Thursday, December 7, 2017

(316) *ovaries exploding indistinctly* + links

By sati (harlequinade) Thursday, December 7, 2017
  • I'm continuing my insane quest. On Friday (and on Wednesday) I rewatched The Wolf of Wall Street (livetweet - 1,2,3) which is one of my favorite films of all time. The script of that thing is amazing. The film is so funny, obviously the ludes scene had me on the floor laughing but the confrontation in the parking lot with Jon and Jonah is just insane and my pick for the second funniest scene in the film. Oh my God, the emperor of Fucksville came down from Fucksvlle to give me a pass!
  • Are you trying to kiss me, bro?
  • *sighs* I wish I were in Fucksville.
  • I'm sure I shared this story before because Jonah is hilarious but watch it, please. The way he describes Jon pacing behind them had me laughing so much.
  • As I already pointed out on Twitter it's so fitting that the last shot of Jon in the movie is him shirtless with naked girls all around him.
  • I saw Fury on Friday (livetweet). That was...not good. The cinematography was nice, the actors did a wonderful job, but that thing moved at horribly slow pace. Thankfully it was worth seeing as near the beginning Jon literally grabbed his dick (through his pants) and said "this is my tool of war".
  • I had to pause the film for about 10 minutes after this and I sat there and tried to collect myself.
  • Jon's character was the first to die. About 20 minutes before the end of the film. OK Hollywood, listen. When you have a war movie, the hottest cannot die first. Why the fuck would women stick around after he dies?
  • They shot him with some sort of ant-tank canon (I'm a girl, don't expect me to use proper military terms here) and they, like, blew a hole in his torso. I was like GET UP! YOU CAN WALK IT OFF!!!!! GET UP!!!! GODDAMMIT GET UP THERE ARE 20 MINUTES OF THAT SHIT LEFT!!!!
  • He didn't. 
  • I was sad.
  • Then I had to sit there and suffer through Pitt monologuing even though he was just shot 5 times.
  • After witnessing this horribly paced flick where Jon 1. played an asshole 2. died, it was truly a bliss to see Frank again.
  • Bless this show:
  • Then I saw Sweet Virginia (livetweet). Oh my God. Like OK let's get it out of the way - the film was very decent, it was this modest indie crime thriller with great acting. The plot was kinda thin but the there was lots of suspense. But sweet baby Jesus Jon's character was like the sweetest guy ever. Also he had a beard and curly hair. And it was an amazing performance - he played this incredibly gentle guy, he even lost a fight. 
  • The man CONVINCINGLY lost a fight. 
  • He is a brilliant actor. 
  • Would you look at this?!:
  • WHAT....
  • ...THE...
  • ...FUCK?!
  • Is there some sort of channel to my brain where deepest desires in terms of 'perfect guy' are stored?  And then somehow they manifest? And could they please start to manifest somewhere in my proximity?
  • Look at that beard. An entire population of woodland critters could live there. Magnificent. 
  • Look at that unbuttoned shirt.
  • Look at that beautiful hair.
  • I'm about to pass the fuck out.
  • Then on Saturday I started rewatching The Punisher (livetweet). That livetweet was even worse than the last one.
  • That wall tweet? That word that starts with "p"? Yep, that's "pounding". And yes I am aware this is the worst thing I ever tweeted but I am sure I can top that.
  • Just give me 2 days. Or 2 hours. I don't know, man, I tweet A LOT.
  • Things got really bad on Sunday:
  • I made an effort to watch Kingsman 2 (livetweet). The awfulness of that thing was like God himself telling me I made a mistake and should have continued watching films with Jon. It was so dull and stupid. And it was misogynistic as hell. I didn't have a problem with the controversial joke in the first movie but this one? That film was disgusting. Worst of all they killed the dog. Claudia Schiffer collect your man cause he is gross.
  • I started Grudge Match but haven't finished yet. His character in this is called BJ. 
  • BJ.
  • There are so many filthy things I could write right now but I'm not gonna.
  • They are worse than that wall tweet.
  • Then on Monday I went to see Murder on the Orient Express. That was OK but having seen the 74' version I was at first amused and then mortified how much they dumbed the whole thing down and make sure it appeals to the younger viewers, who are sadly getting dumber and dumber with each year. They even put CGI avalanche and a chase scene in there. Branagh was very good and Pfeiffer really did wonders in such a mediocre film. But can't replace Vanessa Redgrave with Rey from Star Wars.
  • Have you ever seen love like this?  That's right I rewatched Baby Driver. Let me clarify - I rewatched the first 12 minutes of Baby Driver.
  • Ugh. Gorgeous.
  • You know what I'm just gonna post some of those here, fuck it:
  • That film is so terrible that the first time I was watching it I couldn't even focus on this because I was so focused on how violently I hated this thing. 
  • So you know how in movies, and I suspect in real life, there are those sleazy middle aged guys driving trucks with pictures of naked women inside them? Me and my phone are the equivalent of that. 
  • Thank God I'm cute.
  • At 0:37 of this video my underwear flew off and I still didn't manage to locate it. I legitimately don't know where it is. 
