Friday, March 24, 2017

(280) God bless Australia + links

By sati (harlequinade) Friday, March 24, 2017
  • I thought of a nickname for him.
  • Are you guys ready to know what it is? 
  • ...
  • .....
  • .......
  • Boo kangaroo.
  • Exactly.
  • Here's the visual.
  • (let's disregard all the typos in the following tweets and just be glad my brain can even somewhat formulate words anymore)
  • Welcome to week 2...of this:
  • The last tweet is what happens when you're horny, stupid and bored at work.
  • I rewatched Prisoners. Yep, still so dumb. And the pace of that thing! 2,5h of various subplots designed to throw the audience off the scent as to who kidnapped those kids even though Dano pretty much admits to it in the parking lot in the first 30 minutes of it. The cinematography is great, the scene where Gyllenhaal drives the girl to the hospital near the end is sensational and his performance is amazing but the story is just such a fucking nonsense. Here are some tweets:
  • 2,5h....not one shirtless scene. Jesus Christ.
  • I followed that with Eddie the Eagle (1st time watch) and that was a really charming, entertaining and sweet movie. Seriously I can't recommend it enough. I don't think there is anyone out there who wouldn't enjoy this film.  Taron Egerton is such a likable actor and he was really wonderful here and Hugh was just lovely. I also appreciate the fact he spent the entire movie in insanely tight jeans.
  •  There is a scene where he fakes an orgasm...
  •  I think I simply need to burn my chair. now it's probably required by the law that I do that.
  • Swordish was even dumber than I remembered and I don't know why but Hugh had an earring in that. Not even Harrison Ford can pull off an earring. Thankfully this happened:
  • so...what earring?
  • Then I saw Someone Like You
  • How the hell did I not see this movie before? I thought I saw every single romantic comedy of the early aughts that was unleashed upon the world. The plot of the movie was dumb and the heroine was pathetic (and I'd probably act the same way in her situation, except I am not former cheerleader so I don't even have that going for me, so she is actually less pathetic than me) but my God, the swoon factor. 
  • And funny thing it was released in the same year as Bridget Jones' Diary and shares two songs with it and ends in almost exactly the same way. I foresee a lot of rewatches of this one.
  • Sometimes though, it backfires when you are single and put a romantic movie on. There was this scene where she is a mess and he hugs her and tells her she will find love again and I actually had to stop the movie and I wept for good 20 minutes.
  • It was probably because I just did my spring cleanse so there was no liquor to drown my human impulses in.
  • Fucking Hollywood suggesting that there is the one out there waiting for you! And everything is gonna be all right! When in my office there are men who won't even hold the door open for women. And you handle divorce cases all the time where people who once loved each other and now have kids do things so heinous to each other it just makes you sad. You can get used to any situation when you focus on upsides of your life and the downsides of the life you occasionally think you want.  And there are people who literally have nothing out there so I have no right to complain. I probably shouldn't be sad because we all want what we currently don't have and if we had it we would find a million problems with it and want the opposite. But sometimes you watch a goddamn movie and something in it just shatters your little glass wall.
  • What the fuck am I talking about, right? Why am I going all serious and deep in the middle of perving session? It's like someone stopped foreplay and started talking about explosive diarrhea.
  • I apologize, if you lived on kale for a week straight (sorry, there is also arugula and some tomatoes), you'd be less inclined to attempt to put a humorous spin on things too. Just be grateful I never wrote the review of  Christine with my personal thoughts. Let's just stop depressing you all and go back to spreading Tinkerbell dust and making you laugh!
  • Because eyes are about to get messed up. When he is shirtless I legitimately have no idea where to look. At his face? At his torso? At his bulge? Where, where the fuck do I look?!
  • On Sunday I rewatched Van Helsing which I have not seen in more than a decade. Oh man...was that bad. It started well but then after 10 minutes it was getting worse. And then it got worse steadily for 120 minutes. The CGI other then the werewolves special effects was just awful, Kate Beckinsale's heavy make up in freaking Transylvania was hilarious and the story was such nonsense. There was also this one scene where he was falling out of the carriage and his legs were spread and there was a wheel and I was so worried about his dick so that was extremely stressful. BUT....the original theme was badass and Hugh's outfit, torso and hair and you know...his everything, were enough to guarantee a good time.
  • Then I rewatched Scoop which is one of Woody's worse films but it's still pretty damn funny. It has the great Ian McShane, Charles Dance shows up (for two brief scenes, but still), Allen is in it and he always makes me laugh when he is acting in his movies and there are several really funny scenes. Jackman's evil acting was ridiculous (oh baby, you tried...), but GOOD GOD:
  • Don't you fucking dare tell me imdb boards were evil. This is from the archived board for Scoop -  Apparently you weren't the only one to think so. The wet swim trunks are clinging to Mr. Jackman in way that is certainly flattering, but I would not say he was displaying any heightened arousal. Since wet fabric tends to cling, and swim trunks provide little to no male support, the wet swim trunks outlined and emphasized Mr. Jackman's anatomy in a manner similar to wet t-shirts on young co-eds.Considering that most pools are kept below body temperature and that he had just come out of the water, Mr. Jackman retained his size quite well. I believe his former co-star Kate Beckinsale would be a better judge on that. According to the July 2006 Allure magazine, Ms. Beckinsale said of Mr. Jackman while filming Van Helsing:"He was naked in one of our scenes, and they had to wedge it all so it wouldn't show, but it sort of all fell out, and his bits and pieces rested gently on my leg. It was, you know, a privilege." Apparently neither physical restraint nor cold water can contain Mr. Jackman.  
  • Read that last sentence again. I dare you.
  • It's out there. My belief now is that one day this beautiful man is going to be The Angelic Kangaroo that brings the End of the World. How will he start the Apocalypse? He'll tweet that footage. After he tweeted this we know he is not above tweeting actual porn.
  • I also saw Chappie for the very first time on Monday. The longer it went, the worse it got and the gangsta subplot was absolutely ridiculous and unbearable. However they really made me care for the robot and the scenes were they abused him were extremely difficult  to watch. Hugh had hilarious hair in this and he spoke with his Australian accent. I'm not sure what he was trying to do but he was trying to do...something. He was one of the very few highlights of this movie.
  • on Saturday I watched a movie sans Hugh, you know to recover a little bit, and that was Manchester by the Sea. Thanks to m.brown I knew something absolutely fucking horrific happens and let's say the second we saw Lee's situation in flashbacks I knew exactly to whom this is going to happen. But still it was just so awful when I was proven right. However the film was nowhere near as dark as I was worried it was going to be, there was so much humor there and the chemistry between Affleck and Hedges was absolutely delightful. 
  •  The only thing that I didn't fully dig about Manchester was Wiliams' acting. She is usually good and I do give her credit for her performance in Blue Valentine - had I made the list of top 5 characters in cinematic history I hate the most her spoiled, heartless, stupid (by all means wannabe doctor, bang a guy without using protection) bitch of a character would be near the top. But her work in Manchester was not very convincing.
  • And just for the record I disliked her performance before I found out about this:
  • There is no way what she does in this movie will pierce its way through my intense jealousy during whatever romantic scenes she has with him. Crap, I was hoping Rebecca Ferguson (who is also in the movie) plays his wife. Her I like!
  • Took me a whole day to realize he already worked with Michelle - and groped her - in Deception. Is it perhaps some sort of dormant dislike that was lying there in my brain since I first saw this movie years ago? We'll never know. There is no one in this world brave enough to analyze my mind.
  • Also this is insanely irrational because that film seems as Oscar baity as Oscar baits go but I want it to get pushed to 2018 (by the way they had a fire on the set. What the fuck, PROTECT boo kangaroo! I'm so upset there was a fire near him I'm not even gonna make a joke that it probably started because he is so hot. Shit, I just made that joke, didn't I?) because that way maybe he would get in for Logan and I just want him to win for something that means so much to him and would mean so much for fans and genre films if leading actor Oscar went to a movie like that - not just typical fucking biography award season movie. It would literally make me so fucking happy if this man won for Logan. People still look down on films like that. It's not right. 
  • Like can you imagine him winning for playing Wolverine over all those 'serious' performances in 'serious' dramas ? That would be one of the best things ever. People would cheer, he would cry, my underwear would probably hit the TV screen so fast while I weep, Gustav would look at me with such great disdain and sighed...just pure Oscar magic.
  • If this thing is out in 2017 then Logan is gonna be seen as just something that pushes the members to vote for another performance of his ("oh he was good in that comic book movie so I guess he deserves to be nominated for that serious movie"). And I sincerely doubt he can top that there. To be fair I literally don't think anyone this year in any movie can top what he did.
  • I weep just thinking of some of his scenes. I found this on tumblr and again I wept for several minutes. 
  • Then I found this.
  • You still have time
  • Oh, fuck my life.
