Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Against the Crowd Blogathon 2017

By Sati. Tuesday, August 15, 2017

The last time I participated in Dell's  and KG's Against the Crowd blogathon was 2015 and what do you know, another Edgar Wright movie was my choice back then. The next time he makes a movie I am not seeing it. And if any of you tells me to, I'll punch you in the face.

WARNING: if you like Baby Driver, Arrival, Amy Adams, Michelle Williams and quality film criticism and are offended by violent sexual imagery, inappropriate jokes and insane ramblings - don't proceed further.

Here are the rules for this super fun blogathon:

1. Pick one movie that "everyone" loves (the more iconic, the better). That movie must have a score of 75% or more on rottentomatoes.com. Tell us why you hate it.
2. Pick one movie that "everyone" hates (the more notorious, the better). That movie must have a score of 35% or less on rottentomatoes.com. Tell us why you love it.
3. Include the tomato meter scores of both movies.
4. Use one of the banners in this post, or feel free to create your own.

This was tremendously easy because it's August and yet I don't think I'm gonna see anything worse this year than this piece of shit:


Let me tell you a bit about my movie going ways. I usually go on Fridays, after work. So that's after 40h of sitting in my office and either working or pretending to be working, both exhausting. For Baby Driver I actually had to travel 20 minutes through the city to the cinema which had the earliest screening. The movie tickets are not cheap. I think for the price of 4 I could buy a new dress. Why is this important?

Because I now know I am definitely not a masochist or at least I would not pay for someone to painfully fuck me over. I mean I would like for Hugh Jackman to spank me for sure but having traveled for 20 minutes, paying money and sitting through 2h of Baby Driver made me realize that suffering does not bring me pleasure.

Because I suffered. So very badly. Through this piece of shit y'all are gonna spend at least some time in Hell for recommending to me. The only thing more astonishing than how awful and cringeworthy this trash is, is the high score on Rotten Tomatoes. Were those critics drugged during the screening? Did Jon Hamm pole-dance with Hammaconda out? Were they tortured by being forced to watch Ansel Elgort (is this his name? I am not even gonna check the spelling, fuck that. Also can Hollywood stop pushing those bland looking, uncharismatic young dudes on us? Please and thank you.) mouth the lyrics to the songs inaudibly until they physically couldn't look at him anymore? How did that happen?

This is the worst piece of overrated trash since Arrival. Except Arrival actually could be a good movie if they had a living person plying the lead instead of Adams who I am convinced died some years ago and they just revive her corpse before each take to get her to emote minimally. There is no way Baby Driver could be a good movie. They could have Jackman as the dude and Hardy as Debora the waitress and have them bang repeatedly on the diner counter while Temple of Love by my favorite band Sisters of Mercy plays in the background and I still wouldn't like it. I would see it again for sure but I still wouldn't like it.

Because holy shit that story. Everything about it is either cliche (boy meets girl, boy has a golden heart because he is taking care of someone) or so stupid (the goddamn tapes subplot) or filled with weird references and the 'look how cool it all is!' attitude. The film never knows if it wants to be action, comedy or drama and the tonal shifts are so jarring. It's annoying, it's tiring and it's just a waste of time. None of the characters are interesting and we saw far better versions of these characters in much better films already. The film offers nothing new and is basically just a very long, very obnoxious music video. And it's main character is incredibly unlikable - Buddy had better reasons for his actions than Baby did.

On top of that the film does the worst thing the movie can do - it made me embarrassed for the people who made it. This horrible feeling when someone says a joke and you KNOW you are supposed to be laughing and the entire audience is supposed to be laughing but there is dead silence because the joke didn't land? Other than a scene with the kid in the bank that is the entire Baby Driver. As for the acting that Ansel kid is so boring to watch and has absolutely no screen presence, Hamm looks how I feel on Mondays, Foxx is useless and irritating as usual and Lily James stares, smiles and frowns. Only Eiza González brings spark to the screen and Kevin Spacey manages not to embarrass himself unlike others.

Oh speaking of Elsa. Hey, SJW hipsters- how come you are not crying over the age difference between her and Hamm, hmmm?

This asshole:

me:


Let's take a look at some of the trivia, shall we?

"During his interview on the Nerdist Podcast, Edgar Wright admitted to putting a bunch of Easter eggs in this film. He told Chris Hardwick one of the cars has a license plate that's one of the release dates of another one of his films."

Fascinating. Said no one ever.

"Baby and Debora are frequently dressed in black and white. In an interview, Ansel Elgort said it was to contrast with the other characters and to give their love story a more timeless feel."

Oooh. Didn't work.

"During the post office scene, the teller at the counter quotes Dolly Parton: "Everybody wants happiness, nobody wants pain, but you can't have a rainbow without a little rain." The final heist begins in the rain. When Baby is released from prison, a rainbow is visible in the background shot."

Man, fuck that film and fuck that rainbow too.

Entertainment value? Shoot me in the fucking face.


Boo kangaroo has starred in some truly horrendous films in his career. But unless it's Pan I do watch those horrendous films of his a lot because they are so much fun. And that is one of those films.

