Friday, March 17, 2017

(279) Go with the flow + links

By sati (harlequinade) Friday, March 17, 2017
  • If that's not porn...
  • ...then I don't know what the FUCK porn is.
  • First of all, happy St. Patrick's Day! (though over here every Friday is St. Patrick's Day and technically it's still Thursday were you are, but this thing is so long I had to publish it already. God one knows how much would I add tomorrow)
  • Secondly, I do hope you're about to enjoy the sickest most fun part of any RF - the pervy opening paragraphs 80% of it - because the dark forces (Sony and WB) are gathering (about to take a shit on) and are coming for our favorite things (rebooting the movies we love).
  • But before we get to that....
  • If you follow me on twitter (and you really shouldn't - no one should be exposed to this much stupid) or read this column regularly (this is even worse) then you already know that when last Friday I saw Hugh Jackman split that shotgun in half on his knee in Logan the space continuum thingy broke the fuck down. And there, defenseless and powerless, I got sucked in again...into the vortex...of Tinkerbell Pervypocalypse.
  • I actually knew this was going to happen few seconds into the movie. The moment I saw him looking a little bit homeless, being grumpy and killing people while throwing the F word around I went "oh, no" .
  • I knew. I just knew. I knew it meant making gifs, watching shitload of talk show appearances and even rewatching Les Mis and fucking Prisoners (fun fact: he is my choice #3 for worst actor that year for his intense Oscar bait aka sink vandalism acting) is my near future. 
  • Jesus Christ...Van Helsing
  • This is how it happens. Your brain explodes and you experience a flashforward. And then you are back and sit there wide-eyed in worship mode having deep thoughts like 'you know if he was banging me and his claws came out and killed me, I wouldn't mind'. And then you're like 'I should focus on the movie'. And then it gets shot to shit when he is all bloody and picks up a child from the ground and carries her in his arms and you feel like you are going to die.
  • Why God, why? Why did it have to happen? Why did he have to look so adorably homeless? And why is that the thing that made me go 'oh my' after so many of you already crossed that bridge a while back when it comes to him?
  • What the fuck is wrong with me?
  • No, no, we don't have the kind of time here to explore that. Although let's just agree that if my type of a man looks like a homicidal, violent, homeless and grumpy alcoholic then the possibility of me being violently murdered is almost as high as me simply dying alone and Gustav chewing my face off.
  • Now that we predicted I'll be brutally murdered one day - here is far more current issue: should I send the basket of mini muffins to the cinema? There is no way, week later, the seat I sat on during Logan is dry yet. m.brown thinks there is a police tape there by now. I think they should burn some sage. I also think every single person who had the misfortune of being in the same cinema as me should get exorcised, just in case.
  • Never fear readers, I have a plan. Monday, Wednesday and Friday are gonna be Hugh days and Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays are gonna be Ed's days. And Sundays should - and I'm sure soon will - be electroshock days.
  • So far the execution of that plan is going horribly.
  • But the upside is that I have seen Jackman point to his dick while trying to get Taron Egerton to guess the phrase 'go with the flow' about 15 times by now.
  • I'm not sure how this is an upside, but let's just say it is.
  • Every single time something like this happens the usual drill is just to go for the movies (and as God is my witness I will sit through Australia again). But this is different because my first instinct was checking out all those interviews he gave on talk shows. I can only assume that my own instincts are to die because Jesus Christ I knew the man was charming (blast from the past - you may wanna read what I wrote about him when it comes to Les Mis GG, it was fun for me to go back and spot the seeds of madness) but this was almost deadly levels of it.
  • I saw that Jackman/Fassbender/McAvoy episode of Graham Norton. I just cannot believe these women waved 5 dollar bills. Just to be clear I am taking offense at the nominal here. Come on ladies. At least a 100. I googled...stuff (no, no! I'm not linking dick pics here for the third time in a month, ladies!). 5 bucks ain't enough. I'm pretty sure what is left of my soul wouldn't be enough.
  • I also rewatched Deception which I saw years ago and therefore knew exactly just how shit it was but I didn't remember the crucial thing about that movie, or any movie, really: whether or not he has scenes where he bangs women (and you can actually see stuff).
  • He did but you saw fuck all.
  • I was very sad.
  • Ewan had a lot of action in this, though.
  • I also saw a lot of his appearances on Fallon. A lot of  things happened there but I may faint when discussing them. I also fell down the hole when I googled his pictures when he walks dogs:
  • Just look how smug the one on the right is.
  • I'm just gonna link this other thing
  • I can't even talk about it. I can't.
  • Amanda Seyfried is pregnant now isn't she? How the fuck did she get pregnant when her ovaries exploded?
  • The struggle to will my brain into doing something productive was real on Monday as I was writing my Logan review. It's truly admirable that I wrote something so coherent.
  • And then also on Monday this happened:
  • Can I pet him please? Also here's what tumblr did with this picture.
  • Yep, he has a twitter. 
  • I already asked if I can adopt him. 
  • I'm just sitting here, waiting to get sued.
  • As early as Tuesday things were already at catastrophic level:
  • On Wednesday I saw The Wolverine. He pornographically grunts in this too. Also behold:
  • MPAA and their strategic censorship of godlike form is truly evil. Why is everyone so afraid of this?! Women can be naked but oh, the humanity! A penis! Maybe if there were more out there on the screen poor Patrick Stewart would have a better idea of what a cut and uncut one looks like.
  • To be fair it's not always obvious. At least to me but maybe I don't look long enough. And it depends where you are, geographically. Here we don't have many cut ones. Actually...
  • know what?
  • Let's not follow the dick path and just move on.
  • (oh by the way, Dunkirk was just rated PG-13 for 'intense war experience'. Well, shit and fuck. There is 'intense war experience' in a war movie? Thank you for clarifying this, MPAA.)
  • The film was pretty good, it's nowhere near as great as Logan but it's pretty solid action flick. I also correctly predicted which one of the ladies (who all eyefucked him) is gonna be the lucky one to score. 
  • He banged the shy, suicidal one. 
  • This film was so relatable.
  • And by the way guys, I asked which one to watch first - Origins or this one - and some of you were talking to me about the script and actual filmmaking aspects of it. All you had to do was mention the above scene. That's literally all you had to do. 