  • (yeah, I think I should just give up on those occasional cleanses and embrace living like I don't wanna live, this fucking detox is messing me up. The leather skirt I mentioned last week fits perfectly now but at what cost, Jesus Christ).
  •  Michael Shannon may be in Deadpool 2. Make it happen, Reynolds. And get Hugh in there. Shirtless. Just do it, Ryan. Just do it. Make Canada proud. Make us proud.You're the only Hugh fangirl he follows on twitter. Use that influence, Ryan. For the love of God, use it.
  • Now let's go back to Ed Harris. Because I have been informed by MettelRay of this. The problem is that imdb is not listing anything in filming stage for neither Ed nor that dude with him. 
  • So let me get this straight - not only did imdb nuke the boards where there were literally whole threads about Jackman's dick but now they are also failing to provide filming information and I know more than they do because I have wide net of spies among my awesome readers who give me a shout whenever they spot one of my favs?
  • This is not for Westworld obviously because HBO is giving us news about that at glacial pace and nothing is happening. This is also not for porn because I'm not this lucky.  No idea what it is for. I will be vigilantly observing what happens though.
  • I managed to sneak Ed in between Hugh (aren't I good with words, guys?) and finally saw Jacknife where he almost made mustache work and stole the show from De Niro. I also have written 16 out of 20 for my first post about him so all wee need now is screencaps and one day of finishing up and as I promised it will up in March. So...such diversity around here.
  •  I don't know if I have faith in Aronofsky anymore. And Mother! needs to deliver because this is my only hope for Oscar season that includes both Hugh and Ed. I'm pretty sure Geostorm's sole accomplishment will be if it gets a single fresh review on Rotten Tomatoes.
  •  Camille Preaker, the main character in Sharp Objects, is a beautiful, sexy, slim, mysterious woman. And to best of my recollection, a brunette. The filming of the adaptation with Amy Adams in this role began this week. Behold this disaster.
  • Not only is she still ginger but what is going on with her stomach? Did she just had enormous lunch? Did she just, in retaliation, devour some poor Academy member who did not nominate her for her shitty sulking in Arrival? She is gonna show up, do her usual boring act and can't even be bothered to dye that carrot mop. OH MY GOD.
  • Here's awesome and truly inspired new poster for Alien: Covenant. 10 bucks this poster is gonna turn out to be much better than the actual movie.
  • Penelope has horrific voice but this may just work. Her as Donatella is certainly more interesting than Gaga playing her. I wish we were getting this season sooner, not a year from now.
  •  Rebecca Ferguson is gonna be surrounded by the whole lot of blandness in this movie. Also my God, Cavill is gonna be seated in all of his scenes with Cruise, right? Tommy Girl apparently doesn't like when other actors are taller than him so this is probably something that is actually stipulated in the contract.
  • Hide. Your. Couches.
  • Charlize and Jason bringing the hotness to China for the premiere of that new Fast and Furious movie yesterday.
  • In case you don't know it and you're a guy - being a woman is fucking terrible. And here's another proof - EW covers dedicated to new season of Twin Peaks. Men age better than women. Look at Kyle. Meanwhile I seriously didn't recognize Laura Palmer there.
  • I'm 27 years (still, technically. In September I'm gonna kill myself) old and I need to use night cream. Goddammit, everything is just so unfair this week, isn't?
  • Here's the very charming trailer for Love Actually reunion special.
  • Tom Hardy is gonna read another bedtime story this weekend for Mother's Day in UK. You know, just in case your ovaries recovered after he read it last time. He was on the set of season 4 of Peaky Blinders today, along with his adorable dog Woody. Adrien Brody has just joined the cast of the show. 
  • If Woody Harrelson is giving up weed then I fear the End is truly upon us.
  • This is not right at all.
  • Zimmer gets hired to do the score. Zimmer gets paid for doing the score. Months later he whines about this and shits on Affleck's performance. Hans, you are acting like a bitch.
  •  I know fashion and not only is that skirt not it, it's an abomination. I'm size 6 from waist down so I assume Scarlett there is probably 2 or 4 (apparently she weights as much as I do, how is this possible?!). Yeah, not even size 0 could wear that skirt.
  • And finally, ladies and gentlemen....Ewan McGregor:
  • OnTheScreenReviews lists top 10 movies of the 90s 
  • Sinekdoks and Jordan review Life 
  • KG's Movie Rants reviews The Matrix
  • Ruth celebrated St. Patrick's Day with some awesome music scenes from movies
  • Chris reviews the only movie that matters - Logan
  • Alex shares Q&A with Terrence Malick
  • Brittani writes about terrific What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? 
  • MettelRay reviews Fifty Shades Shittier
  • and finally m.brown has an awesome review of The Wolverine. He attempts to fangirl about Hugh. Attemps because what you just witnessed right here on this website is the fucking mastery.