In 2008 Hugh Jackman starred in erotic thriller called Deception. Now this is the kind of movie he should be doing - really any kind of movie where he technically should have sex scenes is this kind of movie. And after Movie 43 he actually does owe us full frontal nudity and we are still waiting for that.

And we want to see balls where they should be, boo.

Not on your face.

(why boo? WHY?)

Balls talk aside, the problem is that Deception doesn't use its biggest asset well - Jackman is only shirtless for several seconds and the only sex scene he has is with a woman who doesn't want to bang him which is hands down the dumbest thing I ever seen happen in his movies. She is like I'm all jet-lagged. Mother of God I could have fallen on the surface of the Earth out of said jet and I'd come back to life if that man was nearby let alone touching me.

The script is awful, the twists are predictable, Michelle Williams threatens to put the audience in coma with her bland acting again (if her and Adams ever team up and I happen to see that movie, that's it for me) and not having Jackman naked in every single scene borders on crime. The idea a woman would shoot this hot piece of ass just because he is slightly psycho and killed some people....*shaking my head*

But anyways....

The idea the plot of the movie is built on is glorious. It's based on this notion - get this - that lawyers have a secret list and they can call a person there and that person shows up in a hotel and they bang. The film offers a vision of the world where you call a number and Hugh Jackman shows up to bang you.

I'm a lawyer. And this is the opposite of what happens in real life. Literally the opposite. Forget dragons or super smart lifelike AI. Real fantasy genre? Real science fiction? Deception is a goddamn masterpiece of those genres. And while horribly scripted, it's a very entertaining movie.

I think this may be the most fun Hugh has ever had on screen. He so clearly loves playing a villain for a change, you can really see his glee at saying his lines and being evil for once. Also while disappointing in content Deception still offers pretty steamy scene with him groping Williams and quite a glorious moment of him and McGregor playing tennis.

And most of all there are 3 seconds here that are just such a gift:



Entertainment value? God bless this movie.

30 comments:

  1. I'm still trying to figure out how I had never heard of Deception until this year when I've followed Jackman and Williams' careers pretty closely. lol Did this go straight to DVD?

    I haven't seen Baby Driver yet and I don't want to. I'm glad I've yet to give into the hype.

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    1. Nah, it was released and flopped horribly :)

      Honestly the hype for this one is just baffling. It's a glorified music video that is so boring.

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  2. I've seen both, at least I'm pretty sure I've seen Deception too but it was ages ago so I can't remember it - sorrrryy!

    When I heard the blogathon was happening again I knew you were going to pick Baby Driver, I just knew it. Too bad I didn't hate it as much as you did, I only dislike Ansel (you did write his name correctly which is a shame) Elgort a lot. Like. A lot.

    I ended up defending another romcom... every year I think, I'll pick something else this time, and then I go all mushy and stuff.

    I hope you participate next year again, these posts are always so fun to read! :D

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    1. I watch Deception about once a month. Which is still not as often as I watch Eddie the Eagle....:)

      I usually have something to shit on. This year is particularly good because I just keep trashing BD and Alien Covenant over and over again. They are this bad.

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  3. Wow, I will disagree with you on this. I have seen Deception and I'm sorry but I didn't think it was very good and felt it was a total waste of time. I like Hugh Jackman and Michelle Williams but they were not given any good material. Plus, they give Charlotte Rampling a meaningless cameo. You don't do that Charlotte Rampling. That is wrong.

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    1. Eh, she had a cool character to play and had a sex scene with McGregor. I'm sure she didn't hate that job.

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    2. True. It is Charlotte Rampling. She still looks great for her age and I'm sure Ewan was more excited having a sex scene with Rampling. I would as well as long as she gets to do that Nazi dance from The Night Porter.

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  4. Haven't seen Baby Driver yet, but I plan to soon just to see what all the hype is about. You've got me a bit nervous, though, lol. Regardless, I do have to agree that Ansel Elgort is bland. Somehow I haven't heard of Deception. Might have to track that one down. Love the amount of Hugh perving you got in on this entry, too. Thanks for playing!!!

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    1. Thanks for hosting! What post would that be without Hugh perving? :D

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  5. Baby Driver was ok for me, not the best or my favorite Wright movie. It has its problems beyond the action sequences and soundtrack that it is being praised for. I thought Ansel Elgort was perfectly cast for the role because it seems like a personality he would pull off effortlessly. The way he's portrayed in media makes him seem like his character in Baby Driver.

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    1. For me that dude had no personality. He was just blank canvas other than one monumentally stupid thing he did which was making those tapes.

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  6. Love it, love it!!

    So right about Baby Driver on every level. A glorified music video is exactly what it is - the fact that it has some pretty good tunes is all I got from it. You talk about the lack of the plot, but Jesus what about the script? All I keep hearing is that awful line in the diner: "where are you shot sir" "right here" *shoots cop

    Are you fucking serious???!?!?!

    Edgar Wright is bribing critics, I am convinced.