  • Van Helsing, guys. I will literally watch dog shit. 
  • I'm just gonna leave my tweet from several hours ago here: 
  • Now I really hope Reynolds who seems to wanna bang him almost as much as I do talks him into appearing in Deadpool 2. It would still be cool if he showed up as someone else or as himself. 
  • You know what else I thought of? Colin Farrell plays the character Clint Eastwood played in original The Beguiled. And so many people said Hugh Jackman should play the part because he is apparently similar looking (I don't know, I never wanted to sit on Eastwood's face). Can you fucking imagine...him romancing as a wounded soldier all those chicks in a secluded school? Should we be sad this didn't happen or should we be glad because we would all die watching this?
  • I've been really bad Ed Harris fangirl this week but! since it's Saint Patrick's Day I implore everyone yet again to watch State of Grace (there is a SP day parade there near the end during really cool shootout sequence) which not that you would remember - because I sincerely hope the words from this column escape your mind quickly - but I called it 90s Departed. And everything 90s is generally better. Also on the bright side I did make a lot of progress in my write up and I saw Ed's part in Creepshow (which was so much like Tales of the Crypt). 4 out of 80's films left!
  • The problem is my mind is so blown from how bizarre Walker, Knighriders and Creepshow are I don't even know what to write about those. It's pure camp. It's Ed Harris in camp movies. I feel like I should just put trailers for those films because that should be enough to intrigue people.
  • Where the hell are any news about Westworld? It's been 4 months since the show ended. Ed Harris is nowhere near the desert they shoot on. All that I have to give people on my board are fan edits. Is HBO kidding here?
  • Don't ask me how my Best of 2016 post is going.
  • It's not. 
  • Can I just skip this year altogether? Between Fury Road and Logan there is zero passion from me for movies released in between those. 
  • Oh God are the only movies I'm able to truly enjoy anymore road films with lost girls and a scruffy hero? Wait, I think I know how I will get murdered...I'll start hitchhiking, won't I?
  • The Handmaiden was great but I didn't feel the need to write about it this much. I enjoyed Hell or High Water the most of 2016 films but it's the kind of movie you watch and have fun but you don't cry about it later. Thinking of Fury Road and Logan is moving on its own.
  • I'll eventually make the list, it's tradition after all. It's just 2016 was just such a shit cinematic year.
  • So Ben Affleck posted on his facebook that he has been in rehab for alcoholism. He apparently checked in after the Oscars. So that is roughly two weeks. Now he is out there saying on facebook that he 'completed' treatment.
  • Let me preface what I have to say that with this - I think it's a fantastic and wonderful thing when a person admits they have a problem AND does something about it. It's the easiest thing to develop addiction and the hardest to stop it. So that's great and all the best luck to Ben.
  • But...
  • I have to point out that his wording is silly and frankly a bit insulting, especially given that these statements are always so carefully prepared.
  • The fact that Affleck is an alcoholic is well known. The only people who haven't realized must be those who never took a look at his face. This is also not Affleck's first rodeo when it comes to rehab. And there is no way someone who probably also takes drugs, at his age, completed even the simple detox in this time.
  • First of all, you cannot cure alcoholism, you 'cannot complete' treatment. Second of all, in two weeks time the only thing he did was detoxing his liver. And after Oscar parties, who knows if the two weeks time was even enough. He would have to sit his ass in there for 3 months for anything effective. Third of all, and this is why I am even writing this paragraph, the shady as fuck timing of this statement. I resent the fact that someone is using something as serious as addiction as a bait for the media because this is what is happening. In the last 2 weeks there was again the uninteresting will they, won't they get divorced drama between him and his wife, new Batman drama and most damning of all - more and more people asking Casey Affleck about his shady past in light of him winning the Oscar. 
  • In other DCEU is a mess news - Suicide Squad 2 will be written by the person who wrote The Legend of Tarzan. What can possibly go wrong?
  • And here we have new Wonder Woman trailer. It's nowhere near as awesome as the one from Comic Con but it seems Gal has found the right balance between innocence and fierceness and I do love that wicked look little Diana has on her face when she sees the sword.
  • Poor Dan Stevens. Imagine your not even attractive co-star goes 'oh he was way more hot before he turned into human form played by this actor'.
  • Here's new trailer for American Gods. It looks a bit cheap and not as awesome as Fuller's shows look usually...but Ian McShane is in it and it's really all that matters. 
  • Ed Sheeran is gonna have a cameo on on Game of Thrones. I quite like this dude's songs, especially Bloodstream and the show is a mess now anyways, so why not.
  • Here's Jeff Bridges bringing back the Dude for John Goodman's Walk of Fame ceremony last week
  • Christian Bale is probably fucking done professionally with Terence Malick.
  • Not only is Sony doing another monumentally stupid thing (first Spider Man, then Ghosbusters) but they got completely fucking stupid director to do it.
  • They are finally making the sequel to The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo...but it's a reboot. Yep. Their ditching Fincher which is bad but they are also ditching Craig and Mara which is just so dumb.
  • This is what the director Fede Alvarez said about that on twitter - It's said that 50% of the director's work is casting. If I'd just take Fincher's (amazing) casting, I wouldn't be doing half of my job. 
  • If you need someone to dissect this idiocy, this post does this better than I ever could.
  • But if you think this is the most terrible idea Hollywood had this week..
  •'re wrong.
  • This just borders on sacrilege, doesn't it? The movie is what, 18 years old? I actually remember watching it on my VCR for the very first time in 2002, maybe? I was 13. They are rebooting movies I saw when I was a teenager? Fuck off!
  • And finally in 1,5h I will sit through Prisoners again. And I will livetweet my experience. I am sure this viewing will be far more entertaining than the last but damn, nothing can improve this dumb as hell plot.
  • m.brown reviews Hacksaw Ridge
  • Alex writes about his favorite performances of the late, wonderful Bill Paxton 
  • Keith and Brittani review Kong: Skull Island 
  • MettelRay chooses her favorite movies set in ancient world
  • Ruth writes about new Wonder Woman trailer
  • Myerla, Jordan and Dell review Logan
  • KG's Movie Reviews has a guide in case you wanna see more of Hugh Jackman as Logan. And you should. Good God, we all should.