    1. " and his bits and pieces rested gently on my leg. It was, you know, a privilege." my god, this is the best thing Beckinsale has ever done.

      I'm curious to see where this Ed insta pic leads to. Partly because how come we have no information abut it, and partly because I can't believe I managed to inform someone about something without them knowing. I'm hardly present online these days and my gossip mill is running on slow speed (your RFs offer me the most gossip during the weeks), so I'm surprised as you are in regards to this lack of information.

      Oh Hugh.. I'm definitely watching Someone Like You tomorrow. Baking something for it as well.. even though I've been trying to loose 5kg like forever and managed to do so by this morning and then ruined it by having a major lunch.. I'm too old for this shit.. but hey, I'm doing a detox cleanse in the beginning of April so.. yay for me!

      It's okay to be a little depressing at times, it's alright.. to be alone.. but that's also what I say to myself when I cry myself to sleep at night. :D Oh well.. I'm going to have a very depressing.. well not depressing,. a serious paragraph in my next Commercial Break but unlike you, I don't have the humour to balance it out with laughs. But it's okay!!! Life's good and there's Hugh and Ed and Jake and Riz and all those men we adore and it's not weird at all to set the bar high for "regular" men who will most likely never reach it because they are not Hugh!

      1. It's just so odd there is no filming info for it. And he said 'film' there on instagram so it can't be this guy's show. I have no idea what to think of this and I'm usually the most informed person when it comes to Ed :D Thanks so much for linking me that post, I'd never found it myself

        Detox cleanse is evil. I should be doing it for another week but I just cannot go on like this :P

        Oh my God, I hope nothing bad happened! And this just sux. Real men are mostly awful, seriously the way they behave is just enough for me. When I see someone not letting a woman through the door first or hold the door open it just makes me wanna nuke this entire planet because people are just getting more terrible and stupid with every day. God, I wish everyone was like Hugh. It's really not that hard to be polite and well mannered yet you see so little of that out there

    2. Oh, thank you for the Shittie link! :D :D

      1. You're welcome! Gonna try to give it a read this weekend

    3. Yeah, that is not a very good dress on Scarlett.

      Another Mission Impossible? Fuck Tom Cruise and his holier-than-thou personality? If I'm a film festival promoting a film and I learn Tom Cruise is there. I'm going to wear a t-shirt with the words "I fucking hate Tom Cruise" written in my own blood.

      I can see you're doing a marathon of Hugh Jackman. Yes, he is a handsome man but I should warn you... X-Men Origins: Wolverine is pretty much one of the worst films ever as it doesn't give us anything new about the character and has Hugh in two emotions. Angry and mopey.

