Saturday, June 3, 2017

(290) So this is what Marvel feels like + links

By sati (harlequinade) Saturday, June 3, 2017
  • (6 comments on last one, what the fuck is going on here? I write this smut down for y'all)
  • As early as Monday this week Hugh apparently decided his fangirls are in too much control of their mental capabilities (which if you read at least one of my posts you KNOW to be a wrong assumption to make) and he posted the above.
  • Sweet Jesus one of those days he will tweet something, I will see it and I will just stop living.
  • I'm legitimately jealous of his dogs. Is that normal?
  • I mean I'd gladly and instantly trade my shitty life for THIS. can I make this happen?  Who do I talk to about this? I mean other than a psychiatrist #helmpe
  • Also since this was on Monday my focus was pretty much gone all. week. long.
  • Also to be fair Gustav does to me what Dali is doing to Hugh when I come home from work and fall on the bed exhausted. But he is only doing that so I get up and give him a treat from the bag. I'm 100% sure Dali is licking Hugh there because HE CAN DO THAT AND WHY WOULD HE EVER DO ANYTHING ELSE
  • Also I found this. It's comforting that even rich celebrities and people who have their lives figured out cannot handle their small pets attacking much bigger ones.
  • Then Tuesday happened. Oh God.
  • He is so irresponsible. This is worse than the ice cream tweet.
  • Then for 48h he didn't tweet anything and fans were starting to become...unhinged. Let me be clear - that's not my tweet. 
  • I just thought that but I didn't tweet it.
  • He actually still hasn't tweeted anything new. The world is a darker place when he doesn't tweet.
  • However there is new commercial with him.
  • (I'm not humping the chair I'm sitting on)
  • (I'm not)
  • Hugh apparently wants to do a serious Broadway show. I think he should do something original. Like the tale of interesting, not unattractive, funny young woman who has great taste in men and a ferocious Yorkie sidekick. And one day a beautiful Australian actor rides on a white horse into her shitty office and they bang for eternity. I think that would be a fantastic play. And I already know who can play a female lead there.
  • So yesterday someone on tumblr wrote 'hugh jackman's thighs'. That's it. That's tumblr for ya. So I went like 'oohh' and googled that (I had a long, tiring week). And somehow I found a news post about him on the beach and then also this showed up in google search and when you see a headline like this you must click it.
  • I'm rarely speechless but I was speechless when I read this story. I mean good God I would never so much as ask a celebrity I love for an autograph not to bother them. 
  • I do all of my pervy fangirling through words - you gotta know how to take all of that and use it as a force to tweet funny stuff and watch dogshit movies like Pan. Throwing razors with pubes...that's so...unladylike, you guys.
  • Sometimes I browse his tag on instagram and I just don't know...if I will ever...come back to Earth again --->
  • Are these available in life-size and for sale? I'm asking for a friend.
  • (I haven't fooled a single person with that, have I?)
  • So I gifed yet another adorable moment between Hugh and Dafne on the set of Logan and do pay close attention to his hair because it's different than in the film:
  • Jesus that would have been even hotter. Whoever changed it - I owe you my life. That would have tipped me over from barely alive to completely dead levels.
  • So on Friday I rewatched Scoop. I didn't livetweet it entirely but I still managed to dirty up all of your twitter dashboards with this:
  • I'm definitely getting worse. 
  • The following day the deranged love fest continued and I watched Days of Future Past....again - and Someone like you - but this one was not that bad because it's only second rewatch and also I was too tired and mesmerized to livetwet this too.
  • DofP livetweet went exactly how you think it went. I think this the third one of this movie I'm sharing,..fuck it, let's do this thing:
  • Monday chain of events (before that tweet at the beginning went out and my brain painted the walls): 
  • 1. I opened twitter on my phone and I read there is a movie called Logan Lucky 
  • 2. I immediately - against all reason - had VIVID thoughts about what this could mean:
  • (there is a typo there because I was super excited when I was tweeting this)
  • 3. I read that it's new Soderbergh movie with Daniel Craig. 
  • 4. I am sad. 
  • This week in gifing adventures:
  • and in talking smack and implying misogynistic pigs out to get Wonder Woman have tiny dicks::
  • I mean really no man could have followed THAT and make any sort of impact. I'm fairly certain I climaxed through my eyes when Jackman broke that fucking shotgun in half.
  • And clearly I have not...recovered...from that...yet.
  • No, but seriously, a bear could run into that cinema, kill the guy I was with and I wouldn't have found out that it happened until after I tripped over his bloody carcass while leaving the cinema all sweaty, breathless and still moaning.
  • Mille Bobby Brown auditioned for the part of Laura in Logan. There is no way she could top what Dafne did. But it adds to how Hugh reacted when Mille won during MTV Movie Awards - he was super happy for her and now it turns out that they met before and acted out van argument scene together. Also - Jesus Christ, just how many times did he act out this scene with various teenage girls hitting him in his arm?