  • Is it even in the house? 
  • Is it even in our galaxy? 
  • Who knows.
  • We did have full moon here for like 5 days this week which I thought was odd. Maybe it hit the moon and threw it out of balance?
  • As good of an explanation as any.
  • Anyways....
  • I'm out there extracting pieces of interviews with him and spreading that filth on twitter. 
  • He is a Kastle shipper too. Adorable!
  • The pain was real this week. When I finally continue's gonna be glorious.
  • Katy's livetweets of The Punisher are ART.
  • Yes, we have officially lost our fucking minds.
  • Look at that!:
  • Yes, I'm certainly no average girl, sir.
  • Please tell me this means I'm not getting sued over these posts. And tweets. Oh God, the tweets.
  • Brand new pictures of Savage Boo.
  • So motherbox wasn't actually in Atlantis. We would know more but Affleck interrupted. He is literally the worst.
  • The scariest thing isn't the content. The scariest thing is that this was written by the dude who wrote Aquaman.
  • Alex Proyas, the director of the original The Crowrambles on about how the film shouldn't be rebooted. If he is so worried about the film disrespecting Lee's memory maybe he should concern himself with the terrible sequels that were made not with the film that hasn't even started shooting yet.
  • David Ayer is trying to save face again and I'm still waiting for Jared Leto to go after him, SAW-style for making him into a laughing stock. Squad "launched a franchise and a spinoff"? OK....until it's actually in the theaters the only thing it launched are nightmares of portals of garbage and Shitchantress.
  • Oh, go fuck yourself, Joss
  • Justice League is on the shortlist for Best Special Effects Oscar. Yep. I couldn't believe it either.
  • Critics Choice nominations. They didn't nominate Hugh but they did nominate Patrick Stewart and Dafne Keen. This is ridiculous. 
  • Meanwhile, here is Boo Kangaroo on the cover of Variety. Here's the entire article. I didn't have a chance to read all of it but apparently he turned down Bond. Goddammit!
  • First pictures from X-Men: Dark Phoenix. Turner looks absolutely pathetic. 
  • While everyone is freaking out about Pet Abuser + Others vs Eggplant & Pet Abuser vs Dinosaurs trailers I just want 2: Aquaman and The Nun. Seriously where is The Nun trailer?!
  • This scares the living shit out of me.
  • Please protect John Wick's dog in this one.
  • Is Ryan Reynolds on suicide watch yet? This is bad news. They are gonna MCU everything now.
  • In any case Ryan has a backup now and he is gonna be Pikachu. I am way too exhausted from Bernthal and Momoa porn above to even make a witty comment here. 
  • This is in such bad taste. 
  • Here's Kate Winslet doing the one thing Kirk Lazarus told people not to do.
  • Absolutely saddening story and horrible look for Netflix. It takes district attorney's investigation and a reporter for major publication to get anything done when it comes to the case like this, and one that is in the public eye too.
  • This very nearly brought me to tears. OK fine, I cried for several minutes.
  • John Oliver is a goddamn hero. Here's the whole story. I can't with people saying this wasn't time or a place. Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry for your inconvenience when women are getting harassed, assaulted and raped everywhere and at any time.
  • And let's not forget that Jon is our knight in a shining armor too. That's right, all you have to do to be a knight in shining armor is be a decent, empathetic human being, and not a pig. Sounds easy? Yet it is so rare.
  • Not that the women are all that great. JK Rowling's repugnant statement on the fact Depp is in those HP spin-offs. She is also blocking people on twitter for things like this
  • The evil has not been defeated yet but at least it has been fired. I'm so sick and tired of people praising Rami Malek here like he is so damn hero. He signed up for this movie. What, he didn't know who the director is? Eddie the Eagle's director will finish the film.
  • I have so much stuff to watch. Stronger. mother! Logan Lucky. Ingrid Goes West. But we all know I'll just be rewatching The Punisher and Sweet Virginia, finishing Grudge Match and watching Snitch, Shot Caller and Mob City.
  • And finally I was almost just killed today when they suddenly released this:
  • OH MY GOD!!!!!!
  • I've looked at this for TWO HOURS now
  • This is exactly the right marketing. How do you sell a movie that features a character from the film that largely disappointed people and flopped at the box office? 1. You look at Jason Momoa 2. You tell him to take his shirt off 3. You take a picture 4. You call the ambulance for all the women who were present for this.
  • This porn comes from EW where James Wan and Jason also talked a bit about the movie. Also as you can see Jason doesn't have those weird lenses anymore. Which is fantastic because why mess with something so perfect?
  • MettelRay reviews Thor Ragnarok
  • Katy shares trailer reaction to Fifty Shades Freed
  • Nostra shares the many faces of Jon Bernthal. All of them beautiful.
  • Brittani reviews Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri 
  • Jordan reviews A Cure for Wellness
  • Sonia reviews Ingrid Goes West
  • m.brown reviews Coco



