Wednesday, February 13, 2019

10 films WITHOUT romantic subplot to enjoy on Valentine's Day

By s. Wednesday, February 13, 2019 , , , , , , , , , ,

Today is Galentine's Day, the day during which we celebrate our beloved female friends. But tomorrow is the dreaded Valentine's Day. There's plenty of romantic films out there, hell, romance is featured in one way or another in most movies so I figured, as a bitter spinster (Jason Momoa is already taken, so why bother?), I'll bring you the list of films you can safely enjoy without the risk of accidentally watching moronic proposals in the work place, romantic chases on the airport, weddings, babies and all of that cute crap.

I actually did a bit of research before making this posts to check what other people put on similar lists and  there were many that featured Fury Road. What the shit, man? The love between Max and Furiosa is fierce, it may never get sexual but if that ain't love then what is?

Also - nope to Sicario. Emily Blunt gets to make out with Jon Bernthal in that!

10. Gravity (2013)


While I think there's something between Bullock's and Clooney's characters, above all this is a beautiful story of a woman trying to survive - not just defeating the obstacles in space but within herself too.

9. The Nice Guys (2016)


In this hilarious comedy Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe team up to do some detective work. There's no romance at all and you girls get to look at Gosling and more importantly hear his amusing screams.

8. Dunkirk (2017)


Usually when there is a woman in a Christopher Nolan's movie she ends up being someone's dead wife so it is a blessing in disguise there is practically no women here. There is however heroic Tom Hardy to steal your heart.

7. Michael Clayton (2007)


In this terrific thriller George Clooney tries to clean up the mess in his law firm. There's Tilda Swinton, in her Oscar winning role, but she is immune to his charms. Somehow.

 6. Eddie the Eagle (2015)


This film is all about friendship. Yes, there is a waitress inexplicably interested in Taron Egerton when Hugh Jackman in a very tight jeans is right there, but this is as far as any romantic interactions go.

5. Alien (1979)

Ellen Ripley has a Xenomorph to kill so there is no time for any nonsense.

4. This is the End (2013)


Rihanna ends up in a fiery pit and Emma Watson robs those guys, so in this hilarious apocalyptic comedy there's only room for jokes and arguments about some explosive masturbation.

3. The Big Short (2015)


Adam McKay's previous and superior effort is all about sharp writing and details. Though I am sure a lot of people in the audience appreciated that moment featuring Margot Robbie in a bath tub.

2. Snatch (2000)


Years ago when Guy Ritchie didn't have tons of money inexplicably handed to him by big studios to to play with CGI and horrify us all, he used to make fantastic crime comedies. Snatch is the second funniest movie I have ever seen (In the Loop being number 1) and there is no romance in here. Just a very big diamond, an adorable dog, hilarious Jason Statham and Brad Pitt in one of his best roles.

1. Logan (2017)


Other than me vividly imagining banging Hugh Jackman in that limo and that girl flashing him in it, there is absolutely nothing romantic going on in Logan. It's actually kinda bizarre how women don't just start throwing themselves at him, but there you have it - it's science fiction movie, after all.

Another good way to spend Valentine's Day is to watch the double feature of Gone Girl and A Simple Favor.

And if for some reason you absolutely HAVE to watch a romantic comedy, go with hilarious, unique and very underrated Zack and Miri Make a Porno!

38 comments:

  1. My husband and I were *just* talking about Zack and Miri the other day and one particular scene that grossed me the f&ck out! but I loved it anyway. Great list! I was surprised by how much I liked A Simple Favor.

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    1. Gotta be the shitting scene, right? :D

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    2. YES. My husband shockingly could NOT remember that particular scene.

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    3. How does one not remember that? :D

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    4. It's probably the most memorable moment there :D

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  2. This is a great list! Bonus points for Logan on Valentine's Day because I'll still wind up crying :) And The Nice Guys is my go to film for when my anxiety is bad but yeah, it works here!

