Friday, July 7, 2017

(295) Prepare for the worst + links

By Sati. Friday, July 7, 2017

  • OF COURSE I made that above gifset. It was the highlight of that movie.
  • Look at that stare! My panties flew across the room.
  • As you all know already from my vigorous tear down of the film I've yet again suffered through Prisoners in the name of perving:
  • Man, I cannot wait to find out what horrible Hugh Jackman movie I'll rewatch this weekend thanks to my awful life choices, horrendous decision making process, terrible time management and *seriously* disturbing case of sausage fever.
  • Also startling discovery - if I remember correctly and of course I do because I'd sooner forget my own address than details of Hugh's movies - it seems to me that Hugh has only done two sex scenes in his career. Deception and Australia. I  mean there is a blow job scene in Swordfish (I love that scene) and the foreplay scene in The Last Stand where he is getting cock-blocked by his own decency (are you kidding me, Logan?!) but my God, it's two. You can't see anything in Deception so that leaves one in a terrible movie. Hollywood, you are such a fucking disappointment to me. I need Jason Reitman to include at least THREE sex scenes in that next movie he is doing with him. We need to remedy this horrific situation. I HAVE NEVER SEEN A WASTE LIKE THIS.
  • Getter dragged my twitter discussion about this into absolute gutter hole. For shame, you.
  • So now we have 'hole' inside joke. Familiarize yourselves, boo boos.
  • The man is the biggest tease ever. He'll moan in Eddie the Eagle, show his ass in Someone Like You, carry Meg Ryan to bed in Kate & Leopold and grunt sexily through his 9 appearances as the Wolverine (my biggest regret in life is not becoming a prosecutor. I'd charge his ass for that. I seriously would. This is reckless endangerment. I mean it. There are montages of that on youtube. Trust me you will not make it through a minute of that) but no sex scenes? I am horrified here. This is just cruel. I mean his kids were like "dad, that's gross" after he showed his ass in Days of Future Past but this level of waste of you know, cinematic potential here is just incomprehensible. I simply cannot understand how this happened. Like how, for the last 20 years, the executives didn't just look him up and down and say you're gonna do porn but we'll add a bit of story there so that's actually released in cinemas.
  • Is it rant time? I'm all worked up, yes, yes it is.
  • I saw an 'article' yesterday that I won't link because fuck them, I ain't giving them clicks that was basically saying Hugh is terrible because Michelle Williams is 12 years younger than him and playing his love interest in The Greatest Showman (six months till this movie is even released and backlash is already happening all over the place). This is just...well, first of all it's just in poor taste to accuse him of deliberately not choosing younger female co-stars given how plenty of times his leading ladies were his age or even older than him and how the man is married to a woman much older than him whom he worships (meanwhile, I'm spending my Friday night doing...well, this). 
  • But also - Hugh looks younger than he is and Williams, lately, looks her age. I'll tell you what this is - all those women writing those articles? It's like they are oblivious to one of the many things that makes being a woman the worst thing in the world. Men look better in their 40s than in their 20s. Women? The opposite. They cast actors in part based on audience finding them desirable. This isn't sexism, this is just cruel nature. You know what is sexist? That in DCEU films Diane Lane, who plays Superman's mom is walking around with grey hair and no make up which I refuse to believe is her choice. That's just preventing actress from being hot for no reason at all.
  • Also my God. How old did Hugh look in Logan? 60 years old? He is 48 now so at least 10 years older, right? And you know what is the only unbelievable thing about Logan? That just one girl and not THE ENTIRE BRIDAL PARTY flashed him in that limo.
  • I'm 27 and when I was watching him in the movie for the first time I was literally so distracted imagining what I'd do to him that when I was watching it the second time I was like 'ooh, I don't remember that moment'. Of course I didn't since when it was happening during the first viewing I was picturing him banging me on the hood of that limo.
  • But anyways...
  • On Monday for the very first time ever I saw Night at the Museum 3, without actually seeing the previous movies. I had no idea what was happening in that movie but Dan Stevens was really terrific in his role and that Hugh cameo was adorable:
  • Also I was so frightened for that cute CGI monkey that kept peeing everywhere.
  • My love for boo boo really leads me towards all of this ambitious, risque cinema, doesn't it. 
  • My tweets have gone deeply philosophical:
  • He is still in Europe being adorable and wearying his tourist hat.
