Friday, September 29, 2017

(306) With the claw + links

By sati (harlequinade) Friday, September 29, 2017
  • I bet you read the last entry and thought "oh well, there is no way this can get worse".
  • Hold my nettle tea.
  • Turns out my cold is actually a flu from hell. And during that awesome time when I was in bed sweating through layers of blankets I managed to wreak my wrist. 
  • I was getting out of tub and it snapped and then my right hand went numb. Something fucked up.  
  • Not the bone. 
  • Not the tendons. 
  • The nerve.
  • Do you know how long it can take to heal a nerve? Up to 3 months. 
  • Do you know what the treatment is? Daily injection.
  • In the ass.
  • Yep. So that's what's been happening. I am writing these words with my functional left hand and with 1 finger on the right because the rest is paralyzed. I have had 5 injections in my butt this week, my hand is still messed up and I can't even enjoy my time off work because 1. I am in bed all the time because I still have flu 2. I only leave this bed to a) pee b) turn on the computer to check out the web for like an hour with my mangled hand c) get the ass injection in the clinic nearby 3. I am not sure when my hand gets back to normal and it's scary.
  • The nurse saw my ass this week more times than any man in the past year. This is so goddamn depressing. 
  • What else is going to happen to me this month? Will boo boo personally come here to punch me in the face instead of to bang me? Will he kill me and take a dump on my dead body? Will my head fall off? Will the gates off Hell open, suck me in and will I be forced to watch the marathon of Baby Driver, Antichrist and Girls for eternity? Cause with the way this month is going this seems plausible.
  • Actually the only implausible thing is the boo boo part. He is too sweet to do that. Especially to an ill, insane person with a, hopefully, temporary disability.
  • This column is practically like Tales of The Crypt reboot at this point. It's horrific, deranged and laced with humor. It features mangled body parts and terrifying stuff like crippling loneliness and deranged fangirlism.
  • Let's take a moment and appreciate my dedication/lunacy that even with the misshapen claw I still manage to leave comments, tweet and post this filth right here. 
  • Here's Hugh on Global Citizen Festival event this week --->
  • What a marvelous photo. Particularly around a certain area.
  • And here's the video. 
  • He acts, he sings, he dances, he tries to stop the poverty...I'm pretty sure if he would just look at my wrist it would heal itself.
  • And here he is supporting mother! on his twitter. I can't believe that this sweet innocent baby kangaroo sat through it. I should have been there to protect him. Cover his face with my body through most of it. For his sake. 
  • Forget my wrist. Something far worse has happened. 
  • The wig has returned:
  • Why? Just why? Have I not been through enough as it is?
  • It looked slightly less horrific when they were shooting scenes with Vera Farmiga who plays his wife.
  • And here's J-boo tweeting pics of his bare chest because of course he did. The thing is that this pic is like one year old. Why does he do this? Does he actually need to do anything other than existing to attract women? Though an argument could be made his Gucci clothes act like a fairly strong repellent.
  • Hey speaking of Jared, he was on Fallon on Wednesday and it went exactly as you think it went
  • Jared is also using the marketing for the film to end the condomgate now saying that he didn't send any condoms to the co-stars from Suicide Squad
  • Blade Runner 2049 social embargo lifted and the reviews are glowing. This is good news but then again so were the ones for Arrival and we all know how much I enjoyed that.
  • I think very soon Gosling is gonna piss himself laughing during those promo things
  • There's talk of cyber sex scene in the movie. I hope it features Leto but with my luck it's gonna be pretty boy Gosling and Knock Knock girl.
  • Meanwhile, Darren Aronofsky did the second AMA on reddit this week and in general cannot shut up. That second AMA thing is just desperate, what's worse he didn't respond to the most important question and I had to personally deliver the answer.
  • He also unleashed the new poster which only caused more controversy because, well, look at it:
  • Speaking of controversy there is some heading towards I, Tonya. Neon, the distributor, has ties to Alamo Drafthouse which currently appears to be the home of all the perverts - 1,2. Also Sebastian Stan is an idiot. And that is in addition to Stan liking all those meme pics of him with stache stating he looks like a pedo but is still hot. I always knew he is overrated but I never thought he is also stupid. The joke is dumb but for an actor to acknowledge the joke let alone like these memes is just asking for trouble in this day and age.