    1. Now Hugh Jackman is your crush? Wow... He is handsome and buff. Plus, he is hilarious.

      Poor Ben Affleck. I think all of the pressure of just trying to live up to expectations over being Batman and such got to him. At least he's admitting he has a problem. I just want to make sure he's OK and that he's got his family and friends to help him.

      Please GoT.... kill Ed Sheerhan. He sucks.

      Matrix remake.... fuck off!!!!!

      1. I know! I exploded during Logan! and he seems like such a sweet guy

        It seems Ben's family is all supporting him, it's good he has kids if he didn't it would probably be harder for him to decide he wants to get better

    2. If someone would've told me yesterday that today I'd be reading about being able to tell the difference between a cut and an uncut penis I would've slapped them. You never fail to surprise me. Good stuff.

      1. Haha, I swear sometimes I start something and don't know where it will go. But that's all Patrick Stewart's fault, he brought it up and I really don't know why he did but it's hilarious

    3. Lol I love how you balance your perving.

      I think Colin Farrell is hot on his own but man the thought of Jackman in The Beguiled...

      Dan Stevens is also hot, I feel bad for him. Though not as bad as I feel for Amanda Seyfried right now.

      Terrence Malick movies....yeesh.

      Thanks for the link!

      1. Yeah the thought of Jackman in The Beguiled actually made me drool.

    4. Oh, this made my day.. mm, Hugh.. Too bad you do have to sit through very long and very not so good movies with him but at least Wolverine is naked a lot in his movies so there's that. Also, Eddie the Eagle is quite a fun movie to rewatch I bet.. and I bet there are a few other movies I can't think of now that might be not as bad as rewatching Les Mis.. Like, I would never rewatch it, I just, can't.. you're so brave!

      Bloodstream is also my fav from Sheeran but I do like many of his songs from the new album that have Irish vibes to them, I can't recall their names but both have female names in the title or women's names as titles or something.

