Thursday, November 17, 2011

The Tale of Michael Fassbender and his many on-screen deaths.

By Sati. Thursday, November 17, 2011 ,
Since my "Guide for Alan Rickman's movie partners" became the most popular post on the blog and I received such an overwhelming response - thank you so much for reading, commenting and especially - linking on various fansites and fanboards - I decided to continue writing humorous articles.

As I am a fan of many actors it usually pisses me off when their characters die - you know, you're watching "Kingdom of Heaven" because Michael Sheen is in it and then BANG he is dead in first 10 minutes. Since I'm not going to write about Sean Bean because he is too obvious of a choice - seriously, does his character ever survive the movie he is in? - I was going to write about Christian Bale, remembering his death scene in "Harsh Times" that amused me to no end. And then I started listing all his movies and suddenly I saw 4 letters I keep seeing since February - FASS. Seriously I'm beginning to think that without the ability to spank Keira Knightley's ass or influencing metal with your mind all Fassy's characters are doomed.
I will survive!

Yes, Michael Fassbender, whose entire filmography I saw this summer, manages to die in most of his movies. I'd like to start with a little poem:

There is an actor, so great and so fine, 
look how sparkly are his bright blue eyes
Michael Fassbender is his name, 
his characters glow with passion and hate
Look, suddenly he is everywhere!
One day he must have thought to himself:
I think I will make my fangirls cry in despair!
So he was stabbed, burnt and hanged on screen
But fear no more girls, "Shame" is near!

(This is a completely humorous article, not meant to be taken seriously, its goal is to point out a pattern in Fass's films, spoilers ahead)

10. THIS IS...AN ARROW!!!!! (300)
This one is the least for us to take - since we all know this is going to happen. Fassy stars as Stelios, who "fights in the shade". Then he fights in the shade of sharp arrows flying towards him...and then of course he lies in the pit of bodies. Believe me, it's not as bad comparing to what is higher on that list.
Why did we listen to this guy?!
9. I ONLY GOT LAID! (Devil's whore)
You know that rule that if you have sex you're gonna die? Well, that applies to horror movies. And Twilight, apparently, you know death via pregnancy unless you are saved by vampire boyfriend, sex is bad, etc....anyways! As soon as Fass becomes love interest for the main heroine he gets stabbed to death. By the big ass sword, may I add.
Should have gone to monastery.
8.EAT PRAY LOVE? CHEAT, LOSE A LIMB, DIE (Angel)
Usually the stuff that leads to the impeding death of Fass'characters' isn't that pleasant either. Here he is rather unlikeable snob, who first cheats on his wife, then loses his leg in the war so you watch him suffer and then he hangs himself. Leaving you with the crap of a movie for like 30 minutes, without his handsome self for you to marvel at.
I'm done with this movie.
7. KILL ME TWICE (Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Silk Stocking)
In this movie Fassbender plays a murderer and a fetishist. And then it turns out he plays twins - so you can see him die twice. I'm waiting for him to beat this one and play homicidal triplets.
I'm gorgeous, talented and there are two of me.
6. OH CRAP, THAT'S NOT HOW YOU ORDER DRINKS OVER HERE?! (Inglourious Basterds)
In one of the most famous scenes from Quentin's masterpiece, our beloved shows that he wants three drinks the English way. But see, he was pretending to be German at the time. If you hear the bullets coming, you are right.
BUSTED!
5.NAZI DEMONS WHO KILL HORSES MUST DIE (Town Creek)
This one is particularly charming - Michael plays a Nazi, who is obsessed with occultism and in the process...changes into some kind of demon that cannot die. He looks...surreal to say the least, think Pinhead mixed with Mystery Man from "Lost Highway" and you get the picture. He develops third eye and then in the result of mighty future Superman (Henry Cavill that is) and some bone powder bites the dust. There is a scene in this movie where Fass licks Henry Cavill's back - you would think it's hot but trust me - it really isn't.
Henry....yummy!
4. DEAD AND DEAD AGAIN (Jonah Hex)
In yet another masterpiece of shit Fass has ended up for whatever reason, his character, Burke, who is actually the only interesting character in the movie, gets killed by the protagonist when he is pushed on the turbine. But then he is brought back from the dead and killed again. You know in case you missed the bit with the turbine.
Are you shitting me? Again?!
3. REMEMBER, REMEMBER, ANOTHER DEATH OF FASSBENDER (Gunpowder, treason and plot)
As with "300" you can see what will happen from the beginning - Fass stars as Guy Fawkes, who in today's crazy world is not known most from history books but from "V for Vendetta". Prior to the hanging and the scene where we see Fass's head on the pike he is tortured in a gruesome way. If only Natalie Portman traveled back in time and warned him.
Why do I have a feeling it won't work? Hmmm...
2. THIS IS WHAT DISNEY CHANNEL LEADS TO (Eden Lake)
In the scene that is quite shocking after chasing his character and tying him (with the bard wire to add charm to the scene) to the tree group of adolescent kids repeatedly stab him and sets him on fire - you know just in case - as his horrified girlfriend watches. This happens early in the film but it's worth watching till the end. Nevertheless, if my boyfriend wanted to take me to such remote shithole even if he looked like Fassbender I would say "oh hell no".
Couldn't you find a rope?
1. THE SLOW DECAY (Hunger)
A clear winner where we get to see Bobby Sands - Michael's tragic character - die as a result of hunger strike. It's probably one of the longest death scenes in the history of cinema - every second a bit of Bobby dies. The movie is morbid and so quiet at one point you hope for a fly to flew across the corridor. Steve McQueen, the director, after making us so sad will make us all very, very happy with "Shame".
If you are looking for less heavy movie where Fassbender not only lives but the film itself is far from morbid - check out "A Bear Named Winnie'

4 comments:

  1. Omg I love the poem :D Great article!
    These kids in "Eden Lake" were more creepy than, let's say, the vampires from "30 Days of Night". I kept asking myself: what the fuck is happening? Seriously?! It can't be real!
    The sad part was that the kids were simply stupid, I mean stupid, stupid. The movie leaves you speechless and shocked.
    And yeah, I can't wait to see "Shame"! I have a feeling that this film is gonna make my heart beat FASSter :D:)

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  2. Yeah, the worst part about EL is that it's so reallistic - kids like these are out there. There is a school next to my house I swear those children aren't that much different and we were in the middle of nowhere who knows what would happened. Still it's all parents fault, kids living in such environment didn't really have much chance to grow up to be decent people :/

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  3. I'm laughing so hard my husband is giving me the death glare :) love Fassy a lot. I'm a big X-Men fan and I was suspicious of this person playing Magneto. After 10 minutes I was kinda overwhelmed. He's the best actor I've seen on screen after Alan Rickman (who, in my universe, is God Almightly)...he's frigging amazing! Do watch Shame, I had the fortune of seeing it at the Venice Film Festival with lovely Michael in attendance. The audience went NUTS, 10 mins standing ovation. Everyone was standing up and clapping like mad. After that I knew he was winning best actor. Oscar nomination, hmmmmm

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  4. Fassy and Rickman? I think I love you :)

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