Sunday, June 16, 2019

Dark Phoenix

By sati (harlequinade) Sunday, June 16, 2019 , , , , , , , ,
Back in the early 2000's we didn't really have many good CBMs. We had stuff like Daredevil and Fantastic Four, and we never dreamed that the genre will be truly successful one day. But there were also the X-Men movies, the first two parts of which, along with Sam Raimi's Spiderman, proved that CBMs can be genuinely thrilling action adventure flicks. The franchise then evolved, delivering few stinkers in the process and changing its cast. Then in 2017, triumphantly, came the best entry in the X-Men franchise and entire comic book movie genre -  the masterful Logan. They should have just quit while they were ahead. But as always is the case with 20th Century Fox, they didn't.

We already got a movie about Phoenix - widely hated The Last Stand, written by Simon Kinberg. Now Fox gave him not just the writing but also the directing responsibilities. How shocking that it didn't go well. What the hell were they thinking doing the same story again and giving it to the guy who messed it up the first time? And this time it's even worse because we don't really know Jean and those young mutants. I don't even remember what Apocalypse was about. Was that the one with Magneto hiding in picturesque woods in Poland? That was hilarious because our woods have more of a Blair Witch/The VVitch vibe to them. Jean is played by Sophie Turner, who doesn't have an ounce of the charisma and charm of Famke Janssen, who played Jean before her. Still, Turner delivers decent performance, which is a surprise considering just how awful she is everywhere else. Or maybe it's not that she is good, but everyone in the movie is even worse than her.

Jennifer Lawrence is an unprofessional disgrace again. She took money for this and yet she wanders around, clearly not wanting to be there. When you are playing a CBM character with lots of fans, you owe it to the fans to make an effort. That "X-Women" line was so goddamn cringy people in the cinema started laughing. How many flops till this woman's career is finally over? Her recent work consists of performances in disgusting male fantasies or phoning it in.  The cast playing young mutants doesn't even register and when they do it's not good - Tye Sheridan is given what is probably the most awkward and cringeworthy F-bomb in PG-13 movie. James McAvoy just looks tired and hams most of his performance up, while Jessica Chastain is cosplaying as Donatella Versace from space. Both McAvoy and her are given two really embarrassing moments - first one when Jean makes Charles walk up the stairs and then with Chastain's - her glee when she reveals she wants to destroy this world. It's like something out of Batman & Robin.

Fassbender is the only other person besides Turner who is trying here and that's ironic, considering he stopped caring about his career ages ago. Still, the scene where Magneto and Jean both try to control a helicopter with their powers will definitely make you laugh. It was really painful to watch such a talented actor involved in something like this. The best thing here is Hans Zimmer's score, but even that sounds like he just put it together from Interestellar outtakes. The production design looks very cheap, but the CGI isn't bad and some of the visuals are truly lovely. In CBMs genre it is usually non-MCU films which inspire awe with their visuals, but that's the only advantage they have over the juggernaut franchise.

People go "it's clunky but it's unique!" and "evil Disney, poor Fox". It's not something to be proud of when that uniqueness is how shitty and joyless this movie is comparing to most in CBM genre. And Fox allowed Ridley Scott to massacre the Alien franchise, didn't give Spy a sequel and is responsible for Bohemian Rhapsody. Hugh Jackman had to take a pay cut for them to allow James Mangold to make Logan the way they wanted. To hell with those incompetent bastards, I hope only Reynolds' Deadpool gets out of this acquisition unscathed.

32/100 (2019, USA, 113 min)
Plot: Jean Grey begins to develop incredible powers that corrupt and turn her into a Dark Phoenix. Now the X-Men will have to decide if the life of a team member is worth more than all the people living in the world.
Director: Simon Kinberg
Writers: Simon Kinberg
Stars: Sophie Turner, James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender, Jennifer Lawrence

20 comments:

  1. Your graphics look lovely. I don't know what they were expecting giving this to Kinberg again, and it seems like the new mutants never really resonated with viewers.

    I hope MCU takes their time introducing them. I think we all need to be away from this for a while in order to like it again.

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    1. Thank you! It's dumber decision making than letting Snyder do BvS after MOS and that is really saying something

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  2. Mostly what I remember about Apocalypse was them burying Oscar Isaac under all that make-up! Like you want a death God people will follow don't do anything to him ;)

    And Fassbender seems to have lost all ability to pick scripts the last couple years. Though I stayed awake in this one which is more than I can say for Assassin's Creed.

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    1. Oscar was so hilariously bored and uncomfortable in that movie 😂 i hate when they hide hot actors under make up, what a waste!

      Ufff I didnt even try watching Assassins Creed

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  3. Awesome review as always!! I've been hearing lots of bad things about this movie. I wouldn't be surprised if this ended up being the worst movie of the year.

    Let's hope that Marvel does a better job with the X-Men than FOX did.

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    1. Well it's far from it, tons of worse trash was already released :)

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  4. Ugh, even tho I am slightly warming to these sorta movies, this sounds utterly awful. And I still maintain Jennifer Lawrence only had one truly great role but was outshined by bigger names (and combovers) and that was American Hustle.

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    1. She was good in few movies and she is talented but I find her repulsive off screen and this puts me off her roles.

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    2. off-screen how? I must admit that off screen behaviour doesn't bother regarding seeing the movie, mainly cos I am never up with celebrity news hehe

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    3. I don't wanna get into it. But I don't support people who I find disgusting and who get ahead using other means than hard work and talent.

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  5. I used to adore Jennifer Lawrence but she really irritates me now!
    Also the only part of Apocalypse I can remember is Michael Fassbender in the woods!

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    1. Yeah and apparently that was Poland lol our woods are not this nice and sure as shit Fassbender is not in them :)

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  6. Great review...I'm actually surprised you decided to see this, because the trailer just looked so messy. They just need to let this franchise rest...

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    1. Thank you! Gurl, I wanted to see Parabellum AGAIN but my friend was like "oh I gotta see Fassbender" so we saw this turd instead

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  7. I've never gotten into the X-Men movies. I enjoyed First Class... and I need to see Logan. but the others were just kind of "meh" for me. And honestly, I think Sophie Turner is so dulllllll. I just had no desire to see this.

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    1. Yes, you NEED TO SEE LOGAN!!! :D Turner is dull so it's really saying something when she is one of the better things about this mess

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  8. Honestly, I don't remember a thing about Apocalypse or the other X Men movies, either. Just that it has McAvoy and Fassbender, and I love them. This sounds like a trainwreck, but I'll probably catch it on Netflix or something

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  9. I mean... do I want to see something after Logan in the X-Men universe? Nah, I think I'm good. It ended with Logan for me, I love that idea.

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    1. They should have just left it at that but nope, they just kept going lol

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