      Outraged about the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo reboot.. I don't think anyone except Fincher and Craig/Mara could capture the darkness of that series as well as they did the first time around. I think out of Fincher's work, it is the one I least turn to when I'm in a mood for something dark (Zodiac will remain my favourite forever), but it's still good and after rewatching it I liked it a lot more than the first time around. I just.. why reboot something that doesn't need it?? I just.. why!?

      Thank you for the link! And happy weekend! Hope it's filled with Ed and Hugh!! :D

      1. I never saw Eddie the Eagle! i was going to last week, I think I may see it tonight after I finish Prisoners. Yes 'brave'. Let's go with that word :)

        His songs are really catchy too, at least enough for me to bounce a little bit on the office chair when they play him on the radio :P

        That reboot idea is so fucking dumb. I know Fincher is expensive and the first movie didn't make much money but I think it had pretty decent following and the sequel would be successful. Sony is just a retarded studio.

    5. I love witnessing your extreme fan-girling...I've been here through so many...Ed, Harrison, Jared, and so forth.

      I cannot believe you re-watched Les Miz...I'd rather pull my eyeballs much NO with that movie I can't even.

      1. I know it's like the asylum for the horny around here...

        I haven't yet but I'm gonna. It's such a fucking bad movie but Hugh is very good in it

    6. Thanks for the link Margaret!

      Mwahahaha!! I love it when you’re crushing on someone new, you have such a fun way describing your um, explosive emotion… I feel like I have to gird my loins, ahah.

      “…'you know if he was banging me and his claws came out and killed me, I wouldn't mind’” Ahah somehow I knew that, goes without saying!

      Well I’m having such an intense crush on a local actor now (in fact I met him today and was surprised I didn’t pass out!). But of course I can’t say even a fraction of some of the stuff you’re saying here…

      Oooh I LOVE that Graham Norton episode w/ Michael and James, sooooo much fun! And that one w/ Patrick Stewart… priceless!

      Bale got cut from the new Malick film?? Wow I remember seeing him filming that thing, but FOUR weeks!! Man, I have NO idea why anyone would want to work w/ him anyway, he seems to be creatively challenged lately.

      1. You're welcome! just...words come to me in the moment of...admiration :)

        That's what the blogs are for :)

        Yeah I'd hate to work with someone and then have my scenes cut...and I don't think he even releases the cut footage so it's basically like weeks of work for these people going into the trash

    7. Thanks for the link! Yeah, I'm completely with you about the Affleck/2-week recovery thing. I too am very sensitive and respectful to someone admitting they have a problem of that nature, and seeking help for it. But anyone with a basic grasp about substance abuse (especially decades-long substance abuse) knows that 2 weeks isn't enough time to "complete" anything. Very odd.

      1. Exactly. I'm doing my cleanse right now and that's gonna be two weeks and I just smoke and drink on weekends. God knows what Affleck does but I'm sure it's more than what I do :)

    8. ‘I actually knew this was going to happen few seconds into the movie. The moment I saw him looking a little bit homeless, being grumpy and killing people while throwing the F word around I went "oh, no"’ Wow. This is…equal parts alarming and fantastic.

      “I also fell down the hole when I googled his pictures when he walks dogs.” I have never added ‘walking dogs’ or ‘+ dogs’ to a Google search. I thought we just let Google autofill ‘nude’ or ‘girlfriend’ and proceed accordingly. Who knew?

      These may be fighting words, but whatever Fede Alvarez decides to do, I’m with it. I’ve seen two of his movies and was f—king leveled by the brutality that guy goes for. I can’t wait for whatever he does next, even if he's got a high f--king standard to live up to.

      Thanks for the link!!!

      1. I am starting to think you may not actually make it through this movie. The only reason I'm not gonna go see it in the cinema again is because I legit think I would not leave that building :P

        No way dude who cannot even come up with a decent rebuttal tweet can top Fincher or whoever they get to play Lisbeth tops Mara. I cannot even think of a single actress who I think would have a shot to do something decent there

    9. Your Friday posts are always great. Thanks for all the links to movie news, etc. I also loved that episode of Graham Norton with Jackman/Fassbender and McAvoy. Maybe you've watched this interview before, with Jake Gyllenhaal and Jackman, but I had a good laugh watching it:

      And can't believe Emma Watson said that... like, seriously? I actually thought he and Luke Evans were a perfect casting choice because of their good looks and how Stevens could look like the prince. I didn't follow Downton Abbey but when I saw Stevens on The Guest I thought he was really sexy.

      1. Thank you! I've never seen that one before, God Hugh is just adorable in interviews and Jake always has awesome chemistry with his co-stars

        Oh Stevens was just fantastic in The Guest! Very good looking dude