      I heard J-Law will do a nude scene in Mother as I bet it's just her being a fucking tease. Besides, I've already seen her naked. Nice body to whack off too but.... she ain't the Bullet Club. She's not even in my top 50 ladies I'd want to sleep with.

      1. Haha :D Last MissionI was good, though, especially Ferguson

        Eh, it's fine, he is shirtless in it and that's why I wanna watch Origins

        JLawrence shouldn't be in anyone's top 50 ladies they wanna sleep with :D

    4. Lmaoooo that Ewan gifset.

      Prisoners is amazing. How dare you lol

      Regarding Camille, she actually is a red head in the novel. She mentions that she dyed her hair red and her mom didn't notice.

      The one great memory of the shit storm that is Van Helsing is seeing the boom mic in theaters. I worked at one when we got it and I think my boss had to adjust the ratios but we saw that fucking boom mic when we did our employee watch of it lol.

      Thanks for the link!

      1. Prisoners is so damn stupid I mean what the fuck was with this whole maze thing? What maze? It was like watching westworld except without awesome stuff :D

        She is? Well I'm sure whatever red it was was not the orange Adams has going on there

        You're welcome! So glad you liked the film!

    5. Great f--king post, Sati. Totally hysterical.

      RIP imdb message boards. You will be missed. Now, I only have one site to frequent when I feel like thoughtfully discussing amazing wieners. And yes, it's this one.

      27? 27! I'll be f--king 38 in September. We should totally go to the movies together. We could meet the bottom of the Atlantic.

      "People would cheer, he would cry, my underwear would probably hit the TV screen so fast while I weep" My goodness. That's quite a lot of...emotion?

      I'm going to all I can to conquer Logan this weekend, but seeing Power Rangers may have been my lone trip to the cinema. And before you start with me, my son gave that f--ker a 10 out, I will forever love a movie that brought that little kid so much joy. (but, shocking no's pretty much awesomely retarded)

      Thanks for the vintage link!!! But don't poke the bear, Tink. I'll fangirl circles around you. And your little dog, too.

      1. Thank you! :P

        I'm so proud of my website these days :lol:

        Dude you have kids and are married. I'm getting drunk and livetweeting The Prestige. It's really not about the age, besides as we already established you fuckers age like fine wine.

        So glad your son had fun! It's so awesome that you are sharing your love for movies with him. Even if you take him to horribly inappropriate or awful movies.

        no one can outfangirl me, man. There is no way.

    6. I agree, this is a masterclass in fangirling, lol. My goodness you sat through a bunch of crap...except Prisoners, that's great, of course. That Kate Beckinsale story, oh my. I wouldn't mind resting something on her leg. Not that she'd let me, but hey, a guy can dream, right? Ain't that what we're doing here? lol. Great read, as always.

      1. Yeah for me Prisoners was one of the weakest there :P

        Yes, this is the place to dream :P And Beckinsale is a seriously gorgeous woman

    7. Haha I saw both Someone Like You and Kate and Leopold during my Jackman phase too. Terrible movies but hot man is hot.

      1. Yeah they are so stupid but also so charming and cute, so I'll end up seeing both far more times than actual good movies :)

    8. I must say you're fangirling over Jackman and Harris is highly entertaining. I love reading what you have to say, your humour is a delight.

      1. Thank you :) Well I'm glad I can at least turn...whatever this is into humorous posts :)

    9. Yep, master-class in fangirlism fo' sho!! Love it Sati :)

      And I assume you got my tweet :) I'm writing a second review for Logan. "Take two." So thank you! :) Again. I hope you have time to read it, I'd be really interested in your thoughts. One question though for the uninitiated - what was thesightseer or something like that? The final words of Xavier? I have no idea what the word was exactly so I dunno what to google!

      Hehe, if only Luke Evans, Hugh Jackman and Taron Edgerton all did a movie together. I love those guys! Though two of them are in Eddie The Eagle (I really should have seen that by now). I need to watch that shit asap.

