at a relatively young age, has gone to his head. Some of those reviews that he moaned about were hilarious. And at 27, he reacts by saying "I don't know if I want to go on being a director after this"?! That sounds like a child talking. I hope he keeps his word

      And that rap battle was... weird.

      Enjoy your break! :)

      1. Thank you:D

        I like Dolan's movies but the way he acts it's just so petty. No way I'll b able to forget about his whining if I see another movie of his

      2. Ha yes indeed, I didn't mind Mommy, haven't seen any of his others, but yeah next time I see a movie of his I'm going to have that childish attitude in the back of my head.

        Hope you enjoyed your break :)

      3. I did, but it was too short :/

    3. So...I skipped over the Thrones stuff for obvious reasons (I'm three episodes away from finishing up season 5 BTW)

      Poor, that's the worst...and yet, he's a complete mess and kind of a joke so maybe it's all just hilarious.

      True Detective is dead? That's a shame. I have both seasons at the top of my queue so I was getting excited to see it (and hopefully more)...but at least Fargo is set for season 3 (with Ewan McGregor in tow!)

      1. Well, it's not hilarious anymore. The abuse allegations, photos and now videos are damning, for sure, and any and all sympathy I had for Depp and the 'timing' is out the window.

        Team Heard

      2. There is one photo. She claims to have a video, but a claim is all there is. It's horrific people are taking claims as facts over one photo.

    4. HA! That picture at the end killed me.
      I couldn't even write a full review of High-Rise...I started with WTF and couldn't think of anything else to say. What was all that?!
      - Allie

      1. Yeah I gave up on reviewing it too, such a mess of a movie

    5. I can't wait for depussied Jaime and crazy Cersei either. I need Jaime and Brienne to get back together, they're at their best that way. I'll miss Tormund and Brienne though lol

      I'm disappointed that True Detective isn't coming back. S2 was not that bad. Nothing was ever going to live up to S1.

      Johnny Depp needs to check into rehab or something. He looks rough. Sounds like this divorce will be rough too. Ugh.

      Thanks for the link!

      1. I thought he looked really rough too, ESPECIALLY in that bizarre apology video he made when he tried to bring his dogs here. His eyes gave it away, he looked on another planet

      2. Depp may need a rehab but really this whole abuse thing is's so disturbing how little it take for people to believe such claims

    6. I haven't seen the latest Game of Thrones episode so I skipped that part, but I have seen so many Brienne and Tormund stuff that I would be devastated when it doesn't happen.. which I guess it doesn't

      Depp's career has gone off rails, and it's sad to look at this man destroying his life. I mean, he was so strictly stating that he would never marry, while he was with Vanessa, and then he went off with a young woman, looking for fame, and look at Heard's career now... she messed up just as much as Depp has. Good for her, to get out now.. better than later I guess.

      Thanks for the link! And nice to hear you agree with my review the most, makes me less guilty for writing such a bad review on it..

    7. Glad to hear you had a 4-day long weekend, you deserved the break!

      "I don't wanna live in the world where Jaime Bell is Bond." Yep, me too! Seriously, what are the Bond producers smokin'?? Heck, a Jane Bond w/ Gillian Anderson is something I'd watch!!

      1. Thank you! Jaime Bell looks like the OPPOSITE of James Bond, seriously.

    8. So much gold here. Love the GoT recap. I agree, a plotting Cersei is the best Cersei. Really digging that Alien: Covenant still too. Thanks for the link!

      1. I really hope A:Covenant is good but them not bringing back Rapace is a bad sign :/

    9. Skipping most of the GoT spoilers, but that last photo is priceless!