  • This right here is why we need to DofP Logan. People are clearly going insane with grief. 
  •  So during the weekend I decided to watch something without Hugh in it because it's almost June and I've seen 9 movies from this year. I was doing so well in the spring and then Logan got released and it all got shot to shit because 1. I've seen it 4 times. So 33% of 2017 movies I saw is Logan. 2. It's just futile - why watch anything else if it's not gonna top it. Case and point - Alien: Covenant. Shit. 
  • And now Cure for Wellness. While the film was very atmospheric and had great cinematography I absolutely cannot believe this thing cost something like 40 million and they couldn't spend more time on the script. It's such a shame because the hardest thing to do in horror should be scaring the audience and this one - to my recollection it didn't have any jump scares which was amazing - was actually quite chilling. But who cares if the story was so thin. They recycled a lot of other horror films but the visual side and the combination of those bizarre plot elements was enough to forgive it but the rest of it....I think we can all agree I'm not particularly bright and even I guessed what the twist was. Also - worst deer CGI and worst tits on a young nurse ever,
  • The Rock is not taking the failure of Baywatch well:
  • Cannes closing ceremony was so funny. It's so short that I actually watched it. Joaquin Phoenix reaction when he won was priceless.
  • Jessica Chastain once again is mouthing off without actually saying anything. She made a statement equal to "oh my god! the sky is blue! I am do disturbed!" . She didn't name any examples. What, is she afraid those indie filmamkers there won't hire her? When will people learn you've gotta stop covering your ass and name names? She couldn't even name a film that was allegedly misogynistic and she is a hero to the cause? People are like "But this needs to be said! Just that she said it, is amazing!". Are you kidding me? Coppola won and every outlet reporting it was adding how she is only the second female director to win. Everyone has been notified that women have it bad. What Chastain did was latching herself to the narrative.(also why is Chastain who by her admission doesn't remember when is the last time she saw so many films a part of the jury at all?). There is nothing more infuriating than seeing people being praised for doing nothing at all. And her doing that on the heels of two women winning was just fucking rude.
  • The trailer for Murder on the Orient Express dropped and it sucks. That song didn't fit it at all. 
  • The real story here is Jon Hamm is single now? I had no idea. Not that there is anything I can do with this information. 
  • Robert Pattinson says he is a bit of a sell out for doing Twilight films. Yes, he is a 'bit' of a sell out like I'm a 'bit' horny.
  • Chris Pine probably pissed off a lot of Marvel fans with this remark. 
  • Neil Blomkamp is doing some sort sci-fi thing and the trailer for it is better than the entirety of Alien:Covenant.
  • I said it on twitter I will say it here too - he defecated in a rental car, for the love of God, woman
  • I mean it is especially sad seeing how Robin is currently kicking male ass both in Wonder Woman and in House of Cards.
  • and finally for the biggest story this week ---->
  • Wonder Woman is at 93% right now with over 200 reviews and it's worth noting that most of the rotten ones are pure garbage.
  • People in nerd community which obviously I am a part of are paraphrasing Logan in regards to this which is amazing = "So this is what it fells like". I came up with "People who make good movies. A hit". And it was followed up with "You should take a moment. Feel it".
  • It's really incredible. I am not that into Mavel but I love DC characters and finally, 4th film is the charm. I still think Justice League will not be good but at least we have one good movie now.
  • I saw the movie today and you can read my initial thoughts here. I will certainly review it but I took work home with me for the weekend...I will try to have it up next week. In short - do see it. It's no Logan, but it's a great movie.
  • And here's a story to bring you good laugh for the start of the weekend - so I'm walking home, thinking about the movie, walking in my cute red shoes, my lacy dress and I pass the bus stop where some dude is literally sitting there and puking and holding his nose and letting the snot fall on the sidewalk. That shows the female grace vs male brutality far better than Amazons vs Soldiers in that movie.
  • This is the kind of men I encounter in my life. If you like me at least a little bit, please pitch Hugh Jackman that Broadway play idea from the beginning of this post.
  • Brittani reviews Alien: Trashfire
  • MettelRay reviews Kong: Skull Island
  • This entire week I have been waiting for m.brown to review Eddie the Eagle and include some thoughtful and awesome references to me and it still hasn't happened. But in the meantime here is his review of Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul, whatever the fuck it is.
  • Steven and Sofia share their Movie Alphabets
  • Allie reviews Colossal
  • Ruth and Jay review Wonder Woman