      Keep up the awesome ranting... always a fan here. I just wish I were in your timezone (and used twitter more often than once a week) so I could follow your drunken livetweets. Haha they look like a barrel of laughs, as are these posts :)

      Cheers sati, have a good weekend

      1. Sunseeker. He dreamed of having a boat where he would be with Logan, away from everything. He spoke about it to him early in the movie, I think. - check this viral out, it may help :)

        Eddie the Eagle is so lovely, I'm sure you'll like it!

        Well you can always just check my twitter when you are there but I don't recommend reading this much stupid in one sitting :)

      2. Hehe, I like reading your rants. They are funny :D

        Thanks for the link btw! I didn't see that.

        Yes I remember that conversation about the boat. So that was the name of the boat. Wow, makes that scene even better. I think I might actually go see it for a third time, you've turned me into a serious Wolverine fan! I even downloaded the old game from 2009 where you just slash the shit outta people as Wolverine ;D!

      3. You should watch the movies chronologically! They move back and fort and are confusing as hell but I'd recommend just going from first X Men and then see them all. He only has a cameo in First Class and Apocalypse - haven't seen the latter but the former is a lot of fun

    10. OH! And hell yes, Australia is awesome. We are the best, you gotta admit it.

      1. You guys should get something for Hugh. Something awesome for giving the world such a gift

      2. I totally agree. The guy is just awesome as a person, and he is a damned great actor. He can sing, he can dance, he can do theatre. The guy seriously deserves some sort of honour from Australia.

        But our govmnt does not give two shits about local film, including Aussie stars that have 'made it', so enjoy the gift of Hugh, cos most of Australia sure didn't appreciate it

      3. There should be monuments of him on every street there :D

        Oh God I'd appreciate him so much :D

    11. Thanks for the link Margaret! Sorry took me a while to get here… still reeling from the photoshoot yesterday featuring my leading man crush and his leading lady :P I was too busy swooning all afternoon… surprised I managed to get anything done today!

      Ooooh I love Hugh in Someone Like You, soooo yummy!

      Michael Shannon in Deadpool 2 would be so awesome and yes Hugh needs to be in it too!!

      1. Yeah I get nothing done these days:D

        The promo tour featuring Shannon, Hugh and Reynolds would be a laugh riot. I really hope it happens and they all star in this movies together

    12. Thanks for the link, Sati! I always enjoy these epic fangirl fits that you go on, good stuff, lol. And now I'm properly up to date on a number of Hugh Jackman movies I need to either get around to or revisit. :P

      1. You're welcome, that was an amazing review! The Prestige would be my number 1 choice. It's such a spectacular movie, just saw it after I posted this pervfest on Friday

      2. It really is. I actually rewatched that myself not too long ago, and it's still incredible. I'm honestly interested in checking out Eddie the Eagle after hearing your thoughts on it. I passed on it initially, as it looked sorta disposable, and I didn't really hear anything about it one way or the other, but it's interesting hearing high praise for it, so I think I'll keep a look out for it. :)

      3. Eddie the Eagle is so sweet! I really think everyone would enjoy it, great story, great acting and a very entertaining movie

    13. Boo Kangaroo - I love it! Have you seen The Fountain? It's such a fucked up movie but would be brilliant to live tweet, not that I'm sure I should be encouraging you!
      Also, I spent far too long literally sat on the floor amongst moving boxes watching Jonathan Ross, Taron Egerton, Hugh Jackman and Luke Evans singing's a work of art!

      1. I did! Loved it and need to rewatch it soon!

        This entire interview was golden especially when Hugh was so embarrassed when they showed him working out. He puts it on instagram and then gets embarrassed! The nerve! :D

    14. Thanks for the link! Hugh is such a babe in Someone Like You. I love that guy. And I want Alien: Covenant to be good sooo badly!

      1. You're welcome! Yes, yes he is, it's cool that you saw that movie it seems about 100x less ambitious than stuff that you usually watch :)

        I want it to but I have little faith :/

    15. I fully support your Hugh Jackman obsession. I've had obessessions with him on/off over the years. My favorite "Hugh looks hot" film is/will always be 'The Prestige.'

      1. Oh God he looks incredible in that one:) He is wearying similar clothes is upcoming Greatest Showman