Against the Crowd Blogathon 2017

The last time I participated in Dell's  and KG's Against the Crowd blogathon was 2015 and what do you know, another Edgar Wright movie was my choice back then. The next time he makes a movie I am not seeing it. And if any of you tells me to, I'll punch you in the face.

WARNING: if you like Baby Driver, Arrival, Amy Adams, Michelle Williams and quality film criticism and are offended by violent sexual imagery, inappropriate jokes and insane ramblings - don't proceed further.

Here are the rules for this super fun blogathon:

1. Pick one movie that "everyone" loves (the more iconic, the better). That movie must have a score of 75% or more on rottentomatoes.com. Tell us why you hate it.
2. Pick one movie that "everyone" hates (the more notorious, the better). That movie must have a score of 35% or less on rottentomatoes.com. Tell us why you love it.
3. Include the tomato meter scores of both movies.
4. Use one of the banners in this post, or feel free to create your own.

This was tremendously easy because it's August and yet I don't think I'm gonna see anything worse this year than this piece of shit:

Let me tell you a bit about my movie going ways. I usually go on Fridays, after work. So that's after 40h of sitting in my office and either working or pretending to be working, both exhausting. For Baby Driver I actually had to travel 20 minutes through the city to the cinema which had the earliest screening. The movie tickets are not cheap. I think for the price of 4 I could buy a new dress. Why is this important?

Because I now know I am definitely not a masochist or at least I would not pay for someone to painfully fuck me over. I mean I would like for Hugh Jackman to spank me for sure but having traveled for 20 minutes, paying money and sitting through 2h of Baby Driver made me realize that suffering does not bring me pleasure.

Because I suffered. So very badly. Through this piece of shit y'all are gonna spend at least some time in Hell for recommending to me. The only thing more astonishing than how awful and cringeworthy this trash is, is the high score on Rotten Tomatoes. Were those critics drugged during the screening? Did Jon Hamm pole-dance with Hammaconda out? Were they tortured by being forced to watch Ansel Elgort (is this his name? I am not even gonna check the spelling, fuck that. Also can Hollywood stop pushing those bland looking, uncharismatic young dudes on us? Please and thank you.) mouth the lyrics to the songs inaudibly until they physically couldn't look at him anymore? How did that happen?

This is the worst piece of overrated trash since Arrival. Except Arrival actually could be a good movie if they had a living person plying the lead instead of Adams who I am convinced died some years ago and they just revive her corpse before each take to get her to emote minimally. There is no way Baby Driver could be a good movie. They could have Jackman as the dude and Hardy as Debora the waitress and have them bang repeatedly on the diner counter while Temple of Love by my favorite band Sisters of Mercy plays in the background and I still wouldn't like it. I would see it again for sure but I still wouldn't like it.

Because holy shit that story. Everything about it is either cliche (boy meets girl, boy has a golden heart because he is taking care of someone) or so stupid (the goddamn tapes subplot) or filled with weird references and the 'look how cool it all is!' attitude. The film never knows if it wants to be action, comedy or drama and the tonal shifts are so jarring. It's annoying, it's tiring and it's just a waste of time. None of the characters are interesting and we saw far better versions of these characters in much better films already. The film offers nothing new and is basically just a very long, very obnoxious music video. And it's main character is incredibly unlikable - Buddy had better reasons for his actions than Baby did.

On top of that the film does the worst thing the movie can do - it made me embarrassed for the people who made it. This horrible feeling when someone says a joke and you KNOW you are supposed to be laughing and the entire audience is supposed to be laughing but there is dead silence because the joke didn't land? Other than a scene with the kid in the bank that is the entire Baby Driver. As for the acting that Ansel kid is so boring to watch and has absolutely no screen presence, Hamm looks how I feel on Mondays, Foxx is useless and irritating as usual and Lily James stares, smiles and frowns. Only Eiza González brings spark to the screen and Kevin Spacey manages not to embarrass himself unlike others.

Oh speaking of Elsa. Hey, SJW hipsters- how come you are not crying over the age difference between her and Hamm, hmmm?

This asshole:

me:

Let's take a look at some of the trivia, shall we?

"During his interview on the Nerdist Podcast, Edgar Wright admitted to putting a bunch of Easter eggs in this film. He told Chris Hardwick one of the cars has a license plate that's one of the release dates of another one of his films."

Fascinating. Said no one ever.

"Baby and Debora are frequently dressed in black and white. In an interview, Ansel Elgort said it was to contrast with the other characters and to give their love story a more timeless feel."

Oooh. Didn't work.

"During the post office scene, the teller at the counter quotes Dolly Parton: "Everybody wants happiness, nobody wants pain, but you can't have a rainbow without a little rain." The final heist begins in the rain. When Baby is released from prison, a rainbow is visible in the background shot."

Man, fuck that film and fuck that rainbow too.

Entertainment value? Shoot me in the fucking face.

Boo kangaroo has starred in some truly horrendous films in his career. But unless it's Pan I do watch those horrendous films of his a lot because they are so much fun. And that is one of those films.

In 2008 Hugh Jackman starred in erotic thriller called Deception. Now this is the kind of movie he should be doing - really any kind of movie where he technically should have sex scenes is this kind of movie. And after Movie 43 he actually does owe us full frontal nudity and we are still waiting for that.

And we want to see balls where they should be, boo.

Not on your face.

(why boo? WHY?)

Balls talk aside, the problem is that Deception doesn't use its biggest asset well - Jackman is only shirtless for several seconds and the only sex scene he has is with a woman who doesn't want to bang him which is hands down the dumbest thing I ever seen happen in his movies. She is like I'm all jet-lagged. Mother of God I could have fallen on the surface of the Earth out of said jet and I'd come back to life if that man was nearby let alone touching me.

The script is awful, the twists are predictable, Michelle Williams threatens to put the audience in coma with her bland acting again (if her and Adams ever team up and I happen to see that movie, that's it for me) and not having Jackman naked in every single scene borders on crime. The idea a woman would shoot this hot piece of ass just because he is slightly psycho and killed some people....*shaking my head*

But anyways....

The idea the plot of the movie is built on is glorious. It's based on this notion - get this - that lawyers have a secret list and they can call a person there and that person shows up in a hotel and they bang. The film offers a vision of the world where you call a number and Hugh Jackman shows up to bang you.

I'm a lawyer. And this is the opposite of what happens in real life. Literally the opposite. Forget dragons or super smart lifelike AI. Real fantasy genre? Real science fiction? Deception is a goddamn masterpiece of those genres. And while horribly scripted, it's a very entertaining movie.

I think this may be the most fun Hugh has ever had on screen. He so clearly loves playing a villain for a change, you can really see his glee at saying his lines and being evil for once. Also while disappointing in content Deception still offers pretty steamy scene with him groping Williams and quite a glorious moment of him and McGregor playing tennis.

And most of all there are 3 seconds here that are just such a gift:



Entertainment value? God bless this movie.