    1. Thanks for the link-love. I always post comments for you.

      Dwayne is pissed off because he didn't get any pie.

      All of those guys whining about the women-only screening for Wonder Woman are just crying pussies with sand in their vaginas.

      I really think Hugh had the best performance in X-Mens: Day of Future Past. I loved the monologue he gave to young Xavier about the mission and what he went through. I think he's overdue for an Oscar.

      1. I'd say for me DofP is probably 5th or 6th- after Logan, The Prestige, The Fountain, Les Mis and Kate & Leopold. The MvP of DoFP was I think McAvoy but Hugh was fantastic as well

    2. I'm not sure what I lol'd more at, your idea for a Broadway show or how you renamed my review. Lol

      That's funny that Millie auditioned for Logan because a few times during the movie Daphne reminded me of her.

      I'm so glad Wonder Woman is good. I'm excited to see it this weekend. Even if poor Chris Pine has never heard of an Infinity Stone.

      Maybe the WW director should take on JL2.

      1. To be fair I saw all of MCU movies and I still neither know or care what is up with those stones and blue James Brolin...but I'm sure the film at least will be fun

        Ha if there even is JL2. I hope they focus on Sirens and WW2 first

    3. Asking for a friend? Ha, good one!!!

      Glad to hear Wonder Woman is tracking so well with critics. I'll be going to see it this weekend. And yeah, dudes bitching about all-woman screenings of it are clueless.

      Great post.

      1. I hope you'll like the film! There's so much to enjoy there but the critics are going a bit overboard with the praise, though it's not the worst thing because it's such an important movie

    4. Another sterling Friday post Sati. I look forward to these every week. And your blog is seriously one of my favourites.

    5. I think when I would meet Hugh I'd just stand there, with my mouth open, unable to breathe to a point where I just pass out. Also a good way to maybe have Hugh come to my rescue but I think I've already discussed this scenario somewhere under these RF posts. Clearly I'm still thinking about this scenario.

      It's actually a shame so many movies fail to deliver a good script these days. So many movies, I find, are lacking the sophistication on the script level and there's just so much rushed blockbuster stuff out there. Which is why I'm excited to see Wonder Woman because I heard it actually has a decent plot and well, I knew it was going to be visually stunning and beautiful anyway, so I'm glad the script backs it up. Plus, I have a tiny thing for Chris Pine.. even though he is not really keen about Marvel it seems.. and I love Marvel. I'll forgive him. Going to see Wonder Woman on Wednesday, and I can't wait!!

      That Oats stuff looks interesting, but for some reason I thought of The 5th Wave and that was awful, just... pure awfulness.

      Thank you for the link!

      1. I think he would definitely rescue anyone who would pass out near him. He is so sweet *passes out and dies because he is on another continent and there is no one here to rescue me*

        If you have a tiny thing for Pine you're gonna be breathless during Wonder Woman. I almost were into him and he is the exact opposite of my type but his character is just so wonderful.

    6. Thanks for the link 😙 JON HAMM IS SINGLE?! That's all I need to move to america.

      No actually, my love for him kinda died in the past few years... idk, something about him seems off. Like... he's empty inside. Feels like he's been putting on an act or something? Am I crazy??? Idk.

      ooooh I'm watching Wonder Woman tomorrow, can't wait !

      1. You're welcome! He always plays assholes and he does it too well so I'm n not actually interested in the least (I'm sure he would be devastated over it), just wanted to share this little piece of gossip :P

    7. Even though it was a sure tease for you, I can't fucking wait to see Logan Lucky. Looks like Ocean's Eleven but in my neck of the woods aka the redneck NASCAR scene. James Bond and Adam Driver with Southern accents. Has to be great!

      1. It does look kinda fun, well not as fun as my idea, but I'll probably see it :)

    8. Thanks so much for the link Margaret! Glad you have seen it too, looking forward to reading your review.

      Your extreme fan-girling over Hugh is really nuts… in a good way :P I read that about Mille Bobby Brown auditioning for Dafne's role but I doubt she could top her. She's SO good!

      I'm also looking forward to The Beguiled later this month!

      1. Beguiled opens here in really sucks, Farrell knocked up one of actresses I was hoping at least that will ensure the June release date

    9. I'm jealous of Hugh's dogs too. I'm not so fan-girling though, but I think it's great being so passionate about something. Ooops, I meant someone

      1. Yeah one needs joy when one is overworked and doesn't really have energy to go out...other than walk one's dog :)

    10. haven't heard of the Diary of a Wimpy Kid Series??? F--k you're lucky.

      "Hugh apparently wants to do a serious Broadway show. I think he should do something original. Like the tale of interesting, not unattractive, funny young woman who has great taste in men and a ferocious Yorkie sidekick. And one day a beautiful Australian actor rides on a white horse into her shitty office and they bang for eternity. I think that would be a fantastic play. And I already know who can play a female lead there." I'll start drafting the script shortly. I'm assuming, for this role, you'll work nude?

      While this was a terrific RF, it might be possible this is the funniest thing you have ever written: "No, but seriously, a bear could run into that cinema, kill the guy I was with and I wouldn't have found out that it happened until after I tripped over his bloody carcass while leaving the cinema all sweaty, breathless and still moaning." I like to think that either the bear works with incredible stealth, or that the sounds coming out of the women in the crowd weren't unlike a bear mauling a man to death. Either way, I'm near tears.

      Hey, I'm working on Eddie the Eagle. But my boner for Wonder Woman got in the way.

      1. I never heard of it, what the fuck is that? I'm gonna read your review soon and find out.

        I'd work nude for any role with this man. Script? That will be improvised. The only script are my thoughts.

        Third option - my senses were all kinds of messed up during this movie. I swear to God when I was rewatching it at home I felt I'm seeing some of it for the first time. I think I blacked out for few seconds several times just from the sheer power of boo. But mostly even if I heard someone getting mauled there was no way I was taking my eyes off screen

        I sure hope you liked it. And that the wife didn't say anything blasphemous this time.