  • Mean tweets featuring Jennifer Lawrence being gross and TMI again because of course. 
  • Meanwhile, Kate Winslet appears to be actually possessed by JLaw and telling ridiculous stories on talk shows. 
  • She's promoting that piece of shit movie she did with Idris all of us are gonna watch anyways because it's Idris being heroic in the mountains. He is doing a much better job promoting it - here he is reading sexy fan fiction about himself.
  • Boyd Holbrook's girlfriend instagrams the best stuff. Also she is expecting his baby so yey for these genes spreading. I think they just got married.
  • *I'm not in the least bit jealous*
  • I think I need to watch The Free World. It looks like it's worth my time:
  • On the downside, Shane Black says that there won't be any marketing for The Predator for at least 4 months. In other words no footage of Boyd being all badass in military gear for 4 months. I'm sad.
  • Speaking of Jacob Tramblay, who let me type this again because I want to see how many times I have to type this to really realize it's true - who is also in The Predator, I saw The Book of Henry this week. It was actually nowhere near as terrible as people claimed. Yes, it's about 5 different movies jammed into one but the actors did well and really, this is nowhere near the worst movie of the year. Also some of it was really moving. I never wanna see Tremblay cry again. Protect him from those Predators, Boyd!
  • On Wednesday I saw The Beguiled right after watching the original for the first time and it was so mediocre, 5/10 tops. Everything that was interesting, edgy or 'controversial' about the original was taken out and the characters were mangled in the process. Hell, the soldier in the original was at least purposefully leading them on, here Farrell's character was so innocent the women really did come off as vengeful bitches and for no reason whatsoever because the writing is so atrocious. The sexual tension between him and the headmistress, teacher and the oldest student is so well presented and gradually built in the original, here everything comes out of nowhere. 
  • What a waste of good actors, they did their best but nothing comes close to the performances from the original because the characters there were so much more interesting. Previously I was lamenting Jackman wasn't cast as a soldier, not that Farrell was bad, but it would be such a great casting but not even him could have saved it because the script and the characters are so thin. 
  • Really don't watch the mess of a remake, watch the original instead. The new version is one of the worst and pointless remakes I've seen in my entire life. When my wrist is better I'm gonna write an entire post trashing this thing.
  • Yesterday I watched Wind River ad while it wasn't as good as Sicario or especially as Hell or High Water it's my number 3 of the year after Logan and Dunkirk. The film is very disturbing - the flashback sequence presents one of the scariest possible scenarios that could easily happen in real life and if a guy like that cannot protect a woman, no one can. The film is so well scored and Renner gives the performance of his career there. Also his heroic moment near the end is one of the biggest 'hell yeah!' moments of the year.
  • In really bad news from Hellishwood they are rebooting The Nice Guys as a female-led TV series.
  • The Irishman is really happening.
  • James Cameron is still being a dick. Drag him, Lynda
  • Congratulations to Kit Harington who has finally bent the knee and proposed to the lovely Rose Leslie
  • Liam Neeson is now saying he is not retiring from action films after all. I wonder how much money they paid him. Still, get that money, Liam. He is a nice guy and how can you not love those films.
  • Michelle Williams is in talks to play Tom Hardy's romantic interest in Venom. What the hell?! She played boo boo's romantic partner twice and now this? How lucky can one person be? I DON'T EVEN HAVE FUNCTIONAL LIMBS ANYMORE.
  • On the plus side the film arrives in October 2018. There's gonna be so many shirtless shots of Hardy before all the body horror stuff happens. I mean, hopefully.
  • And here's trailer for Peaky Blinders season 4.
  • Hilarious pictures of Jonah Hill on the set of that new show he is doing.
  • Armando Iannucci is gonna make another show for HBO and that is fantastic news.
  • Yep, people want to bang Pennywise. Just today I saw this on tumblr. Speaking of, It sequel is gonna be released on September 6th, 2019 and let's hope it won't feature Jessica Chastain and blue moths. 
  • Brittani reviews Jackie Brown and Allie writes about Reservoir Dogs
  • Dell ranks Batman films
  • Sean writes about Kingsman: The Golden Circle
  • Katy reviews Kong: Skull Island
  • m.brown writes about Wind River
  • Chris reviews Alex's Wait