    1. I'm glad Bryan Singer got fired as I don't buy his bullshit. I hope Dexter Fletcher can do it right as I think he's more of a Queen fan than Singer.

      They killed a dog in the Kingsman sequel? I ain't gonna watch that.

      I will be watching Logan this weekend as I'm just trying to catch up on 2017 releases.

      I'm not mad at J.K. Rowling for defending Johnny Depp. I'm just mad that she could've chosen someone else who hasn't made a fool of himself.

      1. Yeah Kingsman 2 is just a waste of time

        Oh, awesome! I hope you'll like Logan!

    2. I want to watch WOWS again. God I love that movie.

      Congrats on your head not exploding while viewing Baby Driver again.

      John Oliver is everything right now. I'm so glad he did that.

      JL on the Oscar shortlist lmaoooooo

      Thanks for the link!

      1. WOWS is one of the funniest movies ever. The entire cast there just slays it

        Yeah I could take 12 minutes of that but I ain't never watching it in entirety again :)

    3. I need to rewatch The Wolf of Wall Street asap. I didn't like it but the ludes scene cracked me up and I absolutely need to see Jon in it because I barely remember him. But first I think I'm going to rewatch Sweet Virginia.

      I enjoyed Kingsman 2 but when they killed that poor dog, I swear, I cried.

      JK Rowling is disgusting.

      I'm glad Singer got fired.

      Thanks for the link!

      1. Oh do watch WOWS. Jon is hilarious there :)

        That was just horrific. Vaughn has some serious issues. I loved the first movie but this one was one of the worst films I've seen in a long time.

    4. More and more it's looking like Logan really is going to go mostly ignored this awards season. God dammit. -_-

      As to the MCU, I'm so over it, and if Disney does indeed purchase Fox, I may be done with the superhero genre. Both Black Panther and Infinity War look like the exact same movie we've been getting over and over 17 times in a row now, and at this point I honestly can't even comprehend what there is to get excited over anymore. At least Fox is currently taking risks, but Marvel hasn't taken a single risk since the first Guardians.

      Needless to say, I'm far more looking forward to Fox's and DC's outings next year with New Mutants, Deadpool 2, and Aquaman, than I am anything MCU...

      1. It's just so awful. It's still my favorite movie of the year.

        I won't even see Black Panther and I have very little interest in Infinity War. The only CBM I look forward to is Aquaman i think MCU really cause the fatigue here and it's always the same film.

    5. Ahhh I love these posts. Never stop!!!

      Wolf on Wall Street is up there with the funniest movies ever made. I remember you saying that Leo in The Revenant was basically an entire movie of the amazing quualude scene where he crawls to his car. So true!