  • Actually there was a rumor that he is apparently in London now because someone met him yesterday and this happened.
  • But today he is in Italy again?
  • So is Hugh in Italy not knowing where the camera is while taking selfies or in London passing by people asking him what's cracking Wolverine?
  • Is there Hugh look-a-like in London? Are the pictures from Italy simply from before he left?
  • There are multiple possibilities here but I'll go with the best one. 
  • He has been cloned and it's the end of the world.
  • Also - PICK A GODDAMN PLACE AND STAY THERE, SIR.
  • Like if I were living in a better country I'd be scared to go outside out of fear I'll run into him and catch on fire.
  • I saw this and legit almost fell off my chair. I'm not even looking at Jake there I'm just referring to boo boo. How can a man be this handsome? I looked at that picture for 15 minutes now.
  • This is adorable but lets focus on what is important and get Jackman to do filthy, shirtless cameo in Deadpool 2. I have faith in you, Ryan. Seriously at this point Deadpool 2 can be the greatest movie ever but if Jackman is not in it I'm giving it 1/10, I swear to God.
  • You guys, if Andrew Garfield calls himself "gay without the physical act" can I call myself "Hugh Jackman's lover without the physical act"? Like put it in my twitter bio and everything?
  • I cannot stand this woman. And in a second I will tell you why Anthony Bourdain is 100% right.
  • One - I can't believe they are still together. Two - I can't believe this adolescent boy is playing Lara Croft.
  • Next thing we know RDJ is having drinks with boo boo deciding which fucking tree to get impaled on. 
  • Fuck that tree, man.
  • In the least surprising news ever Lena Dunham remains one of the worst people who are sadly still alive. Cheers for that dog who bit her in the ass.
  • OK here's the thing - me writing about Kim's ass being too big and Kanye going 'what is this shit' few weeks back is one thing. But even this website has standards so I will not cover the incredible trash fire that are those Blac Chyna and Rob Kardashian feud news. Reading about this makes you pray for the Apocalypse to happen soon.
  • Speaking of the Apocalypse, oh Christ, the things I'll watch for Ed Harris.
  • New footage from Kingsman 2. Still not great.
  • Over the weekend I rewatched Borat and Bruno. I still cannot believe Borat was ever made let alone went as far as getting original screenplay nomination at the Oscars. It's so freaking funny. Also those douche frat boys apparently sued the filmmakers and lost.
  • Bruno is not as funny but it's still hysterical. I was AMAZED by that scene near the end with him and his assistant making out in front of that redneck wrestling crowd. They were throwing chairs at them. It was insanely dangerous. You may not like Cohen's humour but mad respect, that guy has some serious bravery to do this.
  • So Trump was in my country yesterday and actually looked like a dignified statesman comparing to the members of the ruling party here. Think of that for a moment.
  • I talked of my country here before but the thing is that yes, the ruling party bused in supporters for Trump. But this is not odd - it happens here all the time. The ruling party always does this. I'm not sure if anyone here is familiar with who Lech Walesa is, but he is essentially the most important person to whom we owe the fact we had democracy here for the last 27 years (we don't really have one now, with all the legislation the ruling party pushed while EU stands by doing nothing). When Trump thanked him for coming yesterday that bused in crowed booed him. The ergo facto leader of the ruling party here hates Walesa because he did nothing while the other did so much. Even Trump looked shocked at that reaction. The guy like Trump was stunned at this reaction that people here could have booed someone like this. If that doesn't tell you everything you need to know about what a terrible place I live in, I don't know what will. 
  • Also I do follow all those big American media outlets on twitter and they say the ruling party here is 'right-tilting'. That is just...saddening. That people outside of here neither know or care. This isn't just extremely conservative party, the Catholic Church here has incredible influence. This is basically right wing fueled by religion regime. We already have some of the strictest abortion laws in Europe and now they are pushing for a law that would force a woman to give birth to a child out of rape or sick or the one threatening her life. And even if you are pregnant by choice the mentality here is that a woman is supposed to suffer during child birth. I just read this article today about a woman who had actual note from the doctor to do cesarean but was forced to give birth the natural way and suffered for days. The one and only silver lining of me not getting laid is literally that if I did and got pregnant I'd probably die in labor. 