    1. Of course when I, Tonya starts to finally look interesting to me, something like the Alamo Drafthouse shit show could side line it. All of that is beyond gross.

      I love that new poster for mother! It's nice to see a studio stand behind a movie that's flopping as hard as that is. It doesn't deserve that.

      I'm glad you liked Wind River! That's also one of my favorites of the year so far.

      I'm sorry to hear about your wrist, and I didn't realize they needed to give you shots for nerve damage. You must have seriously banged that thing up.

      Thanks for the link!

      1. No, it's just here in Poland there is no medication like that in the form of pills so I need the shots. But they don't hurt and I hear shots actually work better than pills. It's just a metaphorically pain in the ass to go there every day and pull my pants down

    2. Ugh, I hope your wrist heels nicely and you'll have a functioning hand in no time!

      I'm so mad about that Nice Guys remake news thing... I just. This is getting out of hand.

      I'm thrilled to see Wind River! I'm sad that I had to miss it in the cinema but work has been shit. I wish I could go back to my sick leave, at this point, I'd gladly take your wrist injury with the injections to get out of there. It would be also a very depressing to get injections from the nurse but less than my work atm.

      Hopefully you'll enjoy Blade Runner and it wouldn't be your Arrival 2017.

      PS: The Beguiled review will be on my most anticipated from you, because I'll be thrilled to read your thoughts. The more I think about it, the less I like it.

      1. I hate my work but this may be worse. Because of the flu I cannot drink and because of the hand I have to keep going to the doctors. It's so annoying. And at least at work I have something productive to do now it's just me bitching about movies online and perving harder than ever on twitter.

        That film was a fucking mess and it was so damn boring! I cannot believe she won best director for this

    3. Sorry for your illness. I hope you get better. Hope topless HJ will make you feel better. Better yet, just watch him naked in X-Men: Days of Future Past cause he does have a nice ass.

      I still prefer Sofia's version of The Beguiled due to its emphasis on the ensemble and sense of isolation as opposed to the Don Siegel version which is a bit creepier though still an amazing film.

      1. Yeah I am planning a rewatch of DOFP soon :P Been like a whole month since I last saw it.

        The isolation was just about the only thing well portrayed in the remake

    4. Did you just put Baby Driver and Antichrist in the same sentence? Did that just happen? Cause if that's the case, when HJ breaks in, I'm slipping in behind him for a bonus corpse dump.

      Yeesh. Might have gone too far there...maybe just a little. (and I mean you, of course...)

      I'm glad you liked Wind River, even if it wasn't as much as I did. Renner was f--king fantastic start-to-finish, and that flashback scene will forever f--king haunt me. Exactly what you said, man...if THAT guy can't protect one ever could. He f--king gave it his all though, holy shit.

      Bummer about your injury, that sounds terrible, but there is something, um, 'interesting' about a bathtub slip. Well, okay...maybe not. Uh...*looks around* I'll show myself out now.

      Thanks for the link/feel better/you're the best/I hate my job and therefore never feel like writing...and all that other stuff I always say.

      1. Oh fantastic you'll both take turns defecating on my corpse then. Yep, these Fridays are getting progressively more disturbing around the Corner for sure.

        I never go too far. I am a fucking lady.

        I was like 'oooh shirtless Jon Bernthal now we're talking!' and then I was like 'NOPE.'. That was horrific.

        Nope, that was scary. It was a good thing I was holding the tub with left hand too I could have break my jaw on the edge or something. My hand just instantly went numb there. 3 fingers working now so at least it's getting better.

    5. Absolutely horrific!

      Like your fall could have been. Good thing you didn't split your head open.