      You're perving is reaching beyond insane levels. Which is good! Just don't expect to find your panties in this dimension =P

      Since I came by here its been... JDM (who I don't think you like anymore), Tom Hardy, Leto, Jason, and of course Hugh. And now this! You are like a rapid-fire machinegun of perving! Congrats are in order =]

      And yes yes yes YES, fuck Baby Driver!!!

      1. I said that? Well maybe I did, I say a lot of things, but he was better in that scene in WOWS than in the entire Revenant

        Well one has to find some joy somewhere.

      2. Hehehe, indeed. Random question, have you seen Hugh Jackman's interview on Top Gear from 2013 I think? It'll probably reveal nothing to you but I love it, he is so awesome, he just makes the interview hilarious. He tells a great story about when he was in a musical as a youngin', and another when he was in Japan. Worth a watch I reckon =]

        And yeah! You said that! You say a lot of really insightful thing about movies sati =]

      3. Oh I'll have to watch it, amazingly I haven't seen that one yet :)

        I don't know about that but thank you :)

    6. Oh and as always, thanks for the linky! =]

    7. Will you do a post comparing Murder on the Orient Express films, as you recently did with The Beguiled? If not, then I enjoyed reading your notes here.
      8 Harry Potter films was enough for me, can't bring myself to watch spin-offs without the original cast.

      1. No, I don't think so. I don't really have the energy to change the header here, let alone see a movie and do a comparison post.

    8. Thank you so much for all the link love!! I've got to get back on my Punisher live-tweeting, but I keep falling asleep earlier and earlier every night. lol

      OMG, Fury. That's been on my to-watch list forever, but it does look so slow and then they all end up dying, I'm like is it even worth it. Jon in Baby Driver is some of the sexiest moments in history. The looks he gives him, and that end turn I tweeted *drools*. I think 90% of my interest dropped when he never showed up again.

      I don't have any idea what the hell to think about anything else in Hollywood like Netflix and Masterson, Rowling...I just want to sit and pet my laptop watching Bernthal in Sweet Virginia. lol

      1. You're welcome! Jon isn't keeping you awake?:P

        It's slow as hell but Jon in that soldier outfit...he plays an asshole but he looks hot. Also Pitt is very good there. 99% and my will to live let me when I realized he is probably not coming back in BD

        Sweet Virginia is just such a gift, ain't it :P

    9. Great point about the director of the original The Crow needing to be more worried about those sequels. Man, those things were awful. Great post, as always.

      1. Yeah, he is whining about this one yet the sequels were utter trash

    10. jk rowling should have known better, very disappointed as well. I still remember that scene so well where colin farrell turned into johnny depp and my stomache just did a 180°. happy monday sati!

      1. Yep Farrell was so good in that movie! What a shame he is not returning :(

        hope you're having a great week!

    11. I always look forward to these posts of yours. You never fail to entertain, Sati. All kneel in the presence of a blogging queen.

    12. Looking forward to Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom?

      1. Chris Pratt is in it so no. I won't pay money for anything starring this person. He has absolutely no respect or love for animals. Shame on Disney for making him a star.

    13. I think this post, being so filled with Jon, finally pushed me to watch two of his movies last Sunday and I loved both! Sweet Virginia, as you said, had a bit of a weaker plot going on but it was still so amazing to see Jon as such a vulnerable character yet still so manly and rugged and unf. Wind River, well, broke my heart in million places but I at least had the memory of the good moments in my mind to keep me going.

      I now just need to start rewatching Daredevil's season 2 and then The Punisher and I think my year will be complete... plus a few other Jon movies I think, I just don't want to cry again! He seems to be sad and or dying everywhere, I just.. I need him to be in a movie where he hardly wears a shirt, has lots of sex with women who look like me so I could at least pretend, and then he just needs to shhh a lot and grunt and I think I need him to do porn. Yep, that's the only way I can properly function.

      1. If he did porn we would die. Although I think that interview with the dogs where he is sitting on that couch like that qualifies as porn.

        Yes get on Daredevil 2!!!! God he is so amazing there. I just loved his character in Sweet Virginia, he played such a perfect guy there. Kind, sweet, caring....and really good in bed :P