  • This got dark fast. Like write letters to a certain Australian to 'adopt' me dark. But seriously. DO.
  • The only person I was proud of was our First Lady. I don't think she did it out of spite but it looked hilarious. Also we all really liked Melania. She was very gracious and the journalists here are going crazy over how pretty she looked.
  • Thank God Prince George is visiting soon, he is actually even visiting my city. We are all super excited about this but seriously if Kate is supposed to walk the old town in my city I recommend flats. I broke so many heels on that motherfucker.
  • But back to movies. I cannot believe you guys made me watch Baby Driver.
  • Like, I promise I was not set on hating it. I only see films in cinema on Fridays, after 40h work week. Granted, it's holidays so people sue each other less therefore my main activity at work this week was online shopping and searching for Hugh at instagram, but still. I couldn't stay home and sleep I had to be there so still tiring - I am so thankful to m.brown for all the reviews this week I could read on my phone and kill time. I actually traveled across town to the cinema for early showing and was excited, seeing how everyone loved it so much. And Jon Hamm was in that and you know, I would. 
  • But my God. That was fucking awful.
  • I knew I was in trouble early on when Ansel Elgort was hopping on the street cheerfully and I was reminded of La La Land (which is mediocre at best). But when he started mouthing the lyrics to the songs that were playing like an asshole then I knew this will not go well. I had no idea it will be so terrible though. 
  • Nothing worked here for me. Not the romance, not even the villain - who had the legitimate reason to go after Baby, that lyrics-mouthing, tape-mixing (so dumb I begged Spacey in my head to shoot him in the face), I'm-gonna-involve-this-girl-with-shady-shit-because-she-awfully-sang-at-me asshole.
  • Was there a plot? It was like several different robberies tied together by Spacey's character and I still don't know who the hell he was supposed to be.
  • I also didn't know who was the black dude Baby was taking care of, yes he was a foster dad, but how it came to be? It might have been explained but I was probably imagining being buried alive at the moment just to think of something more enjoyable than watching this movie, and I missed it.
  • God bless Kevin Spacey, the only person there who was at least believable as a human being.
  • Every time these fucking people sang I prayed for the sweet mercy of death. I cringed so hard when he was making mix tapes I almost broke my neck. I longed for the Punisher to come back and kill them all. 
  • After the film was finally over I was in such hurry to trash it on twitter on my phone I actually walked the wrong way and instead of the exit I found myself in the bathroom staring at myself in a mirror and asking "WHY?". 
  • I wanted to tape Lilly James's mouth shut. I wanted to tie up Jon Hamm to dry-shampoo his hair. The only thing hot left of Hamm was his voice. At times I actually closed my eyes and I imagined him murdering me just so I didn't have to watch that movie anymore. 
  • The film was so tiresome, so infuriating with the whole 'it's so cool' thing it wanted to project - without any laughs, memorable lines, or anything remotely original in the story - that when it actually did something surprising and killed off the single most annoying character in recent memory I had hope that maybe it will get better. 
  • I actually let out a 'yey' in this moment. Sitting there, pussy deep in boredom, mad-eyed and baffled at the praise for this thing. But it wasn't even an enthusiastic 'yey'. I imagine it was a sort of a 'yey' a dude lets out after someone cut off his shaft with rusty knife and grabs a torch to flame his balls and it turns out the torch is not working.
  • Yey.
  • And it did  get better for about 15 minutes before it began its loooooong ending. I don't think I got it, because if I did then how can Wright be talking sequels? Seeing how there is no way I'll ever sit through one of his movies again I really don't care. It would literally take Jackman to show up in oe of his movies, with his dick out, in IMAX 3D, to give Wright another chance.
  • I thought Scott Pilgrim was bad but after Baby Driver I'd gladly make Michael Cera's face my screensaver. Like if they held a gun to my head and yelled "WATCH SCOTT PILGRIM OR BABY DRIVER OR YOU DIE" I'd say fuck it, shoot me. If they held a gun to Hugh Jackman's head I'd go with Scott Pilgrim, though. 
  • I just hope I never ever have to again.
  • Brittani, Alex, Steven and Kevin review The Beguiled.
  • m.brown reviews Baby Driver which he liked. I don't have the strength to re-read this one in amazement now (after I saw the movie).
  • Dell celebrates the American flag in movies for 4th of July
  • Allie lists best movies of the year so far and shamefully forgets to include Logan.