    6. Dayum sati. A fucked up nerve? Goddamn that is just cruel considering what you've gone through. Good on you for keeping up with your posting/lunacy and keeping us all amused and in the loop! Me especially on that latter one, I didn't know anything about mother! till you mentioned it and I love Aronofsky!

      Also, am I missing something re- that poster? What is bad about it? At least it isn't a total rip off of Rosemary's Baby!

      That wig... wow. Quick quiz: Does Hugh look dorkier in that wig, or in his absurd cargo shorts get up in Chappie?

      I had a feeling you would feel the same way as I did re- The Beguiled. Like you said on twitter, there is no tension, nothing sinister (to begin with) from Colin... it really does just make the women out to be bitches. Incredible how much source material she left out. Her surname was the only reason this got the distribution it did. 5/10 is generous. How many goddamn shots of light filtering through trees do we need!?

      PS - glad you enjoyed Wind River, had a feeling you might. I agree, not as good as the last two he wrote, but damn what a strong directorial debut!!

      1. Yeah today I found out I need to be on sick leave for 3 more weeks and also go see neurologist. This is just a nightmare.

        I think people have an issue with them using the image of a beaten woman to promote the film. As far as SJWs issues go this one may be valid they are clearly trying to shock people with the image here

        I think nothing beats his Chappie look. Good lord!

        I just can't with people saying this was just subtle and that everything was shown through looks and glances. There was absolutely no substance in this movie. She didn't replace what she took out with anything, there were just gigantic holes in the story left

    7. BTW, since you are all up to date with new movies, if you have the time (and patience given your wrist) I'd love to hear some recommendations from you as our local film fest is starting and has a ton of new shit I have never heard of. I've only decided on one so far.

      Of course, if you can't be bothered, feel free to let me know! I just trust your judgement on film, you rarely steer me wrong!

      Though Arrival was awesome =P

      1. - here's the ranking of everything I saw this year :)

      2. I was more thinking of stuff you may have heard about that isn't out yet. Like last time they played The Witch and other films that didn't get released for months afterwards. There are so many to pick from I'll probably just choose them at random!

        If you can be stuffed looking:

        BTW keeping up your blog given what you are going thru is pretty damned awesome. I often (like at the moment) go months without posting because my brain just doesn't want to. Kudos my friend! =]

      3. I have amazing capacity to perv and bitch so there's always plenty to write about here :)

        Call me by Your Name, How to talk to Girls at Parties and The Killing of Sacred Deer are those I'd definitely watch

      4. LOVED the Sacred Killing...!!!

        I can't believe I missed that a Yorgos film was playing! His sense of humour is great, though I need to see it again. It screens here proper in a months time.

      5. And yes, your ability to perve is honestly admirable!!!

      6. I want to see it but I never finished The Lobster, the dog scene was too much for me

      7. Ahhh that's right I remember that now. I get that, I love dogs too. Pretty sure you hated High Rise for the same reason hehe

      8. I hated High-Rise for so many reasons :)

    8. Thank you for the link! I agree, that flashback scene in Wind River is so damn difficult to watch, because it felt so real. Such a disturbing scene. I loved the end of the movie too though.

      1. You're welcome! It was so hard to watch, I think it was the most difficult scene of the year to watch in 2017, right after Logan's ending for me

    9. Thanks for the mention! It's good to see Alex keeps improving with each new film.
      That's tough deal with your hand, wishing you a speedy recovery. Hope you review Mother and/or Blade Runner 2049 when you're feeling better.

      1. Thank you! I hope I'll actually catch BR2046 in theater, it would be such a waste if I didn't get to see it on the big screen

    10. Goes on a RF read/comment marathon.. gets stuck on Boyd's wife's instagram. Man, have you seen Hilary Burton's instagram!? Rugged Jeffrey Dean Morgan, and Gus!! Adorable family!

      1. it's a real shame JDM is an idiot :P I mean really the way he talks to people, he is a celebrity he cannot make facebook posts saying 'hey assholes' and yet he does