    And boy oh boy, those Easter Eggs fell flat on their face eh!!

    Yet again I couldn't find a film to do a review on for the lower than 40 requirement =( I love this concept though, but no movie that people hate THAT much comes to mind. The lowest I could find was 50. I guess I'm a snob!!

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    1. I don't think he is bribing them but I do think they think they will look cool if they praise it. Critics no longer really say what they think they are trying to anticipate what their readers will think and they go with it. I will always stand by my opinion that the only reason the horrible reboot of Ghostbusters got decent reviews is because critics were afraid SJWs will accuse them of misogyny if they trashed the movie. Same here - they accurately predicted the hipster youth will like this one and here we are with the ridiculous RT score.

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    2. That all sounds pretty on the money to me, good call. Sad though.

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  7. I skipped the whole Baby Driver part because I haven't seen it yet and I'm pretty sure it's filled with spoilers. I have never heard of Deception before which totally makes sense given its rating and I don't think I'd enjoy it. I hardly like films with such a low rating on Rotten which is why I'm never able to join the blogathon.

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    1. It's not, it's one of the most predictable movies of the last few years anyways :)

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  8. I liked, but definitely didn't LOVE Baby Driver - it was fun but had a cockiness to it that didn't always work and dragged out that ending for WAAAAAAAAAY too long.

    I remember Deception because of that cast but I haven't seen it. I will have to one night after a few too many glasses of wine.

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  9. Fun read. I really had zero interest in seeing Baby Driver (what a stupid title) before this and now have even less so thanks.

    I've read the description on Deception a couple of times and I like all three of the stars (though i'm in complete agreement with you on Amy Adams!) but Netflix's rating system keeps telling me I'd give it one star so I've given it the skip. However I might just take my chances now.

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    1. So glad someone agrees on Adams. She is just so overrated. 5 Oscar nominations! Jesus Christ!

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  10. "Man, fuck that film and fuck that rainbow too." This is f--king hysterical.

    You will never, ever convince me that Baby Driver isn't fun as Hell, because I had an absolute blast with it start to (almost) finish. And that GIF of Ansel singing? That's f--king perfect. Here's a dude just rocking the f--k out like an asshole without a care in the world. As I said in my review, I CAN RELATE.

    But, I still love this place. So much so, in fact, that I'm totally gonna watch Deception. Soon. And if I ever fall out of a jet, please have HJ put his balls on my face. You know, for my kids.

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    1. If I had the power to make him put those anywhere....

      You need to do a double feature of Les Mis and this glorious trashfire.

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  11. "who I am convinced died some years ago and they just revive her corpse before each take" hahahaha, this is one of the best descriptions of an actress I've ever read. I LOVE IT. I just watched Baby Driver the other day and unlike you, I actually had several people tell me NOT to watch it but did I listen??? Why didn't I listen?????

    I haven't watched Deception but I'll give it a look just for that scene. "and now you're fucked"

    Thanks for taking part and adding your (hilarious) voice to the blogathon.

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    1. I am so glad at least few people disliked it. Seriously the praise for this movie is truly baffling, are all those people high? I'm not sure if I were high I'd enjoy that so it's truly a mystery as to why this is such a beloved movie

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  12. I really enjoyed reading your rant on Baby Driver, which I do apologize. I loved. Yes the story is bad and I wished Wright didn't cast Elgort in the lead. But that Soundtrack was amazing and it was for the best musical(so far) next to La La Land and Sing Street

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    1. Haven't seen Sing Street and I thought La La Land was only mediocre...I actually wasn't that impressed with music in BD, it was fine but when it comes to use of music in film Atomic Blonde is my favorite of the year so far

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  13. Haha. Baby Driver can consider itself torn apart, completely agree with you on Ansel Elgort, he was my least favourite thing about the film (even if I did enjoy it).

    Haven't seen Deception, and I doubt it enjoy for the same reasons as you did. Even though I can see why Jackman is easy on the eyes.

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    1. Oh he is so very easy on the eyes :)

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  14. Haven't seen any of these movies. I don't like Ansel Elgort, he just annoys me, just looking at him. Maybe at some point, so I'll go with the knowledge it's just over hyped (I don't know if it's me, but I have the feeling that there is more and more overrated movies these days).

    I must say, I'm terribly curious about Deception now ! That pitch alone is so absurd and amazing. Is there worse than Pan in Hugh filmography ? (my god, that movie was bad, I'm not still over how bad it was lol). If I have to defend one of his movies, I think I would go with Swordfish (26% on RT), it's "bad fun" I suppose bu my younger self really liked it and I have a fondness for it. And Hugh is cool in it (great argument here I'm sure).

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    1. Oh absolutely. Arrival, La La Land, Moonlight, this. Honestly I usually give out 1 or 2 10s a year and lately people crap themselves over every other movie.

      I think maybe Movie 43 but I refuse to watch it :P Hugh was actually good in Pan it's just that the entire film that surrounds him is absolutely fucking terrible. I almost defended Swordfish, it's so much fun. But that earring...there is no excuse for that.

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