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    31 comments:

    1. Thanks for the link-love.

      I like anything you do involving Hugh Jackman.

      I like Ed Harris too but... I am not watching that movie he's doing with Gerard Buttwad.

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      1. To be fair Geostorm looks like it's so stupid it's funny movie so it could be worse :)

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    2. Yay you linked the Lena article! Lol. I thought of you the minute I saw the headline.

      Yes, you can put the "without the physical act" part in your twitter.

      Thanks for the link!

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      1. Honestly she is the worst.

        I'm seriously contemplating doing that :D

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    3. About the "Michelle Williams is 12 years younger than him and playing his love interest in The Greatest Showman" part, I actually asked myself what age had his wife in real life (not Hugh, P. T. Barnum). Not that I care for the difference, I was just curious about it. They marry at 19 so... OK.

      But he had a second wife, and I found this : "Following the death of his first wife, P. T. Barnum married Nancy Fish in 1874. His new wife, 40 years his junior, was born in 1850 in England". Alright !

      I'm annoyed by all the ages thing, because I found so many couples (and a number of solid one) throughout history who have a very big gap in ages. So, yes, Hollywood loves that, but that's not uncommun today and certainly not at Barnum time and before !

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      1. I get that the idea is that so that older actresses get jobs but while having this intention they also do so much bad here like totally stigmatizing the idea of an older man and a younger women being in a relationship. They should write about Tom Cruise's flicks where his co-stars are notoriously 20 years younger than him, not someone like Hugh

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    4. Hey sati! Long time no see :)

      Amen about Baby Driver. What drek. I already wasn't liking it thanks to the shitty soundtrack, but goddamn I got so bored I fell asleep, which never bloody happens!!

      You what it seemed like to me in the 30-40 mins I got to see? A mainstream, Americanised version of Drive. Having that thought in my head made baby Driver seem even more dumb.

      Spacey was good though I agree

      Great post as always, its been ages since I read one of your rants. Sorry to hear that its that bad where you are =/

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      1. Hey! :)

        Oh my God! You are literally the only person besides me who hated that trash. Everyone seems to be praising it like crazy and yes it was basically just a Drive rip-off with 10 layers of stupid quirk

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      2. I'll admit, I went to see it again while not fucked up on weed butter :P

        And it certainly is not this incredible movie, FAR FAR from it, for most of the reasons you mentioned - no originality, where was the story, shoehorned in romance..... BUT, I did like the soundtrack on the second run through, especially the way it was syncronised occasionally with the action. A much, much better eclectic collection of tracks - makes the Suicide Squad OST look even worse than it already is.

        I'm all about giving flicks a second chance, I probs told you that you got me to see Logan again and I loved loved it. Though perhaps another watch of this one will make your brain explode!!

        But yeah, great soundtrack, some good action, but.... yeah, I'll take Drive ANY DAY over this shit. I do like Edgar Wright though - you can't deny that this was a very well made film.

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      3. The music was fine but really, it's all additional stuff. And it was hard to enjoy the music when that asshole was mouthing the lyrics.

        I ain't ever seeing Baby Driver again unless to hate-livetweet that :P

        It was well directed. But the script was fucking terrible

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      4. The script was fucking awful, no arguments there!!

        I kinda liked the guy's goofiness a bit cos I'm a lot like him, always wearing headphones (I also have tinnitus - NOT FUN), always air-drumming and air-guitaring and what-not. Love to make my music too so I kinda liked that part where he made the song.