    There's at least one ex I'd have loved to use your double feature idea on. Like you think you boyfriend/girlfriend is screwing around... these are good films to watch maybe they'll take the hint.

    But I've never actually seen Alien so I may go with that one tomorrow! Happy Galentine's Day!

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    1. I remember watching Gone Girl in the cinema and after the movie was over all the men were scared shitless :D

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  3. Some of these films I have yet to watch, but for the others amazing film recommendations! A good pool of films to choose from, depending on the genre that you feel like watching.

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  4. Great post! I just re-watched This Is The End the other night and now I want to watch The Nice Guys again. Same with Snatch. I miss when Richie didn't put a bad taste in my mouth.

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    1. Yes! Ritchie used to make such great movies, all those big budgets went to his head

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  5. Oh man, thanks for this list! I think all the single people out there will love you for it. As for myself, I need to finish Luther, so I'll probably watch that tonight :) more on the killer side and less on the romance, so cool enough for me :P

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    1. I need to check out new season but for me the show should have ended with season 3, the ending with him and Alice was perfect!

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    2. Yup, I agree. Plus, it's getting darker and darker by the minute. The plus side is that Alice is always on the show, one way or another :)

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    3. Yeah I only wanna watch new season for Alice! :D

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  6. Always here for This is the End.
    "Sip? Sip time..."

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  7. I will never, ever get Ryan Gosling's scream out of my head. I love that movie so goddamn much.

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    1. His scream is so hilarious, he should do more comedies!

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  8. OKAY, your Gone Girl/A Simple Favor double feature is GENIUS. As a singleton, I appreciate this list a lot.

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  9. "it's a science fiction movie, after all"
    busting out those posts, we are blessed.

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  10. Almost every movie has a romantic subplot; I didn't think there were ten without. 😂 Great list there (I laughed at the Dunkirk blurb). Happy belated Galentine's!

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    1. It was pretty hard to compose this list, luckily all of these are in my top 100 favorite movies :)

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  11. Great list!

    "Years ago when Guy Ritchie didn't have tons of money inexplicably handed to him by big studios to to play with CGI and horrify us all, he used to make fantastic crime comedies." - I agree with this! I wish he went back to his "old days" and made simple movies because less is more.

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    1. YES! Maybe when Aladdin flops, which it probably will, he will have to go back to that

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  12. There are some pretty amazing films in there! Also, Gone Girl and A Simple Favor is a brilliant double feature :) I need to do that

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  13. THIS is the post for me! Well, I misread actually, I thought it was gonna be only 2018 films. Unfortunately I have seen all these except 'This is the End'. Your description sounds great - apocalyptic comedy = my sorta movie. Gonna grab it and watch tonight :) Thanks for another recommendation!!

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    1. I dont think there are even 10 movies from 2018 without a subplot like that. This is the End is hilarious

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  14. This is one ace post. Excellent idea I must say. BTW, I recently purchased the book of Sharp Objects. Will read it before watching the show.

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  15. Just rewatched Gravity the other day, and still so impressed by how that film came about. Hell yeah to The Nice Guys. *Ryan Gosling squeal* I've been watching a lot of horror movies this February, so this list is perfect. Great job!

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    1. Thank you! Gravity is such a great movie!

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  16. Holy f--king shit. A movie list...that appears on the internet...where I have seen every single one of the films? It's a f--king miracle. I feel so... included.

    I honestly love all of these films and am blown away by the fact that each of them has zero romance. I see what you did with that Vice dig, but I'm going to allow it.

    Stone and Kowalksi definitely had something going on, but unless you want to f-k a frozen space corpse, I'm assuming it was short lived. And am I imagining things or did that waitress give Eddie a little something-something in a closet? I don't really know. The only thing I really remember about that film is that I ALMOST SHOWED IT IN SCHOOL. Then, when I tell my wife I was fired, my life would become the ultimate 'story without romance'.

    Love this post!

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    1. It is indeed a miracle! Because these are all great films and you somehow seen them all? :D

      I don't think it was implied she banged him, but who knows :D

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