        But agreed, the music was very much secondary, additional stuff. This has some great action scenes with a bunch of overly sentimental horseshit that could not have been scripted any worse. Its like they shoehorned in a romcom into a fucking hiest flick. =/

        btw, random question I know, but do you use facebook? I don't use twitter very often and it'd be cool to chat with you more often. Cos you crack me the fuck up!!! :))

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      5. YES! hate-livetweet it!! DO IIIIITTTTT!!!!! :P

        I gotta get on twitter more often so I can read your posts cos the screen caps you posts just crack me up without fail.

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      6. I don't use facebook. Well, I have an account to have RL colleagues and friends there in case I need to contact someone but I'm always on twitter. If someone writes to me on facebook it usually takes me about a week to remember to write back

        I don't think there is enough booze in the world for me to livetweet that trainwreck of a movie :P

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    5. And the Jackman love continues excellently. Always fun to read.

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    6. You can delete my other comment. My stupid phone got the best of me. I was going to say how much of a blast the discussion about holes was.

      I do know who Lech Walesa is and I'm also shocked by that. The whole damn world has gone mad.

      Sorry you didn't like Baby Driver. Haven't seen it yet myself, but still planning on it.

      Thanks for the link!

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      1. Haha I am just glad people werent too pissed off to wake up to 1000 notifications :D

        Yeah what is happening here, in US and UK is really shocking. I cant believe the people elected thosr politicians

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    7. Okay, "I mean there is a blow job scene in Swordfish (I love that scene)..." is the best sentence I'm going to read today. Made me laugh out loud. Thanks for the link!

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      1. Well I DO love that scene :D You're welcome!

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    8. I am gathering that you are a huge Hugh Jackman fan :)

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    9. It's finally raining in the UK, so I can only assume Hugh is on his way back home!
      Okay, I really need to watch Night at the Museum 3 soon...that gifset is bloody hilarious! It would help if I could remember what happened in the first 2...

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      1. He was in Italy so yeah UK was spared :) I never saw the first two and while I was lost it was still quite fun ;)

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    10. I'll say this, while I may have liked the movie myself, you shitting on Baby Driver does make me feel less bad about recently shitting on the similarly universally lauded Spider-Man: Homecoming, haha! XD

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      1. I am not surprised. Marvel really is like a broken record, all of their films are the same

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    11. Baby Driver.

      I can't even fathom how much you hated this movie, but at least I got this out of it:

      'After the film was finally over I was in such hurry to trash it on twitter on my phone I actually walked the wrong way and instead of the exit I found myself in the bathroom staring at myself in a mirror and asking "WHY?".'

      It's like that moment in a film where the female protagonist then cuts all her hair off and then methodically murders all those that have wronged her. Awesome.

      "Seeing how there is no way I'll ever sit through one of his movies again I really don't care. It would literally take Jackman to show up in one of his movies, with his dick out, in IMAX 3D, to give Wright another chance."

      What's weird, is this is likely the only case I won't be there for the next film Wright does. I mean, IMAX 3D tickets are expensive enough, but the real damage would be seeing HJ's mammoth wiener on a sixty foot screen. I'm assuming that it would kill me, if not everyone in the theater that night.

      Thanks for the link! Hopefully your hole has been filled in...

      (in your house, my goodness)

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      1. Are u sure it is awesome? Cause in this scenario you are the one getting murdered.

        Neither holes were filled this week. I am living in a nightmare.

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      2. Hahahahaha....I'm due to be murdered any day now. I'm glad you're the one doing it.

        Uh, as for that part? I, uh...uh....gotta go. My oatmeal's ready. *runs*

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      3. I sense oatmeal prejudice here.

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    12. That hole conversation will remain my favourite for a while I think, it was just so weird and completely alright. Clearly I've read a lot of RF and your tweets, I'm in the hole, I am the hole.. the hole is me.

      Anyway, I don't remember much of Prisoners like I already said and I don't really want to see it again even for Hugh.. he just happens to stumble into very long and dull movies (LesMis)here and there. Seen them once, that's enough for me, sorry.

      It's a shame you didn't like Baby Driver. I thought it was a fun and exciting cinematic experience. I should be able to write down my thoughts soon.

      PS: Swordfish was good, right?!

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      1. Now we had lions...for a moment P

        Swordfish is such a mess but it's so entertaining :P

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